I had an uncomfortable realization a couple of days ago when I looked at my husband. I didn’t feel anything. I looked at him and it was like he was just this surface that I could see but there was nothing there. I didn’t feel any love or affection or anything. I began to realize that I had been feeling like this for more than a few days and not just with him.
My friends…I see them or think of them and there’s no affection either. I noticed with my husband that I was analyzing the scene like a computer. I would see him as some kind of sentient creature that requires words and gestures of affection. I would look at him and then calculate exactly what action I should take to maintain the semblance of affection I’m supposed to feel. If it was determined that physical contact was required I would do something like reach out my hand to touch his shoulder while calculating how long it should stay there and how much pressure I should use to convey feeling. When it was determined that enough time had elapsed I would then retract my hand and walk away. This kept happening but it wasn’t until Tuesday night that I actually saw it.
It completely freaked me out in a weird way though because I was worried that my husband would notice and that our relationship would suffer. I’m assuming that eventually I’ll come out of this and I’d rather our marriage be intact.
I was hoping that after realizing what was happening and talking about it in therapy that things would get better but they haven’t.
Therapy wasn’t that helpful. My therapist was very “Let’s just pay attention to it and accept that this is happening and not judge it.” There are times when I really hate that new age line, like everything is good and let’s just chill and sit with it.
That is not helpful! This feeling is disconcerting!
Eventually after talking she decided that I’m angry and because I’m not comfortable with anger, all my other emotions are shutting down. Is that possible? Sure. Is that 100% the only possibility? No.
I try to yield to her experience but in this I wonder if she just wanted to find a reason so bad that she picked up on my irritation and ran with it. It doesn’t really matter though because it doesn’t change what’s happening.
My husband is off for four days and it’s just a bad timing considering that I feel nothing. I just spent the afternoon with him and I can barely manage to say more than one word answers to what he says. My therapist told me to communicate my needs to him which I did, sort of. I told him that I’m disconnected from my feelings and that I’m wanting to be more alone than usual but it hasn’t stopped him from talking to me which is what I really want. Of course I can’t tell him that because I don’t wish to hurt his feelings, not because of my feelings, which are absent, but because I still realize that he’s a human being and telling him to leave me alone would be unkind.
There’s just nothing, and I don’t know how to function like this. It doesn’t feel like depression because I don’t feel sad (at least not all the time). My therapist said that this could be lonely and then apparently my face showed her something because she immediately said, “You don’t feel lonely at do you?” and I didn’t. That’s kind of weird because when I was busy crying in the closet the other week, I felt very alone. But that’s gone.
I have friends who I would normally call because I haven’t heard from them and my normal course would be to call and check on them. I have absolutely no desire to do that. I simply can’t wrestle up any feelings to motivate me. There’s nothing.
How do you function in the absence of emotions? It’s strange because on one level it doesn’t bother me at all but on another level it’s very disturbing.