Acceptance leads to anxiety?


I have to say that I feel really strange these days. Ever since I reached that acceptance and let go of the doubt (for now), I’ve been feeling like I’m standing on the edge of this precipice, just waiting for something to push me over.

It’s odd. For example, I was laying in bed and I was purposely lying there in the quiet of the morning. I felt this weird ripple come over my body and with it several, images that I couldn’t grasp in quick succession. I think they were either images of a house or rooms or something but it was gone too fast for me to really catch it. And it’s been like that for several days; weird moments like something’s about to happen and I kind have to force myself to relax because it’s like my body starts to get ready, but ready for what I don’t know.

It seems strange to me that my physical body would react to flashes of images that I don’t understand.Β Is thisΒ normal? Is this what happens after you stop doubting and start listening to yourself?

It makes me feel kind of anxious and I’m really having to forcefully relax and talk to myself a lot (not any parts per se, just me).

The mind/body connection is throwing me. I need to figure out how to relax more fully and just let whatever happens, happen.

 

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About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Child Abuse, Child Molestation, Incest, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Sexual Abuse and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

18 Responses to Acceptance leads to anxiety?

  1. meredith says:

    Normal. You might want to look for information on body memory.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      I know about body memories, at least I think I do, maybe I don’t but I guess I thought that the feelings were more specific like pain or something like that? So I guess my question would be what would be causing this kind of anticipatory tenseness followed by images? Maybe my knowledge of body memories needs some expansion.

  2. meredith says:

    I think body memory is happening in the background of our awareness much of the time; it does for me, anyway. And I also think you’re right about recognizing the anticipatory responses you have. Both exist.. and so it’s like a ‘feel and learn’ experience to just let them come to the surface at the same time and be okay with not knowing which is which for a long time.

    It took me forever to understand that I truly, honestly, without doubt have a genuine anxiety disorder–because of the flashbacks that go on in the background most of the time. When I finally understood that it’s a real, current issue that’s hard on my body, then I was able to do something about it. One thing feeds the other, too, so I have to interrupt it to sort it out. But that’s power, baby. Knowing what you’re body’s up to is power, and it’s amazing.

    I don’t think anyone can really tell you how you’re going to experience body memories, but pay attention to things and think analytically. Ask your body questions and trust the answer. You may feel like a freak while you’re hanging out with your innards and wonder if you’re actually accomplishing anything, but once you’re interested in knowing, the body teaches you a lot about how to pay attention to it, and deal with sensations.

    It’s a trust walk.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Thanks meredith and thank you again for the link you provided on Twitter. Your words and his were very helpful. πŸ™‚

    • brandic32 says:

      I’m new to this blog, and to this discussion, but I wanted to thank both you (cimmarianink) for posting this topic, and to thank you (meredith) for your insightful comment. It’s an interesting idea, of body memories and flashbacks “running in the background.” I have never thought of it that way, but it makes a lot of sense. I know for myself, I am constantly triggered and overwhelmed by feelings of panic and anxiety, and a lot of the time I have no idea what it was that was causing it. In fact, now that you bring up the idea of things “running in the background,” I almost feel as though there is so much that is running in the background of my consciousness (and therefore body) that I don’t have access to. I am often just on the receiving end of unexplained physical sensations and overwhelming emotions, and it’s *sooo* frustrating. Your suggestion was to listen to your body, which is always been something that’s been so hard for me, because for most of my life, for whatever reason, I learned to ignore and surpress all bodily feedback/sensation/need/etc.

      Anyhow, thank you both. πŸ™‚ I feel I have a ways to go, but I’m ever looking to learn, and always putting one foot in front of the next. Hopefully one day it will all feel more manageable.

      • CimmarianInk says:

        Hi brandic32,

        I know that body or feeling memories can be very confusing and sometimes scary. It’s good to research it or better yet find a therapist who has experience with them and who can help you understand it. πŸ™‚

      • brandic32 says:

        I finally have found a therapist with extensive experience with trauma and dissociation, and for that I’m very grateful.

        Thank you for your response. πŸ™‚

      • CimmarianInk says:

        And I’m glad you found someone to help you. πŸ™‚

  3. I experience something similar too–whenever there is a shift in my energy/mindset. I get visions that are usually pretty gruesome. Initially my body would react as if they were real and I would go into hyper-anxiety mode. I believe in my case (but who really knows when it comes to the mind) it is a result of PTSD and like a flashback to my days in psychosis (though I seem to go all imaginative with my flashbacks but I have always been very visual!)

    I do refrain from trying to make sense of them which requires constant practice of being okay with uncertainty. I let them “be” and they pass quickly.

    Today, I am at lot more at ease with them and recognize them as just an image in my mind. I believe this ease came to be through the help of meds initially, and then learning to relax into them (which I do–like you are doing–lying in bed and letting go into the chaos) and coming into my power to chose which thoughts I engage in through mindfulness practice.

    I used to worry about my sanity because of these images and my reactions. Somewhere along the way I came to a point of accepting my mind as it is. I realized it is possible to have these type of thoughts and images now that I am in recovery and continue to live my life and enjoy it. So they have never gone away really, they are just have less and less power over me.

    I have come to think that they will always be there–but now I have the ability to recognize they are not real and/or I don’t have to pay them any mind.

    I hope this helps. Much love to you. Trish

    • CimmarianInk says:

      I’m sorry you’ve had such a rough time with the images in your mind. I have hallucinated quite a bit in the past and I know that those were always scary.

      I agree with the need to just let things be sometimes instead of analyzing everything to death. I’ve found it most helpful recently to just watch and feel and try not to freak out and start studying every part of whatever image or feelings I have. Instead I acknowledge it and accept it. I just wish that the images weren’t so quick. I can never catch enough of them to make sense of what I’m seeing.

  4. Bourbon says:

    Paying the love forward: I have nominated you for the Reader Appreciation Award (see link to my post here: http://crazyinthecoconut.co.uk/2012/06/05/reader-appreciation-award/) This is because I think you contribute such brilliance to the wordpress community! B πŸ™‚

  5. Alice says:

    It might be that now you’re listening to yourself, your body is letting you know a bit more, take care x

  6. castorgirl says:

    Hi CI,

    Any sort of change, or shift, in your thinking can cause anxiety… But you’ve made a big step with your acceptance; so it makes sense that there is some anxiety. That aside, your acceptance also could be considered an invitation to share/access more memories. That can also cause anxiety… So, both the anxiety, and the changes you’ve noticed in memory awareness, make sense.

    It sounds like you’re already doing some good things to help you cope with the feelings, and images (no matter how fleeting they are). Relaxation and self-assurance talking are good techniques for both things.

    I know this can be disconcerting, and feel very odd to experience…

    Take care,
    CG

    • CimmarianInk says:

      That’s what worries me. I became very aware yesterday that I’m scared of what may come up. I’m also worried that if I’m scared, nothing will come up and I’ll just sit here. How annoying is it to worry about worrying? πŸ™‚

      • castorgirl says:

        Worrying about worrying is kinda human πŸ™‚ But, try not to overthink it… It’s ok, and natural, to be a little scared…

        Take care,
        CG

  7. meredith says:

    It is natural. It’s natural for us to feel our feelings, too. Knowing that I’m feeling scared, being able to identify fear… of any kind… helps me name it down the road without going crackers.

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