Embarrassing Conversations: Stuff I Don’t Want To Talk About

I decided to talk about stuff I don’t want to talk about.

I had a conversation with my therapist last week about a subject that was humiliating and absolutely wretched to bring up. After we discussed it a bit she something about how sexual abuse wasn’t really talked about in books etc. until the 1980’s and that there is still a lot of things that people don’t talk about, things that are embarrassing. She said, “Who’s going to write about it?” and I immediately said, “I would!” Huh, really? I will? I guess that means I have to?

I don’t know if I will write about several subjects at different times or if I will chicken out, but I figured I’d start with what I talked to her about. This is COMPLETELY humiliating but I wonder if maybe I’m not the only person who does this or something similar.

First I want to talk about stereotypes. In my reading I’ve seen two extremes written about when it comes to the reaction female victims of child sex abuse (I say female because I’m not as familiar with male reactions, but I’m betting their similar). The first extreme is that all victims are “frigid” and scream in horror if a man even looks at them. The other extreme is that the only other way to react is to become extremely promiscuous because the belief is that all their value is tied up with sex.

I’m not saying these reactions don’t happen, but what I’m wondering about is all the other things in-between those reactions. I don’t think all the possibilities are so easily put into neat boxes with labels. Do you?

For example, I’ve experienced feeling highly sexual at some times and completely abhorred by the idea at others. Things change with me sometimes so I don’t fit into a neat, little box and I don’t think everyone else does either.

What about a person who perhaps hates sex, but fantasizes about it all the time? What about people who can’t stand to be touched sexually but they masturbate? I think that there are aspects of sexual abuse that are severely uncomfortable to talk about so I’m going to put myself out there and say really humiliating things. I will be using actual words for body parts because…well I honestly don’t know what else to call them.

I wonder if I need a trigger warning, but I also don’t want to because I think it’s ok to talk about this. I’m not going to talk about sexual abuse, but I guess proceed at your own risk???

Since I’ve been in therapy talking about sexual abuse I’ve become aware of certain behaviors; things I’ve been doing for a long time but I wasn’t really aware of until recently. Humiliating Subject One: obsessing about male genitalia and subsequent bodily fluids.

I’ve realized that with pretty much every guy I meet ( their age has to be right), I obsess about their penises. Seriously. I obsess about their physical reaction to me and what that would look like from start to uh… finish…ok so I wussed out about using grown-up words, give me a break. This is really difficult. 😛

To clarify something, because I had to clarify it with my therapist too so she’d know what I was talking about, I’m not talking about the awareness women have of men and sex or the normal desire to be considered sexually attractive. This goes way beyond that and when I explained it to my therapist using big people words *eye roll* she understood what I meant.

I didn’t really see it until I was at someone’s house during a recent weekend and I was introduced to a lot of guys I’d never met before. I was shocked and horrified to see my mind promptly begin to imagine each of their sexual organs responding to me and what that would physically look like all the way to orgasm (Agh! I used a real word there).

It was then that I realized I do that all the time, whether it’s strangers at the store or guys I’ve been friends with for years. It doesn’t matter who it is as long as their male and (in my case) not too old.

As I wrote that I thought of another aspect that I didn’t tell my therapist, and that is the reaction to these imaginings being me having to forcefully stop myself from behaving provocatively. I’m not saying that I want to go jump in their laps but it’s more like realizing that perhaps I’m leaning forward suggestively to show my cleavage or my legs or my ass. I’ll be doing it and then abruptly realize what I’m doing and stop it. The thing is that my actions are not in relation to anything the guys are doing but what I imagine could be happening with their bodies.

Ok…so was that the most horrible thing you’ve ever heard or not so much?


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Child Molestation, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Sexual Abuse and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

28 Responses to Embarrassing Conversations: Stuff I Don’t Want To Talk About

  1. meredith says:

    Not so much. It makes sense to me. It seems like you’re trying to figure something out, mentally, and you caught yourself by surprise.

  2. bipolar type2 says:

    the thought process makes sense to me as well…

  3. Karen says:

    Brave post, but certainly not horrible. As Meredith says, you’re trying to work things out.

    I don’t have the same experiences, but I do have ‘things’ about random strangers’ sexuality. “Oh look, she’s pregnant. She must have had sex in about February. I wonder was it loving or casual sex? How did they look as they ‘came’?” I always see pregnancy as a sexual issue, rather than just pregnancy. I am told this isn’t how most people think.

    So, you’re not alone in having weird, random sexualised thoughts. It’s not nice, but where we come from isn’t either.

    I think talking about this could be a really positive step for you, CI. Exploration and analysis us (usually!) a good thing.

    Many (((hugs))) and love

    Karen ❤ xxx

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Are you sure it’s brave and not incredibly stupid?

      Is it weird that your comments about wondering how people looked when they came was a total relief to me? I mean it, so thank you for the honesty.

      You’re right, it’s not nice but…there it is. You should have seen me trying to say this stuff to my therapist! I’m sure I looked ridiculous, avoiding her gaze, tripping over words, fidgeting, being creeped out…poor woman.

  4. Chris Davis says:

    We don’t think it’s strange at all… actually we’re relived to know that others have experienced sexual thoughts that seem to come at inappropriate times (no pun intended). Our thoughts aren’t the same as yours (and we can TOTALLY relate to the difficulty conveying it to your therapist), but they are ‘atypical’ (we think) enough that many of the things we still haven’t told our therapist yet.
    Thank you for sharing this. It makes us feel less alone.

    PS. We have started a new FB community page for people like us (plural). If you’re interested. 🙂

  5. meredith says:

    Actually, CI, it’s not bad. We’ve been sexualized in a bad way, but sexual curiosity is healthy. Talkiing about it is healthy. I’ve had great women friends over the years, and you know… everyone’s curious, and everyone feels so ashamed… because of sin…

    The thing that struck me, CI, is that when you recognized what you were doing, you regrouped and pulled back. You questioned appropriate social boundaries. So… give yourself five thousand points for bringing this to the table, and opening dialogue for talk about sex.

    I thought I was the worst woman ever born the day I heard myself say, “If I ever come in contact with another pecker, ever… I will cut it off.” I was not lying to myself, either, so I had to reconsider my whole life. I didn’t want to do something that evil, but even going on casual dates set my brain on fire… and it wasn’t worth buying in to a stupid notion that I had to have a man to validate my life.

    I switched teams. I switched on purpose, but not as a “I’m going to go have an affair with a lesbian,” kind of thing. It started from a deep friendship that changed at a time in my life when I was very fragile and needed to be loved, held, touched, and cared for. I didn’t know I needed it, but when then it happened, and I realized I did need intimacy that was in my life at that moment. It was a boundary twist, no doubt about it… yet I found healing. I gained some proper weight, felt confused, watched Ellen DeGeneres come out and felt confused about what I was doing because it wasn’t what Ellen was doing… and the bottom line is, I switched teams. Not at that time… but later on. I don’t even know how to talk about my sexuality because I get sick of hearing the arguments about whether or not we choose our sexuality… and I get very quiet because I feel like a pervert for not being a full-fledged lesbian. But I love my wife, and I love my life. I care about my body and my mind, and what they have to say to me about being fluid with my healing. I’ve never come out and said this, though. It all seems twisted, somehow… because it must be… because who ‘chooses’ a same sex relationship other than a homosexual? Boom. What kind of sick person am I? Hard-core lesbians look at me and just shake their heads with a grimace on their face, feeling sorry for my wife. They sure think I’m twisted and cruel for setting up ‘one of their own’ for heartbreak when my fascination passes. It’s bullshit, but it makes me feel wrong in so many ways that I have to look at JJ and just look at her when I feel scared. She’s a keeper.

    I’ve wanted to talk about healthy sexuality for a long time, CI. Like I said, I’m glad you brought it up. I think it helps to ask ourselves and each other how we identify our boundaries and ideas of self in the here and now… instead of the past.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Thanks for the 5000 points meredith. Sexuality in the context of abuse is difficult to talk about and that’s part of the reason we probably should talk about it.

      I’m not sure how to word my response on the subject of homosexuality, only because it seems these days that if you say the wrong thing people get really angry and come after you. Having said that, I think it was very brave of you to open up about your chouces in life. I personally believe that sometimes, I repeat sometimes, childhood sexual abuse affects some people’s choices in what gender they have relationships with. Jeez, did I walk on eggshells enough there?

      I don’t to piss any advocate groups off. I think it’s logical though that past experience may cause some people to seek intimacy where they feel safe. I hope my words make sense.

      I think what you commented on is one of those areas people don’t want to talk about but should because it happens. I really respect and admire your honesty. *hug*

      • meredith says:

        I don’t advocate for anything other than healthy sexuality. Advocacy is about talking realities, not fairy tales, and yes… some people do choose same sex relationships despite what political advocates, ministers, busy-bodies, and “you weren’t there, or you would care that I can even function,” know-it-all’s speaking on behalf of whoever “they” are. It hurts almost as much to learn how to walk, sometimes, as it hurt to keep falling

        I wasn’t sexually abused. I was physically and psychologically abused for fun and profit. Sex wasn’t the point. Even when rape happened in my marriage, sex was never the point. The point was control. Control, abuse, and humiliation. That’s was the point.

        So. I didn’t mean to stunt the flow of dialogue about accepting the normalcy of having sexual thoughts. My point was to say that I had to challenge my own misconceptions and biases in ways that I could not have guessed. I have to challenge them, still… because of the whole ‘sin’ thing…

        i get so sick of the whole ‘sin’ thing… it screws us up soooooo bad…

      • meredith says:

        When I wrote that I wasn’t sexually abused… my intent was to say that I was being exploited, not ‘having sex.’ when I was violated, sexually. In every instance, the focus wasn’t sex… it was exploitation of my sexuality… but it’s not ABOUT sex… and because those of us who were sexually exploited don’t keep making that distinction; internally, we accept the external labels of being bitches, whores, cunts… and that’s when I tend to build webs with those ugly words and believe I’m the bloodsucking black widow.

        harsh. words can be so, so harsh and wickedly wielded. ‘whore’ is a word to throw around on Jerry Springer, where everybody gets that the shows are a circus of the absurd. But I sure get how quickly I can go there, too.

      • CimmarianInk says:

        I totally understood what you meant meredith. They’ve said that rape isn’t about sex, it’s about power right? I always find it difficult to use the phrase “having sex” when talking about abuse because it sounds like consent which it definitely is NOT!

        It’s difficult for me not to think of myself in negative terms when I realize how off my thoughts are compared the Normals. But having people say that they get it is helpful to tone down the judgment. 🙂

      • meredith says:

        normals. what a hoot. where are they?

      • CimmarianInk says:

        Yea, I find that term amusing so I thought I’d use it. 🙂

      • meredith says:

        Oh, so Normals are like Yetis… urban myths. Well, just in case, though, I know how to make a yeti necklace that actually looks awesome (learned this skill at church camp, thank you very much. looks incredibly mountain-ish with a heather-washed henley, blue jeans, and hikers… or blue Converse and triple layer tanks. It’s a very flexibly look that would make you very popular if this were the mid-1970’s… it would protect you from the Brady Bunch Repeats, for certain!

        OR…. I could send you a Justin Bieber/ Beiber mp3 download, too. Some things work for everything related to myths.

      • CimmarianInk says:

        lol! Well you know that I just got those blue Converse so… 😉

  6. Bourbon says:

    No that isn’t the most horrible thing I’ve ever heard. You brushed on what it is like in my head. I obsess about men’s genitalia too. Every time I see a man- I do not see their face alone. I become inundated with graphic images of what they look like downstairs (how I know that, god only knows). And I can’t stop myself from seeing those images. V distracting. Especially with a male therapist. Heh!

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Bourbon thank you SO much for this comment. I felt so much relief! Not that I want you to experience this of course, but I’m relieved that what I said made some kind of sense and wasn’t as hideous as I thought.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Oh, and let me add that yes, having a male therapist would be complicated.

      • Bourbon says:

        Well you gave me some relief in putting your experiences out there and not being ashamed of them. Perhaps I will manage to do the same one day! 🙂

      • CimmarianInk says:

        Oh Bourbon…I’m totally ashamed of them! Thankfully you guys help me to get some understanding and hopefully a healthier perspective on myself. Get rid of self-hatred is a lengthy process. 🙂

  7. castorgirl says:

    Hi CI,

    This is tough stuff… sexuality is considered a taboo subject in most of society – it’s something that can be a dirty little secret, even when it occurs between consenting adults. I think that’s sad, and possibly is part of the equation that enables abuse to occur, as no one wants to think about it, or look for it. (I know I’ve said some pretty big generalisations in amongst that paragraph…)

    I agree with the others… your reaction sounds like a typical sexualised response. That doesn’t make it right, or wrong, it just is. That is difficult, and challenging to realise, especially when your usual moral code means that those actions, and thoughts, don’t seem to be consistent with how you want to react. This is where I really struggle… I judge myself harshly for the sexualised thoughts and behaviour… when you commented to Meredith that you think you’re “kind of a whore”… I was like “no way can you call my friend CI that!”… but, I’m happy to label myself that (and worse).

    It’s interesting that you’ve noticed the lack of literature about sexuality amongst survivors… it’s one of the things that a good friend of mine has raised with their well respected psychiatrist. The psychiatrists response was a little surprising… they acknowledge the lack of literature, and said it was because researchers are uncomfortable going there. But, I really wish that people would go there. I admire that you’re willing to go there CI, but please be careful as you do… it’s easy to get caught up in dancing near the edge of your comfort zone, and slipping. I’m not saying don’t go there… the edge is where we challenge ourselves, and where healing can occur… but please, be careful and respectful of yourself…

    Take care,

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi CG,

      I hear you on the warning. I always question and re-question when I wish to write about things like this. It’s complicated but also extremely personal, so yes care is needed I agree.

      It seems ridiculous that professionals are uncomfortable about “going there”. I mean…really? Wow.

      I absolutely 100% understand your reaction to my statement about my being a whore. If any of you said that about yourselves for the same reasons I wrote about, I would argue with you until the end of time about why it’s so NOT true.

      Double standards rise again.

      I hope that talking about these things from time to time may ease the humiliation and shame or at least let people know that they’re not freaks. 🙂

  8. G. says:

    I agree with you on labels and not being able to fit somebody in a nice, neat little box. Of the 2 stereotypes, I probably used to fall more towards promiscuity. But while I slept with a lot of people I shouldn’t have, I also had experiences that felt completely wrong and that I would get myself out of. I also wouldn’t sleep with just anyone who tried to pick me up, but my self-esteem was seriously, seriously tied up in my sexual value. I’ve since married, and now I’ve done a 180, I don’t even want to be touched. At least my husband knows I won’t cheat 🙂

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi G,

      I’m so sorry you experienced that, but it sounds like you managed to help yourself get out of bad situations too which is great! See to me that’s an in-between because you were able to maintain some choice about who you were with, even if the choices weren’t the best all the time.

      I totally understand the 180 part about not being touched. I don’t know about you but sometimes I wish my more sexual alter would come out and help me out with my husband (I kid). Yeesh…

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