I apparently did something stupid yesterday. I won’t get into what led up to my actions because I’m sure it’s TMI but now I’m dealing with uncomfortable consequences like feeling dirty and generally grossed out and wrong.
I initiated intimacy with the specific intent of participating in certain activities. For some reason I got it into my head that I really wanted to do certain things and even though I had some reservations, I went ahead with it anyway. BAD IDEA.
I’m thoroughly confused about how I felt concerning this idea before I instigated it. It seems like, maybe, a more sexual part of me was all for it but my logic told me that I might regret doing it. I didn’t listen and proceeded despite my reservations.
Afterwards I felt really creeped out and dirty. I also felt a shame that has stayed with me since yesterday and is bothering me in some vague way that I can’t grasp.
My confusion comes, in part, from not knowing what was involved in my decision-making process. What I mean is that this time I can’t tell if actual alters were involved in the activity and aftermath or if it was my mind acting like a “normal” person, internally debating and deciding what to do.
How do you tell? It seems important that I do so because I can’t figure out why I feel so bad. It was my choice to do certain things and have certain things done, so why do I feel so awful? It wasn’t a situation where I was purposely reenacting past abuse. I’ve done that before and it was a different motivation this time. However, I’m also confused about why I wanted to do it. It can’t be the fantasies because I always use incest and rape as mental fuel during sex. So what gives?
I had to wash off, which is usual for me anyway, but it’s like I keep having flashes of what we did and then these waves of shame and dirtiness come over me. It’s awful.
I thought that writing it out would help me get some clarity but it didn’t.