Shame spiral won’t leave

I apparently did something stupid yesterday. I won’t get into what led up to my actions because I’m sure it’s TMI but now I’m dealing with uncomfortable consequences like feeling dirty and generally grossed out and wrong.

I initiated intimacy with the specific intent of participating in certain activities. For some reason I got it into my head that I really wanted to do certain things and even though I had some reservations, I went ahead with it anyway. BAD IDEA.

I’m thoroughly confused about how I felt concerning this idea before I instigated it. It seems like, maybe, a more sexual part of me was all for it but my logic told me that I might regret doing it. I didn’t listen and proceeded despite my reservations.

Afterwards I felt really creeped out and dirty. I also felt a shame that has stayed with me since yesterday and is bothering me in some vague way that I can’t grasp.

My confusion comes, in part, from not knowing what was involved in my decision-making process. What I mean is that this time I can’t tell if actual alters were involved in the activity and aftermath or if it was my mind acting like a “normal” person, internally debating and deciding what to do.

How do you tell? It seems important that I do so because I can’t figure out why I feel so bad. It was my choice to do certain things and have certain things done, so why do I feel so awful? It wasn’t a situation where I was purposely reenacting past abuse. I’ve done that before and it was a different motivation this time. However, I’m also confused about why I wanted to do it. It can’t be the fantasies because I always use incest and rape as mental fuel during sex. So what gives?

I had to wash off, which is usual for me anyway, but it’s like I keep having flashes of what we did and then these waves of shame and dirtiness come over me. It’s awful.

I thought that writing it out would help me get some clarity but it didn’t.


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in DID, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Intimacy, Sexual Abuse and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to Shame spiral won’t leave

  1. Angel O'Fire says:

    You have done nothing wrong, although your feeling this overwhelming sense of guilt, it is natural to have a sexual side of you that wants intimacy to a degree, its human nature, the part that your learning to deal with is the after effects, the feelings of guilt, disgust and the memories that being intimate has brought back to the surface for you, almost like a triggering point of ptsd.
    Honey I wish that I could tell you that the way your feeling will go away in time, or get better, however all I can say is its ok to give yourself permission to be intimate with somebody that you trust, that your mutually attracted to,
    big ((hugs))

    • CimmarianInk says:

      You’re sweet angel. Thanks. 🙂

      The annoying part is knowing that this reaction will make me hesitate the next time I want to start something.

      I should have listened to myself and changed the activities I wanted to engage in to something less triggery. My bad.

    • Karen says:

      This is a non-entity of a comment, CI, but I just wanted to let you know that I’d read this – and, in particular, that I’d like to echo everything Angel has said.

      Love and (((hugs)))

      K ❤ xox

  2. dankline2000 says:

    we as humans need a certain amount of intimacy it is a part of our nature, a part of us as a whole. i do have a point here and i am making a statement but i have to go around my elbow to get to my brain, not so easy as one might think, and i am triggering to boot…… ok so lass ye feel all dirty and in a sense used by your own self am i understanding ye correctly? So you did a thing that you knew in yer own mind was wrong and yet ye did it anyway, some part of ye wanted it to happen or else it wouldnt have, what ye need to look at is the part that wanted it to happen, perhaps have a talk over a nice pint of ale, or yer favorite beverage and talk about how yer feeling and why are ye shameful of the act and the deed of what ye did, i am thinking the shame comes from the rational part of ye disagreeing with the part of ye that took over and did the act anyway, oy and i do agree with the young lady Angel O’Fire she is a smart one and i am fer sure that Dan would have put what i am trying to say in a more sensitive manner he is good with words as where i am not, i am just a simple highwayman or a rogue if you like and i can put on the charm but Dan he is a wee bit better at it than i am, i just happened to slip out fer a bit to see what there was to see, and i dint believe i have made a damn bit o sense out of this ave i so i will leave a note fer Dan to come back and see if he can salvage any part o this reply so as not to hurt yer feelings any more than i ave. good luck lass and come and visit sometime when ye are feeling a bit more lively, damn now i need me rum or perhaps a pint or two, as i can see i ave fuckered this up badly, oh and please dont think badly of me ye just caught us at a different time, oy you have done it now Khayleth, wait till Dan finds out I am sure he will be more than a little pissed….

    • CimmarianInk says:

      No hurt feelings here. 🙂

      I think the pressure I felt to be intimate led to bad decisions and yes I need to have a chat with my internal world to get things straight.

      It was nice of both of you to comment.

      • dankline2000 says:

        We try, Khayleth means no harm he just gets a little over excited when he has something to say and cannot find the right words to put it into context, but his heart is in the right place. thank you for listening to him ramble on for a bit, that was very nice of you.
        With much gratitude and devotion,
        Dan Kline

  3. meredith says:

    Here’s the thing I think is most important of all the things you said: My confusion comes, in part, from not knowing what was involved in my decision-making process. What I mean is that this time I can’t tell if actual alters were involved in the activity and aftermath or if it was my mind acting like a “normal” person, internally debating and deciding what to do.

    You have the normal mind of a person with DID. Yes, alters were likely involved in your decision, because they generally involve themselves in every decision, period. And, when you got into the mix of your excellent idea and found out it wasn’t as excellent as you imagined (on some level), you got scared. You backed off. You decided not to play there. Normal decision, DID girl. You seem healthy to me… now go away. oh yeah… it’s not my blog.

    Seriously, it’s scary when sexual thoughts begin integrating with what we believe to be directed, constructed thought. It’s scary to realize there’s more to you than anyone ever told you about. You start wondering about every thought that hits the surface… what does it mean?… who am I?… am I having a weird, mental moment unlike those experienced by normal people? What does it mean? What does it mean?

    If you had no questions about your sexual identity whatsoever… then I’d tell you to worry.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi meredith,

      Good way to put it: having a normal DID mind. That makes sense.

      The problem is that I didn’t back away when I realized my idea wasn’t so excellent (also well put again 🙂 ) I went ahead with it and then felt the consequences. I think that I believed my parts would make themselves very felt if I was doing something wrong but maybe my idea of how they’d make themselves known was just that: my idea, not the way it actually worked, so that I didn’t recognize the communication that was happening.

      I have no idea how a normal DID brain works I guess. *sigh*

      You totally hit on some of the questions I had afterwards too. You must be psychic. 😉

      • meredith says:

        Well, okay… so you didn’t back off. That tells me you you’re going to have to designate a mature part of you to set limits. It’s really about learning how to set up a good relay system with your innards and to use experiences like this one to establish what worked, and what didn’t work.

        If anyone were to ask me what therapy is about, I’d have to say that it’s about learning how to grow myself up in functional ways… so that I can count on me to be there for me, even if I let me down. 😉

  4. castorgirl says:

    Hi CI,

    Life is all about learning… I know that’s not any comfort, but you learned through the experience. The main thing is to work through the incident, and try to understand why it triggered those feelings of disgust. If you can understand why, then you’re more likely to be able to put it into a context that will mean you can learn, without avoiding intimacy in the future. I know that sounds easy, but it isn’t. I sometimes feel as if I’m a walking disaster with all of the different things that trigger me, and my inability to back out of something as soon as I see the warning signs of being triggered. Part of my inability to back out, is because I find it impossible to say no, or let anyone down… so, I sort of get trapped. But, this is sort of changing as I heal. It’s all part of the process… (argh, I hate that term)

    I hope you find a way through this… as Meredith said, it does sound usual for someone with DID…

    Please take care,

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi CG,

      My therapist discussed this with me and I planned on writing about it but I went out of town before I had a chance.

      She told me that looking at the end result, how I felt afterwards, would tell me my motivation. Because I felt like there was some other force at work in my mind we theorized that my unknown motivation had been to feel shame and guilt. It was an interesting session that week and I wish I had written about it while I remembered it more clearly.

      Basically she said that we can look at the end of something, how we feel afterwards, to deduce our motive. How we feel is what we were trying to get to.

      I’m not sure I would apply that to every situation but in this case it made sense.

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