A Death In My Twisted Family

My mother’s brother has died. This is not the uncle who abused me (as far as I know he never did anything to me) but this is the brother that she said raped her when she was younger. I say that she “said” so only because she lies at other times so there has to be some doubt there on my part even though 98% of me believes her.

Our family is so twisted though because she acted like nothing happened with him. There was an incidence once when I said that he needed to quit smoking and I thought my mother was going to have a stroke from anger with me. She could hardly breathe she got so upset with me for saying that. She defended him and said that it was like taking drugs and he’d have withdrawal symptoms etc. like it was impossible for him to quit and how dare I say otherwise. This reaction made no sense to me as it was completely out of proportion to what I said. Oh, and there’s the fact that he f%$#ing raped her!

Why the hell would she react like that? In our family we pretend that things didn’t happen but I refuse to continue with the lies. It’s one of the reasons I cut her off. I refused to act like she didn’t physically, verbally, and emotionally abuse me and I refused to accept her abusive behavior that continued since I reached adulthood. She doesn’t get that because all she does is pretend that things didn’t happen. She didn’t abuse me…I’m just being sensitive…it’s part of our culture…whatever.

If she wants to lie to herself about her brother than so be it. She would be helped by therapy but she won’t acknowledge that she needs any kind of help. Now he’s dead. She had my stepfather call to tell us and I’m wondering how the hell she expected me to react? I don’t feel bad that he’s dead. He’s a f&%$ing rapist! He needed to die and I hope he suffered. I will not send condolences. I will not pretend that everything was ok. It wasn’t. Our family is sick.

About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Child Molestation, Family Relationships, Incest, Sexual Abuse and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to A Death In My Twisted Family

  1. good luck getting through to your mother. denial is impenetrable. why do people resist therapy when it will eventually help them release the pain and set them in a healing direction?.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      I don’t know why people resist therapy. I would be in trouble without it.

      I won’t be the one to get through to her because I cut off contact with her. It’s on her to get help.

      • that’s really the only way you can do it sometimes. therapy started for me when i was a teenager and she got me out of my parents home and seperated from all sorts of unimaginable things. therapy–i also can not live without. miss my therapis today. she’s covering for a therapist who just had surgery so i am losing 25& of my appts. why is it always when you need them the most?

      • CimmarianInk says:

        That’s rough! I’m sorry you’re not getting all the therapy you need and I hope the situation gets fixed soon.

  2. castorgirl says:

    Hi CI,

    I’m really sorry for the emotions this has stirred up for you. I know that in some respects it’s good to feel those emotions, and to use them as a way to learn more about yourself, and your past… but still, they’re tough.

    I could be totally wrong with this, so totally feel free to disregard what I’m about to say, and I expect an email telling me what an idiot I am… hmmm, was that enough of a build-up??? Anyway, I was thinking about how your mother defended the person who raped her… There are parts of my system who will defend my abusers as well… it was one of the ways I stayed safe. It doesn’t seem to make much sense, but that’s how part of me operates. I obviously don’t know if that’s what is happening with your mother, but it could be a possibility. It could also be another sign of her huge levels of denial, avoidance, and game-playing towards you. She is a seriously mixed-up, toxic woman, and you are much safer without her in your life.

    What she did to you was horrific. It was inexcusable. It was not part of any cultural practice. I was wrong.

    The family that keeps secrets may stay together, but the environment will eventually destroy that family. You were so brave for stepping away from that dysfunction.

    Please take extra care of yourself over the next few weeks…

    • CimmarianInk says:

      You are not an idiot! You make a point that I can accept as possible. I personally don’t feel anger at my abuser and I should, so I have to remember that people deal in different ways.

      My mom is toxic and it’s unaceptable that she allowed what happened to her to affect how she treated/treats me…you weren’t wrong though in bringing up a reason for my mother’s defense.

      I have absolutely no problem understanding why you would defend your abusers. I can understand that as a safety measure. I think my background and experience with my mother makes it hard for me to be sympathetic with her specifically.

  3. You are very brave to share your experiences. I’m not trying to sound condescending saying that either. I can relate to some of the diagnoses you have as well as experiences. What you have to deal with is 100% sh*tty. My mother went through a lot of what you have, sans the ED, and I’ve also gone through some of the things you talk about. When my mother died I was glad! she abused me and it actually helped me get better(her death).
    I hope you don’t have to wait for your uncle to die though to heal. There’s nothing wrong in staying away from the people who hurt us or refusing to be as sick as our abusers. Part of healing comes from dropping the excuses for those who abused us and realizing we didn’t deserve it. I think you’re moving in the right direction.
    Thanks for sharing your experiences. I’m glad I found your blog.

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