Today I heard from a woman who I haven’t spoken to in about 17 years. she called about the death of my (non-abusing) uncle. When I heard her voice in my inbox I felt anxiety and fear and grief. It’s amazing what the sound of a voice can do.
She never did anything bad to me, in fact quite the opposite. On the morning I woke up to find my grandmother dead on the couch, she was the first person I called. I was so stunned and thrown that I didn’t know what to do. She was my grandmother’s good friend and I called her because I couldn’t think straight. She said she was on her way, told me to call an ambulance and she arrived when the paramedics came. She was at the hospital with me first before my other friends showed up and she took the phone out of my limp hand when I was on the phone with my uncle in the waiting room and the doctor told me that they couldn’t save my grandmother.
I never got to really thank her for what she did because things were insane after that. I thanked her today, several times, and I’m glad that I had the opportunity to do it.
But with that gratitude came all the sadness and grief from that time. She talked about my grandmother today on the phone…about what an incredible woman she was and it hurt so much. Strangely, she referred to my grandmother as my “mother” and that was weird because that’s how I always felt about her.
She talked about a few of her memories of my grandmother and it was just awful. Her memories made her laugh and she sounded happy to speak of my grandmother. I can’t talk about her without seeing her dead body…her eyes looking at me as I waited for the ambulance. Just awful.
The other part to the call was that she mentioned what she had gone through to get my number. She asked which of my cousins still lived in town and I stupidly mentioned “him” and another relative. She said that she had considered tracking down my female cousin to get contact information but she lucked out and asked a mutual friend of ours who had my number.
For some reason, after I hung up, I got really scared that she’d find some reason to contact my “uncle” (cousin) and she’d give him my number.
Why would I think that? No reason. It made no sense that she would but the idea that they live in the same small town just wigged me out. Thankfully a friend on Twitter tried to remind me of how unlikely that scenario was and I’m trying to say that to myself here and there to stay calm.
My hometown has become a dark place in my mind so even good people are connected to bad, bad things.
I almost cried after getting off the phone. I almost cried while writing this. It sucks.