An unwilling walk down memory lane

Today I heard from a woman who I haven’t spoken to in about 17 years. she called about the death of my (non-abusing) uncle. When I heard her voice in my inbox I felt anxiety and fear and grief. It’s amazing what the sound of a voice can do.

She never did anything bad to me, in fact quite the opposite. On the morning I woke up to find my grandmother dead on the couch, she was the first person I called. I was so stunned and thrown that I didn’t know what to do. She was my grandmother’s good friend and I called her because I couldn’t think straight. She said she was on her way, told me to call an ambulance and she arrived when the paramedics came. She was at the hospital with me first before my other friends showed up and she took the phone out of my limp hand when I was on the phone with my uncle in the waiting room and the doctor told me that they couldn’t save my grandmother.

I never got to really thank her for what she did because things were insane after that. I thanked her today, several times, and I’m glad that I had the opportunity to do it.

But with that gratitude came all the sadness and grief from that time. She talked about my grandmother today on the phone…about what an incredible woman she was and it hurt so much. Strangely, she referred to my grandmother as my “mother” and that was weird because that’s how I always felt about her.

She talked about a few of her memories of my grandmother and it was just awful. Her memories made her laugh and she sounded happy to speak of my grandmother. I can’t talk about her without seeing her dead body…her eyes looking at me as I waited for the ambulance. Just awful.

The other part to the call was that she mentioned what she had gone through to get my number. She asked which of my cousins still lived in town and I stupidly mentioned “him” and another relative. She said that she had considered tracking down my female cousin to get contact information but she lucked out and asked a mutual friend of ours who had my number.

For some reason, after I hung up, I got really scared that she’d find some reason to contact my “uncle” (cousin) and she’d give him my number.

Why would I think that? No reason. It made no sense that she would but the idea that they live in the same small town just wigged me out. Thankfully a friend on Twitter tried to remind me of how unlikely that scenario was and I’m trying to say that to myself here and there to stay calm.

My hometown has become a dark place in my mind so even good people are connected to bad, bad things.

I almost cried after getting off the phone. I almost cried while writing this. It sucks.


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Child Molestation, Incest, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Sexual Abuse, Trauma and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to An unwilling walk down memory lane

  1. brandic32 says:

    I am so sorry. That sounds so painful. I can’t imagine what that experience of finding your grandmother like that must have been like. Losing my grandmother was also very painful when I was younger and I always thought that I was as close to my grandmother as I should have been to my mom. Her death was devastating for me. I’m sorry that this recent phone conversation brought up so much for you.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi brandic32,

      I’m really sorry that you lost your grandmother as well. I understand that close relationship and how special it is when you’re closer to them than your mother.

  2. Karen says:

    (((((safe hugs)))))

    I’m so sorry, lovely. This sounds so difficult. Nothing much I feel I can say, except that I’m sorry and thinking of you. xxxxx

  3. Ann says:

    It seems like your body/minds are trying to tell you something that needs attention. Just that it may be too much of an overwhelm coming together in this flood experience. We had a situation with our T this week where after years of going through the same distressed feelings under particular circumstances in his waiting room … well, just after years and years without explanation there was a flashback two days ago that made sense of the ordeal. Maybe today we can write about it. Think we have internal systems that work in their own time and space in relationship to others context in our life that can be more or less helpful. I hope you find the supports necessary to advance this one to a place more workable …

    Our best,

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Thanks Ann.

      It sounds like you got some clarity which is good and I hope you are able to write about it if it helps processing the information. 🙂

      I was surprised by how strong my reaction was because it’s been years and I thought I was over it. Guess I’m not. I’ll talk about it in therapy.

      • aynetal3 says:

        Thanks! We did find clarity and time and space to write about it. I’m afraid most of our writing is long and wily. It’s just how we are put together. As the days pass … is this incident with old friend and grandmother falling into a healthful place? Hoping for you T-appointments aren’t too far apart. So much to explore – safeties are like “real mirages.” Our best to you with this one!


  4. castorgirl says:

    Hi CI,

    I understand the fear… my phone number is unlisted, and only a few people have it because it helps me feel safer. But, I still think (hope) that the possibility of them talking, let alone exchanging your phone number, and using it; is really low. There would be no reason for it at this stage…

    Have your fears eased at all?

    I’m sorry that the last memories of your grandmother are so vivid… I know it makes sense, as it was so scary and overwhelming for you. I just hope that over time, you remember more and more of the good things that happened throughout your time with her… She sounds like she was an amazing woman…

    Take care,

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Thanks CG.

      She was amazing. I thought this was no longer an issue but it seems like it is. I’m not sure how to have positive feelings about her, memory-wise, because in my mind it’s all grief and loss.

      The fear over contact has gone and I hope it stays that way. You’re right that it was highly unlikely and I appreciate you reminding of that when I freaked. 🙂

  5. ain2012 says:

    I just found your blog today. I haven’t read your other posts yet but it seems to me that you are still going through painful memories. Be strong and he won’t have power over you if you won’t let him. I was a victim of molestation. Recently I started a petition asking to eliminate the statute of limitations on sexual abuse crimes .Please support me on this cause.

  6. Pingback: “You exist here” Another Star Trek Mental Connection | Living With Bipolar Disorder, DID and Childhood Abuse

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