There is another “room” I see


In a previous post I wrote about being stuck in a memory of my grandmother’s death and how it prevents me from having good memories of her. Today I wanted to write about another “room” that I see in my head. This room is also intrusive and disturbing but unlike the room of my grandmother’s death, I’m not sure if this room is real.

Part of the purpose of writing about this is for me to try to get some clarity on this room even though I doubt that I will.

It’s one of those cases when I don’t know if the room is 1) made from an amalgam of various rooms I’ve seen. 2)a metaphor that gives me a place to put the sexual abuse in context. Or 3) a real place that actually exists in my uncle’s house.

I have absolutely NO idea how to find out which one is true. The problem is that the room keeps repeating. It’s always when I’m not thinking abuse or my uncle. It’s like a flash…just the same room over and over, here and there at random times. It’s also so fast that I couldn’t reproduce it if I needed to. When I see it I feel…nervous? Anxious? My stomach kind of trembles or flips a little, like having butterflies in your stomach but really unpleasant. Then the image is gone and I can’t bring it back or hold onto the image to study it.

When I see it I always think of my uncle and sometimes of his wife too.

I keep going back to an old collage I made on Polyvore in the early days when I was still learning how to use it and my collages were kind rough around the edges.

 

 

 

 

 

I bring it up because early on I had this image of a narrow hallway and my uncle’s wife leaving me by walking down that hall. I don’t know if that’s real but I also don’t want to ignore imagery that came to me when my emotions were flowing strongly and I was seeing lots of things in my head and feeling more than I do now.

After writing this I still have no idea how to determine what’s real. It’s rather important because I was either at his house or I wasn’t. If I wasn’t then I don’t know how any further abuse would have occurred.

It’s a piece of a puzzle that I’m trying to put together.

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About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Art Therapy, Child Molestation, DID, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Multiple Personalities, Sexual Abuse and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to There is another “room” I see

  1. Freasha1964 says:

    This sounds so vexing. I know that I, too, want to know what was real in my past, and most often have no way to corroborate things. I ask myself why it is so important to know, but in the end, it just is; a human trait maybe due to brain wiring, or just how the soul works. I am sorry this is haunting you this badly. I hope you can get some satisfactory resolution on this very soon.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi Freasha,

      Always good to see you. 🙂

      I think wanting to understand the past is a normal desire, especially when the past is so dark or contains pain that we need to process. I hope you get some clarity too hun. ((hugs))

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  3. ddwjd says:

    Im grateful to have found your blog…The collage you made caused me to stop breathing for a moment…reminded me of the time I yelled out for my mother to help me, to stop him and she came down the hall shut the door and walked away….wasnt exactly what I was hoping for…but neither was she…. At any rate thank you for being transparent and sharing your hurts with me. Just another example of how very beautiful scars can be…for they are proof that wounds do heal

    • CimmarianInk says:

      ddwjd,

      Your experience is heartbreaking and horrifying. Unfortunately I think that the scenario of an adult leaving a child alone with an abuser, knowing full well what’s happening, happens more than the general public would be comfortable knowing. But we in this community know that it happens.

      I’m so very sorry that happened to you.

      I found making collages has been helpful but I haven’t been making them very often because I can’t find pictures that show my feelings. But going back to old collages has been helpful as far as connecting to what I felt in the past or images I’ve been trying to work through.

      I’m glad you found the blog helpful in some way. 🙂

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