In a previous post I wrote about being stuck in a memory of my grandmother’s death and how it prevents me from having good memories of her. Today I wanted to write about another “room” that I see in my head. This room is also intrusive and disturbing but unlike the room of my grandmother’s death, I’m not sure if this room is real.
Part of the purpose of writing about this is for me to try to get some clarity on this room even though I doubt that I will.
It’s one of those cases when I don’t know if the room is 1) made from an amalgam of various rooms I’ve seen. 2)a metaphor that gives me a place to put the sexual abuse in context. Or 3) a real place that actually exists in my uncle’s house.
I have absolutely NO idea how to find out which one is true. The problem is that the room keeps repeating. It’s always when I’m not thinking abuse or my uncle. It’s like a flash…just the same room over and over, here and there at random times. It’s also so fast that I couldn’t reproduce it if I needed to. When I see it I feel…nervous? Anxious? My stomach kind of trembles or flips a little, like having butterflies in your stomach but really unpleasant. Then the image is gone and I can’t bring it back or hold onto the image to study it.
When I see it I always think of my uncle and sometimes of his wife too.
I keep going back to an old collage I made on Polyvore in the early days when I was still learning how to use it and my collages were kind rough around the edges.
I bring it up because early on I had this image of a narrow hallway and my uncle’s wife leaving me by walking down that hall. I don’t know if that’s real but I also don’t want to ignore imagery that came to me when my emotions were flowing strongly and I was seeing lots of things in my head and feeling more than I do now.
After writing this I still have no idea how to determine what’s real. It’s rather important because I was either at his house or I wasn’t. If I wasn’t then I don’t know how any further abuse would have occurred.
It’s a piece of a puzzle that I’m trying to put together.