Trapped


*eating issues*

I find myself in the position of being unable to help myself. It’s strange because usually I would struggle against the idea of being helpless and yet I can’t find the spirit to struggle against this.

The situation is that, despite my continued low caloric eating and mega exercising, I have hit a weight plateau 4 lbs away from my first weight goal which leaves me still in the overweight category. I have read that to fix this plateau issue, I should actually increase my calories because my metabolism has now slowed down to adapt to how little I’m giving it to work with. It was exactly what my therapist said would happen, I  had hoped however that this would not happen until after I had lost more weight.

After reading that I needed to increase my calories to throw my metabolism off I decided that I would increase my calories today by 200 over the maximum I allow myself. And then…I couldn’t do it. I found myself stuck…trapped by my obsession with the numbers, my obsession over needing to be punished. This thing is rooted deep it seems and I can’t shake it.

Strangely I find myself feeling emotional as I write this…kind of teary and tight-chested. Weird.

I had an extra therapy session this week and my therapist wanted to know what a healthy weight for a woman my height is. I checked the internet on my phone and the ranges were goofy with some numbers being obviously wrong as the person would cease to exist. What was interesting to me was my reaction to her words. We again said that all of this is a distraction but she wanted a number so that she would know if/when I had crossed a dangerous line in losing weight. My reaction to that mentally, was to think “Ooh that sounds like fun! Dangerous! Yay!”

I figure there’s a lot of blubber that my body can burn through first before and danger zones are even remotely approached.

My other reactions also seem odd but again…I don’t struggle against them. I imagine myself wasting away and I look forward to it. I imagine my heart giving out and I’m almost okay with it. Why is that?

I think that at the moment I’m more bemused at my inability to make myself eat more. It’s like I have no power over my own body anymore. I simply can’t do it, even to lose the weight I want so desperately to lose. Control has now become a lack of control.

And yet…I don’t look “sick”. I’m still overweight by 4 lbs…no one can see any difference in me. But I’m almost obsessed with this image I have of myself turning into bones and it’s not to be seen by anyone. I don’t want anyone to see me or ask questions about me or anything like that. It’s almost for…myself? Maybe I want to look the way I feel inside? That is of course, when I feel anything at all, which is less and less these days. I told my therapist that I don’t really feel emotions unless I have/ or are going to therapy that day. Then it seems that for a little while afterwards, my emotions get turned on. At least the sad, depressing ones.

So…I’m trapped by my own making. All I can hope is that if I keep up what I’m doing, my body will eventually start losing the weight again. I don’t know what else to do. I can’t make myself eat more…I just can’t.

 

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About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Eating Disorder, Incest, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, self-harm, Self-injury, Sexual Abuse, Trauma and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Trapped

  1. Chris Davis says:

    Maybe instead of eating more calories you could eat more often. I have been told that eating (more like grazing) throughout the day actually boosts the metabolism because the body stops wondering where the next meal is coming from, even somersetting like a piece of cheese (protein) and apple (slow acting carbs) will give it that something it needs to know it’s still getting fed. (BTW, my therapist says anything below 900 cal and the body will assume starvation mode, also when losing lots of weight it causes the lovely side effect of ‘bloating’ from internal inflammation, which ‘creates’ weight). After being sick and not feeling well inside or out we lost 140lbs… course we started quite a ways from that, but personally, would be happy with another 60 gone. Also, we DO understand that sort of apathetic desire to let yourself ‘fade away’… we feel that way too sometimes, maybe too often.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi Chris,

      Congratulations on losing so much! Your suggestion of eating more frequently throughout the day is a good one. If I could make myself do it, that would be reasonable. I appreciate the advice. 🙂

  2. I felt like you two years ago when I was in the throws of my eating disorder. It became addictive to see how much I could loose, how bony I could get, how visible were parts of my body that were supposed to have flesh on them? how long before my heart quit working on me? I was really bad so I know it’s hard. I remember being scared because I’d be so weak I’d be unable to breathe properly and my heart rate was very low. I could feel my body shutting down on me. You DON’T want that! It’s AWFUL. It feels like hell and there’s no high anymore from starving. Just a constant empty feeling and unbearable loneliness from isolating myself.

    Please know that eating disorders are a distraction for those of us who were abused as children. They protect us from painful feelings by numbing us to all feelings-especially positive ones. Maybe it’s not the same thing because I was very underweight but I still think you need to be healthy. Healthy isn’t starving yourself or trying to be a certain number on the scale-it’s being happy with who you are and treating yourself with kindness. Of course you should try to be a healthy weight but going really low just because you can isn’t a good idea for your health.

    I’m really sorry to be dispensing my opinion-it’s probably not what you want to hear. I hope you are not offended by me sharing my story or my concern for you even though I don’t know you. I have compassion for you.

    Namaste (I bow to you).

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hello reflections,

      I’m not at all offended by anything you said. In fact it made me feel better to read that my thoughts right now are “normal” for the situation. I really appreciate you sharing what you went through. I’m aware of how ridiculous and unbalanced my thoughts are…I just don’t know how to get out of this cycle.

      I’m going to try to have some extra therapy sessions so I can have someone to talk to more regularly.

      Thank you again. 🙂

      • You’re very welcome. I’m glad you did not take offence to me offering my opinion and own story. I’m also glad you are getting extra therapy during this difficult time. I couldn’t have made it through my eating disorder recovery without my psychologist’s support.

  3. castorgirl says:

    Hi CI,

    Your thoughts mirror my own, in many ways… the thoughts around wasting away, especially. It’s scary to see that thinking in someone else, someone I care about… you want to die? That’s so scary. A world without your smile, humour, intelligence, awesomeness… that’s a sadder place, if you ask me. But, I know those big decisions about your life aren’t up to me; you’re responsible for those decisions…

    I’m really glad to see that you’re going to access your therapist more often as you work through this… Anything to keep those connections, reality check things, and keep yourself “here” is good 🙂

    Please take care,
    CG

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi CG,

      Thank you for the kind words, really. I thought about your question: do I want to die? I don’t know how to answer that. I’m not suicidal in my “regular” way. I’m more almost…fascinated with wasting away.

      I feel awful that you feel that way too. 😦 I care about you too, so I would never want you to hurt yourself.

      I keep thinking that my wasting away would reflect something inside me I guess. Who knows why.

  4. Ann says:

    We’d like to add here, keep looking for things that show curiosity for life and living as well as for perishing. These words don’t come from any kind of real intelligence on the subject … just know that for us our turnaround came from realizing that we needed to do positive things for ourselves – even if it were only to remember brushing our hair once during the day. We carry the label of being chronically suicidal, but know that when we’re doing better there is some healthy space between us and it. If the thoughts become to overbearingly negative it is more a clue that you are close to something that needs to be handled. Right? AND, keep writing!

    Always our best,
    Anns

    http://annsmultipleworldofpersonality.blogspot.com
    http://newsdidmpd.blogspot.com

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