Just wanted to post that I am officially no longer overweight according to all the medical sites I accessed about weight and BMI. At this point I’ve lost the 100 lbs I gained because of all the psych meds.
The amazing and yet fully expected result is an utter lack of happiness because I can no longer feel happiness when the scale goes down. Because it’s never enough. True, I just now reached the healthy range but now my mind has gone into the future and determined that I need to lose another 10 lbs to be “happy”. Of course that won’t make me happy.
My therapist knew this. I told her this week that when I first hit my goal weight I felt nothing. No happiness. Then all I felt was fear of gaining and proceeded to obsess about it the rest of the day. I know fluctuations will happen…I’m sure I’ll puff up at some point and freak out. I fear it, I hate it, I wait for it.
I engaged in self-harm, crossing a barrier I had feared previously because I believed that I needed some punishment in place to counter my hunger. My therapist said that this was because I’ve been visiting pro-ana websites which feed this idea and she asked me to make a commitment to not go to those sites again.
How do you say no to your therapist when you’re afraid of losing them if you don’t agree? I said I wouldn’t go there anymore and I intend on keeping that promise, mostly because I already pro-ana images saved on all my electronic devices to look at. Not words, just images, and I told my therapist that I cannot get rid of those images right now. She didn’t ask me to which is good because I would’ve had to say no to that no matter what.
I wonder how long this distraction will last, I really do. Am I so afraid of what I’ll see if I stop? I don’t think I’m as brave as I thought I was, or as accepting of what my mind might show me. My therapist believes that recent events with my emotions are ways that I’m finally letting myself feel and showing myself that I’m ready and that I can tolerate emotions.
She says that’s good. It just makes me scared of what could come up.