I Don’t Have The Words


This is just ridiculous!

I’m so freaking upset about things that I don’t know what to do.

This week in therapy my therapist warned me that my dieting is dangerous. She proceeded to tell me a story that, unlike her other warnings, got my attention.

She said that there was a nurse she knew (or knew of) who should’ve known better but was apparently not being balanced in her diet/activities. The gist is that the woman was found dead on the stairs because her heart gave out. My therapist was talking about how your electrolytes can get so low that there’s nothing the doctors can do to help a person. She said that she worked in the E.R. and that she saw people die because their electrolytes were so low that no matter how much the doctors pumped in, it was too late. The mechanism was broken and there was nothing to be done to save the person.

This got my attention because I told her that even though I am officially no longer overweight by bmi standards, I didn’t think that I was skinny enough to warrant the anorexic title or any other such worry. She said that the nurse was normal weight and died suddenly.

I’m not interested in dying. I just want to…I don’t know…disappear? Have my outside reflect my inside?

This fear of suddenly dying kind of freaked me out and mixed in with my already obsessive thinking. Part of me thought that at least my husband could remarry and find someone better who wouldn’t hold him back. The rest of me still didn’t want to die. So now I’m kind of scared.

But that fear did not stop me from severely restricting my calories. I looked over my last month on eating and exercising and I’m averaging around 800 calories a day but burning a couple of thousand either through just normal body functions that burn calories, like being awake or even sleeping, or through added exercise which is typically between 400-700 calories these days.

You would think the fear of dying would stop me, but I CAN’T stop! I don’t know how.

I was so freaked out that I scheduled a doctor’s appointment to have my blood work done to check my electrolytes. Maybe everything’s fine and I haven’t gone that far yet. The thing is, if I haven’t gone that far, I will continue to whittle myself down. It will give me permission.

One thing my therapist suggested was that I make a collage of the image I see in my head and work with that instead of doing it to myself. I don’t think Polyvore’s going to let me do that.

The other factor is that I actually get emotionally upset when I eat, especially if I enjoy the taste of the food. That makes it very hard to eat.

The second issue hit me somewhere during therapy but I honestly didn’t know how to express what I was feeling. That’s one of the perks of being abused in any way: difficulty with emotions and expressing oneself. For me, emotions weren’t safe. Emotions got you hit or berated.

My therapist says that I’m starting to give myself permission to feel emotions and that it’s a good thing. That may be, but what does one do when one feels deep emotions that are painful but they don’t know how to verbalize what’s happening?

She actually said that children in studies past would stop eating and just die because that was the only way they could express that something was wrong. She told me that I may have done this as a child (who knows) but that now, I’m an adult and I have words and other ways to express myself.

I don’t know that I do. As I write this, I feel so many things…fear, huge fear, sadness, grief, hopelessness. I may be able to write it but writing isn’t nearly enough to express it and I don’t have the words. I sure as hell can’t verbalize what’s inside me! It’s too big, too complex, too unknown, too disconnected.

I’m afraid of what memories may be in my head. I’m afraid to feel. I’m afraid of the past. I worry that I’ll never know for sure what actually happened. I’m afraid of the flashes. I’m afraid that they’re real and afraid that they’re not.

I want to know but I’m also scared to know. I’m scared that I’m just crazy after all. I’m scared of dropping dead but I’m helpless to stop myself from pursuing this.

Hmmm, fear seems to be the big one right now. I’m supposed to sit with my feelings. I’m supposed to parent the child that is me inside. How? How can I parent something when I don’t even know if I’m just an attention-seeking crazy person?

I was so scared during therapy when these emotions hit me. I was overwhelmed but remained silent because I don’t have the words. How do you get the words?

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About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, DID, dissociative identity disorder, Eating Disorder, Incest, neglect, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Self-injury, Sexual Abuse, Therapy, Trauma and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to I Don’t Have The Words

  1. Chris Davis says:

    Your words reach something deep inside us… the Ones that want to come and tell you that they understand, the Ones that have felt the same, wonder the same, and the Ones that know fear in all its permutations… if the pain you are feeling, the fears you have, are felt by One inside who is pre-verbal, you may not find ‘words’… your therapist may be on to something in a way, with the collage idea… we are very creative, artistically, writing, etc… and never moreso than when One or another or even several or all, are in some sort of higher excitement (fear, anger, pain, desire, love)… strong emotion often has no words. One thing we do when we have no words is we go to google and put in a search term … say ‘fear’, search and then click for only images (top left)… then we find images that express how we feel and we lay them out in an email in the order we want them seen and send them to our therapist (one of the things we do, communicate via email)… she knows what the images mean TO US and so she knows what we are saying… AND we are also communicating our emotions directly to her by her own emotional reaction to our images. Sometimes the images are our own work, sometimes found like we said… other times we add a song that might be relevant via youtube or from our own collection, other times we write (poetry, short works, etc.)… and now we sometimes use our FB page as a way to modulate our own feelings but trying to help others… as we imagine this blog helps you do sometimes. We are subscribers, but don’t comment often. We sometimes lack the confidence that what we might have to offer would be of any use… we , have a love/hate relationship with food… on several levels, but never have experienced what you do, and while we had a good friend who had bipolar, and we made a point to learn about it so we could be the best friend to her we could, we have not experienced that either… our commonality is being plural, but that doesn’t seem to be the core issue, or is it? If it’s a pre-verbal One who is having all these feelings, it may very well BE a big part of the issue… So. We don’t know whether this will make any sense (it was therapy day and have a migraine) but we wanted to at the very least let you know that you were heard… we hear you. Even without words.

    Chris, et al. http://www.facebook.com/VoicesfromWithin

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi Chris,

      We definitely have being plural in common. πŸ™‚

      I appreciated your thoughts on what’s happening, especially your about the possibility of parts being pre-verbal. That was an interesting concept.

      Also your idea about Googling emotions to find images was a good one. So thank you, your thoughts are definitely worthwhile.

  2. Perhaps this is of little interest to you but on the oft chance it is I’ll mention it. Could you go to an eating disorder support group? even a 12 step one like anorexics & bulimics anon. or if you think over eaters anon would be better-that’s available too. I’m just thinking it might help if you could talk with other people like yourself. There’s also emotions anonymous in some areas.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi reflections,

      The support group is not a bad idea. I hesitate for two reasons: when I was first diagnosed bipolar, I went a support group and people just whined and moaned about non-bipolar stuff the whole time. It was SO annoying and unhelpful lol!

      The other reason is that I feel I’m not thin enough to show up at an ED support group. Weird huh?

      Still, I may at least see if we have one around here.

  3. Karen says:

    I don’t know what to say.

    I can’t bear the thought of you being in danger. But obviously saying, “please stop dieting like this!” or, “you’re already beautiful” (which, incidentally, you most definitely are) because as you say – you can’t just stop, or believe in your beauty. Rationality rarely works in situations like this, I know 😦

    I wish I knew how to help you. All I can do is agree with reflectionsonlifethusfar about seeking out an ED group, even if you don’t actually believe you have one.

    And the words…I’m not convinced that they ever truly come. Maybe for some people, I don’t know. Much as it’s awful, I think they key thing is probably feeling, rather than saying. But then it’s easy to say, “you have to feel bad to feel better” – when you’re feeling, it’s horrendous to de with 😦

    Meh, I’m rambling. Sorry. I just want you to be okay. I wish I could jump on a plane and be there to give you a big, safe hug. Not that that would do any good but I wish I could do something, because you deserve to be in such a better place than this.

    Sending love and strength to you, lovely. Be safe.

    Take care

    K ❀ xxxxx

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi Karen,

      I liked the rambling. πŸ˜‰
      Yea, rational thought isn’t really happening or gettung through right now. Still, I really appreciate your concern. Feelings are hard for me as I’m a thinking type according to testing lol. I need words, even to write, and they just don’t exist right now.

      I would much rather fly to you because your country is beautiful and has better accents. πŸ™‚

  4. castorgirl says:

    Hi CI,

    “Have my outside reflect my inside?”

    Those words jumped out at me… what’s on the inside that needs to be reflected? Nothingness?? gasping, beyond measure pain?? a hollowness?? overwhelming emotional turmoil?? a need for invisibility??

    What is it?

    Do *you* think you have an eating disorder? I found this quite interesting page which helps you identify whether you should get help or not… it’s not triggering, but might be worth looking at – I think I have an eating disorder…

    Please, get help before it’s too late…

    Take care,
    CG

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi CG,

      That was an interesting link. Let’s just say that if I were to accept the list, yes, I absolutely have an eating disorder. It’s hard for me to accept that at the moment but a lot of my behaviors and feelings are on that list. I did appreciate the point that eating disorders aren’t just about looks but about thinking. My thinking is definitely disordered.

      As for what I wish was reflected? Probably everything you listed.

      Maybe at some point I can be as brave as you in admitting it. πŸ™‚

      • castorgirl says:

        Hi CI,

        Another thing I thought of when re-reading this post… have you ever heard of the song “Beautiful Girl” by INXS? Here’s the link to the non-triggering video. I identified with the words, but they may trigger you, not sure. The original video could be quite triggering, as it has lots of images about body image, etc.

        Take care,
        CG

      • CimmarianInk says:

        Hi CG,

        Why am I surprised that a band like that would know about eating disorders? The video was very real and raw. The words apply too. Thank you for sharing it.

  5. Hello, What a powerful question. How do you get the words? “Sometimes your silence is not a prison it is a position, which gives you words.” – Ressurrection I have created a term called, “Child Sexual Abuse Grooming”. It is a trademarked term using some deep research to clarify the help need for victims of child sexual abuse. I am nominated for YAHOO’s “Women Who Shine” and would love your VOTE. If I win, I get a COVER STORY to shed light on Child Sexual Abuse, and to talk in depth about what #CSAG is and how we can help people to overcome abuse. Feel free to Re-Blog the link as well. Thank you in advance. I am following you and will keep coming back to check out your work. Thanks Ressurrection http://ressurrection.wordpress.com/2012/04/25/why-child-sexual-abuse-grooming-must-become-a-felony-the-story-of-jason-kidd-and-his-daughter/

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