This is just ridiculous!
I’m so freaking upset about things that I don’t know what to do.
This week in therapy my therapist warned me that my dieting is dangerous. She proceeded to tell me a story that, unlike her other warnings, got my attention.
She said that there was a nurse she knew (or knew of) who should’ve known better but was apparently not being balanced in her diet/activities. The gist is that the woman was found dead on the stairs because her heart gave out. My therapist was talking about how your electrolytes can get so low that there’s nothing the doctors can do to help a person. She said that she worked in the E.R. and that she saw people die because their electrolytes were so low that no matter how much the doctors pumped in, it was too late. The mechanism was broken and there was nothing to be done to save the person.
This got my attention because I told her that even though I am officially no longer overweight by bmi standards, I didn’t think that I was skinny enough to warrant the anorexic title or any other such worry. She said that the nurse was normal weight and died suddenly.
I’m not interested in dying. I just want to…I don’t know…disappear? Have my outside reflect my inside?
This fear of suddenly dying kind of freaked me out and mixed in with my already obsessive thinking. Part of me thought that at least my husband could remarry and find someone better who wouldn’t hold him back. The rest of me still didn’t want to die. So now I’m kind of scared.
But that fear did not stop me from severely restricting my calories. I looked over my last month on eating and exercising and I’m averaging around 800 calories a day but burning a couple of thousand either through just normal body functions that burn calories, like being awake or even sleeping, or through added exercise which is typically between 400-700 calories these days.
You would think the fear of dying would stop me, but I CAN’T stop! I don’t know how.
I was so freaked out that I scheduled a doctor’s appointment to have my blood work done to check my electrolytes. Maybe everything’s fine and I haven’t gone that far yet. The thing is, if I haven’t gone that far, I will continue to whittle myself down. It will give me permission.
One thing my therapist suggested was that I make a collage of the image I see in my head and work with that instead of doing it to myself. I don’t think Polyvore’s going to let me do that.
The other factor is that I actually get emotionally upset when I eat, especially if I enjoy the taste of the food. That makes it very hard to eat.
The second issue hit me somewhere during therapy but I honestly didn’t know how to express what I was feeling. That’s one of the perks of being abused in any way: difficulty with emotions and expressing oneself. For me, emotions weren’t safe. Emotions got you hit or berated.
My therapist says that I’m starting to give myself permission to feel emotions and that it’s a good thing. That may be, but what does one do when one feels deep emotions that are painful but they don’t know how to verbalize what’s happening?
She actually said that children in studies past would stop eating and just die because that was the only way they could express that something was wrong. She told me that I may have done this as a child (who knows) but that now, I’m an adult and I have words and other ways to express myself.
I don’t know that I do. As I write this, I feel so many things…fear, huge fear, sadness, grief, hopelessness. I may be able to write it but writing isn’t nearly enough to express it and I don’t have the words. I sure as hell can’t verbalize what’s inside me! It’s too big, too complex, too unknown, too disconnected.
I’m afraid of what memories may be in my head. I’m afraid to feel. I’m afraid of the past. I worry that I’ll never know for sure what actually happened. I’m afraid of the flashes. I’m afraid that they’re real and afraid that they’re not.
I want to know but I’m also scared to know. I’m scared that I’m just crazy after all. I’m scared of dropping dead but I’m helpless to stop myself from pursuing this.
Hmmm, fear seems to be the big one right now. I’m supposed to sit with my feelings. I’m supposed to parent the child that is me inside. How? How can I parent something when I don’t even know if I’m just an attention-seeking crazy person?
I was so scared during therapy when these emotions hit me. I was overwhelmed but remained silent because I don’t have the words. How do you get the words?