An Ultimatum and Anxiety

Quick post.

My therapist gave me the choice to either help myself or get referred to an eating disorder clinic in the metro area miles away for intensive outpatient treatment.

I won’t do that so it’s up to me I guess. She gave me instructions on what to do, how to eat. She said I have to stop tracking calories and I freaked and started crying. Me. Crying.

I finally got it at that moment that this isn’t about food. Otherwise I wouldn’t have cried.

I’ll blog more later. Right now I’m dreading weighing in tomorrow and I’m having urges to cut again.

My meds are kicking in so I have to sleep now.

About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Child Molestation, DID, dissociative identity disorder, Eating Disorder, Incest, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, self-harm, Self-injury, Sexual Abuse, Therapy, Trauma and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

17 Responses to An Ultimatum and Anxiety

  1. I’m sad to hear things are so frustrating. Offering warm thoughts. Please stay safe.

  2. It is difficult when a therapist makes an ultimatum. If you think she is right in doing this then work into slowly with your therapists help. Good Luck. I have such reaction when I feel my therapist expects something that feels to abrupt an ultimatum. This happened recently and I didn’t react any differently then you have. Do stay safe and hope you will be able to ahieve your goals. J.K.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi secret keeper,

      Yes ultimatums are very hard to digest. It’s also hard because I can’t agree with her assessment because I’m not thin enough. She says it’s about obsessive thoughts, not weight. We’ll see what happens.

      • good luck. is your therapist really strict or is she just being concerned. mine gets pushy sometimes but in a good way. she just wants me to make the right choices and not screw up which i can do often. it seems my life is so full of decisions all the time and not little ones. too much pressure, are you feeling that way too? J.K.

      • CimmarianInk says:

        Hi secret keeper,

        My therapist definitely means well. There is a lot of pressure and unless they’ve gone through it, it can be hard for them to understand I think.

        I hope you’re well. πŸ™‚

      • Doing ok. Therapist out sick today. It is an interesting time. My former therapist. APA code wouldn’t let us contact each other for two years after we ended our therapy together. She changed jobs. It was a difficult parting. Well the two years are up on 11.23.12…8 days from today. Have no idea what I want to do. Doing nothing seems a good option. But then I will never know what might be. We were really close. That’s what I thought. Everyone around me thinks I should just continue to walk away. Just out of curiosity-same situation-loved your therapist-had a close relationship-had to part for two years-now you can see her again. Would you do it? Would you want to? Hope you don’t mind me asking you this. I may just turn it into a post on my blog after the date in question. Pressure. I think an important decision which could go either way but which way and what if I make the wrong decision will I know if I do? That’s how I am doing.

        And you are right our therapist pretty much have no idea what we are going through. Mine does in certain areas but in others not really. She’s good to talk to but only those who have been there can know what it’s about. Thanks for listening. j.k.

      • CimmarianInk says:

        Hi secret keeper,

        I honestly don’t know what I’d do. I may test it to see if we still connected because things can change after two years. I have no idea. I’ll be curious what you decide and how things go for you. πŸ™‚

      • hi. thank you for your honesty. there are 3 days left. hopefully i will see my present therapist on tuesday. i have been in a state of bipolar crisis for awhile. my therapist would usually laugh at this poiny when i tell her i don’t understand why. too many things. i will let you know what i decide and if i do go through contacting her i will probably write about it on my blog. lots of changes going on all over. too much violence in the wprld. too much to think about. i am in sensory overload. going to to see my chiropractor on wed. he’s seeing me on a special day. a good friend. good listener and he was getting a horse this past weekend. if it worked he said he would bring photos. then there’s thanksgiving dinner—that means stuffing. yum. lots of excitement and craziness. i will keep on touch. you do the same. sorry this is so one sided. jennifer j.k. ps. the future should be curiously interesting.

      • CimmarianInk says:

        Hey jennifer,
        It’s not one-sided at all. πŸ™‚ And I hope the chiropractor helped.

  3. Hugs!!! Try holding onto an ice cube and letting it fully melt in your hand…it can help the urge to cut. IOP was the best decision I ever made…even though I was terrified….it was the best decision. You can do this. You do not have to do it alone.

    • CimmarianInk says:


      You’ll laugh because I had to think really hard to figure out what IOP was. πŸ˜‰ I’m glad it helped you and thanks for the support and optimism.

      • ❀ I almost typed it out and then didn't!! It'll become a second language…and, some of the first people I could be truly authentic with were my IOPeeps πŸ™‚ They have become my confidants and support system. One of my favorite parts of IOP…meeting people who were like me…and ready to heal together.

  4. castorgirl says:

    Hi CI,

    This may sound harsh, but I’m glad you have someone in your life who cares enough to give you an ultimatum, and has the persistence to follow it through, if necessary. You do need to address your eating disorder, as the longer you leave it, the more difficult it will be to recover from it.

    I know ultimatums can be scary, but your therapist is coming from a stance of caring. She wants you healthy… If you’re healthy, then the other areas of your healing can progress too.

    I’m also glad you cried… you need too! You’re in pain, and crying is a natural reaction to that pain.

    Please take care,

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi CG,

      She may care but when I woke up this morning 2 lbs heavier none of that matters. I don’t know why I even tried because she can’t force me to go.

      I don’t think I can do this. Especially when my health is still good and affected by my habits. My blood work was fine, my weight is “healthy”. Stopping because the benefit is crying is not a good enough reason.

      You know what this is like…have you decided how to help yourself? How am I supposed to?

    • CimmarianInk says:

      P.S. I’m not trying to be harsh either. It’s the frustration and conflict surrounding the whole matter. I’m sorry if my comment sounded angry.

  5. I got to the point, where–after 22 years of fasting, restricting, thinking I was unworthy–I’d stepped on the scale and thought “It’ll be easy to lose another 10″…and my next thought was “What the F are you doing??? This isn’t some game!!!”…that was the point where, for the first time, I knew I needed help…and I told someone. He didn’t push. He encouraged, he supported, he prayed…he helped me begin to find the worth in me. I decided I needed to look into a program…and still was shocked (and terrified) when they suggested partial hospitalization or intensive outpatient…there was no way I was *that* sick. But, it was time. And I wanted to heal. I had no idea what to expect. I was terrified of losing that comfy ED coat I’d known for so long. I went into treatment ready to do the work…I wanted to heal…It’s been exactly what I needed. I had no idea my body could feel this good.

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