Yea, This Isn’t Going To Work…Epic Fail

There was a moment in therapy this week that was very emotional. I wrote a little yesterday but I need to add to it.

We were discussing changes I need to make concerning the supposed eating disorder my therapist thinks I have, to avoid being referred to an eating disorder program. The program would likely not be covered by insurance and it would require driving two hours to another city, three times a week. Not happening obviously.

So when we came to changes, she said I had to stop tracking my calories and as I wrote yesterday, I started crying.

I was completed thrown. I could not believe I was crying about not counting calories! What the!?

I said so, and my therapist became very gentle and said that this would be like a loss of control for me and that when I was little I had no control over what happened to me. This would be very scary and crying wasn’t safe then.

I realized, really realized that my disordered thinking about food is not about food. I didn’t really see that so forcefully until then. Before that I had basically repeated what my therapist said along those lines but I didn’t absorb it.

Later she drew me a diagram of what a healthy plate of food would be made up of. I went to the store and bought some healthy food and cooked a meal when I got home.

I made whole wheat pasta, with vegetable spahetti sauce and lean ground turkey. That sounds okay right?

I woke up this morning…2 lbs heavier. I was absolutely crushed.

Then I binged, well what I consider binging, and I felt so sad and just lost.I can’t purge so there’s no taking it back.

I couldn’t handle it so I worked out until I had burned over 1,300 calories.

I can’t do this. I can’t just eat and not count calories. I can’t stop working out even when I’m in physical pain, tired or injured. I can’t. I can’t.

Maybe my therapist will stop seeing me because of this. But I can’t afford treatment out-of-town and I can’t do this. So that leaves me where?


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Child Molestation, DID, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Eating Disorder, Incest, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Sexual Abuse, Therapy, Trauma and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

16 Responses to Yea, This Isn’t Going To Work…Epic Fail

  1. You can do this…and trying to do all of it at once is too much…weighing and measuring and meal plan and trauma work–it’s a TON to put on yourself all right now. Moment by moment…step by step…progress, not perfection. I promise it can be done….slowly….

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi standing,

      I don’t know what to say. I think I tried to do everything but I gained a ton of weight. I’ll blog in a moment.

      • If you are able to follow meal plan (do you have one?) and not weigh for a few days…that’s helpful…I am letting my team be responsible for the weighing. I am not at a place where I can monitor it or be able to healthily deal with knowing my weight on a moment by moment basis. Hugs!!!!!

      • CimmarianInk says:

        Hi standing,

        I don’t have a meal plan, she just said to eat 3 meals a day, eat when I’m hungry, stop when I’m full, keep it healthy.

        She tried to suggest I stop weighing but I told her she was asking too much, too soon.

      • Ahhh…do you feel hungry? do you feel full? I have lost the ability to feel hunger…and it’s brain -related…the brain shuts down that part (it’s all a serotonin/dopamine ‘switch’). Until your metabolism is regulated, it’s nearly impossible to work on the ‘shit’ that goes into ED…The meal plan helped me get there 🙂

  2. Freasha1964 says:

    Hi CI,
    I am sorry that this is so hard for you. You actually seem, from my perspective, to be making great strides. It seems huge that you can see that its not about food at all.
    If you drink a quart of water, you will gain 2 pounds- for a while. I sort of wish you’d also put your scale somewhere where you can’t find it :).
    Do you think you have gotten into a sort of rut? You haven’t been this hung up about food since I “met” you. At least you didn’t say so much.
    And you are feeling enough to be able to cry. That is huge, too.
    Just keep eating sensibly. I suspect that your weight is fine. Has your MD told you you are overweight? You might not be the best judge. Keep remembering your discovery; that it is not at all about food. That counting calories is a means of control.
    I will be sending good vibes your way. I hope you feel better soon.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi Freasha,

      It’s good to “see” you. You’re right that food is a more recent issue. I wasn’t like this before.

      Putting the scale away is more than I am capable of right now. Maybe someday…

      And yes I was overweight by quite a lot. The bipolar meds caused a gain of over 100 lbs that I’ve been struggling with for years. But that’s more of a side issue I guess.

      Thanks for the vibes, they’re always appreciated.

  3. meredith says:

    Food becomes an issue in therapy for so many reason, CI. We have so many memory connections–good, bad, and ugly–that begin at birth. Food is the first thing we learn to control. We learn to take in, digest, puke, poop… and,most often, these behaviors are also the first we learn, even if they seem involuntary. Of course, you want to have control.

    BUT… you don’t have control the way you believed. Right?

    If driving for treatment is not an option, give yourself a better option. This is still your show, and it’s not about the food… so, you know… deal.

    I love you.
    Meredith (who also deals…)

  4. aniseoneal says:

    Having developed anorexia at 26 (relatively late), I so sympathize with you about counting calories. On that note, it puzzles me why people who don’t count calories but eat into the 1000’s per day seem to be very busy surviving – oh and when they LOSE the damn weight, out pops Oprah to give them a $250,000 well done. GRRRR!

    When I was told I MUST count calories, I would just add the odd 50 here and there. Not every day but just slowly.

    NOW>>>Want to feel better about it? Exercise!!! Walk the dog cycle, jog. If you DO have a dog, FFS (Fearless, Fun and Strong) have fun! DON’T STOP! GET YOURSELF INTO THE ROUTINE and stickin

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi aniseoneal,

      The way metabolisms vary among people can be frustrating. I appreciate you saying how old you were when you developed an ED. I wondered how often it happened in adults.

      We’ll see what happens. Thanks for commenting.

  5. castorgirl says:

    Hi CI,

    Remember that you didn’t get to this place with your eating disorder overnight; so, it’s not going to be an overnight fix, or resolution… It’s going to take time, hard work and set-backs. There’s also going to be rays of hope, clarity and healing – like the one in therapy where you saw that the eating disorder wasn’t about food, but other things. So please go gently on yourself… Yes, you need to do some hard work, but you need to be realistic about what you can and can’t do immediately. One of the things that EDS told me, was that if the changes are gradual, they’re less likely to scare me, and more likely to be accepted. That might be an approach that works for you??

    I’m thinking of you…
    Take care,

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi CG,

      Yes my therapist emailed me with similar sentiments…slow changes, expect setbacks etc.

      I am going to post a quick blog in a moment because I’m a different place than I was even a few days ago.

  6. aniseoneal says:

    HI Hun
    Control is paramount, I know this. However, having to make decisions during the day is difficult because you’re in different moods from hour to hour. Make yourself a food box for each day. Just before bed, get this ready for the following day. Chopped up apple, carrots, celery, salad stuff, crackers, a slice of bread…whatever turns you on. Count your box calories, be happy with it and then shove it in the fridge. Now you can be calm in the morning… the day because you’ve done your counting and everything you’re going to eat for the day is in your box. Take a couple of bites of the bread after each snack as bread makes purging really difficult. You’re in control. YOU AND YOUR BOX are in CONTROL through the day and you can chill. The counting is done, The anti-purging food is eaten so enjoy the calm, the peace. Just make yourself ONE promise. By the end of the day, the box will be empty and ready to receive tomorrow’s calories. Always include that protective bread. You’ll learn to love it.

    Been there, done it, conquered. Sending you love.
    Anise XXX

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