There was a moment in therapy this week that was very emotional. I wrote a little yesterday but I need to add to it.
We were discussing changes I need to make concerning the supposed eating disorder my therapist thinks I have, to avoid being referred to an eating disorder program. The program would likely not be covered by insurance and it would require driving two hours to another city, three times a week. Not happening obviously.
So when we came to changes, she said I had to stop tracking my calories and as I wrote yesterday, I started crying.
I was completed thrown. I could not believe I was crying about not counting calories! What the!?
I said so, and my therapist became very gentle and said that this would be like a loss of control for me and that when I was little I had no control over what happened to me. This would be very scary and crying wasn’t safe then.
I realized, really realized that my disordered thinking about food is not about food. I didn’t really see that so forcefully until then. Before that I had basically repeated what my therapist said along those lines but I didn’t absorb it.
Later she drew me a diagram of what a healthy plate of food would be made up of. I went to the store and bought some healthy food and cooked a meal when I got home.
I made whole wheat pasta, with vegetable spahetti sauce and lean ground turkey. That sounds okay right?
I woke up this morning…2 lbs heavier. I was absolutely crushed.
Then I binged, well what I consider binging, and I felt so sad and just lost.I can’t purge so there’s no taking it back.
I couldn’t handle it so I worked out until I had burned over 1,300 calories.
I can’t do this. I can’t just eat and not count calories. I can’t stop working out even when I’m in physical pain, tired or injured. I can’t. I can’t.
Maybe my therapist will stop seeing me because of this. But I can’t afford treatment out-of-town and I can’t do this. So that leaves me where?