Today’s feeling is fury and therapy may be a casualty

*food issues discussed*

I am beyond angry. I am beyond furious. Have you ever been so angry that you become still instead of shaking with it?

As of this morning I have gained 6lbs. SIX! SIX! Do you hear me!?

This is unacceptable. And I’m so angry. Angry at myself yes but also angry at my husband for thinking that I should be able to eat easily now so he takes me to restaurants that he knows have food I have trouble resisting. And I’m extremely angry at my therapist for pushing me to eat. You have no idea how angry I am with her.

Yes I put the fork to my mouth but I didn’t do it alone.

It’s done. I have to handle to damage I’ve done now. The rest of my week has to be about reversing what I’ve done.

As for my therapist…this may be the first time I’ve ever said this but, if she can’t accept where I am right now then we don’t need to see each other anymore.

She can’t force me into outpatient treatment and after the 6lb gain I’m back to being medically overweight again. Congratulations to me.

I’m done. And I also have to fight to get my self-control back. I was like a starving person presented with a buffet. I didn’t overeat, at least not the way normal people do…but the 6lbs is staring me in the face and I cannot deal with that. I won’t. I refuse. She can either handle it or we’re done.


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Eating Disorder, Therapy and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Today’s feeling is fury and therapy may be a casualty

  1. Freasha1964 says:

    Oh, how hard this all seems! I am so sorry that this is happening to you.
    Do tell your therapist that you are furious with her. That seems to me like the logical next step. From what you have said about her, she will know how to handle it. In fact, I suspect she would welcome your expression of some of the most difficult feelings to express; feelings you didn’t dare express in the past. I hope you can try this, but only if it feels right for you.

    • Karen says:

      I think Freasha is right – it could be good just to let go in anger with her, or at least tell her you’re so pissed off. If you feel comfortable, of course – I know it’s not necessarily easy.

      Other than that I have nothing of any use to say, but I wanted to comment because I know I haven’t much recently, yet I think about you every day and wanted you to know that.

      Love and (((hugs))) ❤ xoxox

      • CimmarianInk says:

        Hi Karen,

        I told her how I felt and watched with humor as she tried to make notes on my tirade.

        I appreciate the comment but I never get upset if you’re quiet for a while. 🙂

        No worries and I think of you everyday as well. ((hug))

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi Freasha,

      I did tell her. She handled it very well. We had a long talk but I’m still not sure how to deal with all this. Thank you for the support though, really. 🙂

  2. aniseoneal says:

    I’m SO PROUD of you for telling your Therapist how you feel about her. As for how you deal with this now is up to you. Try to logically decide how you feel about what happened… nothing else, just about the Therapist tirade. Make a list of emotions, not because you FEEL them but just because they ARE emotions:


    Against each one, just write “No” or “Yes”. If it’s a yes, try to write down in just a few words, why you feel that way. Hopefully, this will be allow you to better understand what you feel and if YOU choose to, verbalise to your therapist those feelings.

    I’m not a therapist; I have the same diagnosis’ as you do. I actually have a notebook for specific events. Writing down what I DO and DON’T feel is something I came up with myself many years ago and has really helped me.

    I hope it can help you to.

    Anise 🙂

    Ps: Here’s a link to a site that lists different emotions. I may help you to make your own list down the side of a page.

  3. aniseoneal says:

    I’m happy that it helped. I sometimes find it hard to express how I feel, especially 🙂 when I don’t feel anything at all. I don’t know if you experience this but I’m sometimes totally numb, like there is a void inside me and my body is like a shell just holding the nothingness inside.

    One thing I was surprised not to see on the list is what I consider to be one of the most crippling states of mind of all… inadequacy. From this comes so many emotions: anger, sadness, fear, hate and shame etc etc.

    Take care of you… for we who care. X

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