It’s fading…(one of possibly several posts)

I have no idea how to describe what’s been happening in my mind and body for the last few days regarding my thoughts and feelings about sexual abuse and my uncle.

It’s fading away…or should I say that I’m losing the thread? About 2 days ago I had a  really strange feeling, like something was wrong inside me. I didn’t quite grasp it right away but I knew it had to do with him and all the surrounding issues of what , if anything, happened etc.

It was like the feelings of fear and anxiety and nerves and sadness and whatever…started pulling away from me. I’m not talking about the feelings resolving or disappearing. this felt strange and really wrong. It’s like the abuse is a story…something that’s not exactly real but a story someone told me that has faded. Again, I’m not saying it didn’t happen because that’s not the feeling. I’m just…losing my grasp on everything that has to do with it.

There’s no fear, or nausea or terror or anxiety. The flashes that I was seeing everyday, every hour are just….gone but not really gone inside me…I just can’t see them anymore.

It’s like I’m missing part of my body. Something isn’t right. There’s no connection to emotions or anything. I think of him and…nothing. I think of that hallway I see in my head and…I don’t know what happens. A blend of nothing and then unease because something is wrong.

I’m not questioning the abuse/molestation or whatever but it’s so unreal right now, it’s like it happened to someone else who told me the story and yet that someone is me. But I don’t feel anything. There’s nothing. And I feel half-blind or like I’m missing a hand or fingers or something.

I don’t understand what’s happening to me.

I was going to write a post about something meaningful that happened to me involving memory of my childhood in general but I don’t know if I can now considering how strange I feel and what’s missing.

I don’t know what to do because I don’t know what this is.


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Child Molestation, DID, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Sexual Abuse, Trauma and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to It’s fading…(one of possibly several posts)

  1. kat says:

    it sounds like you are experiencing derealization and depersonalization. the first, the world around you feels unreal, like a movie. the second you feel like you are watching you in the movie. they are other kinds of dissociation, so your mind probably felt you were not ready to look at all the truth surrounding the flashbacks, and your uncle. so it pulled you away like this, trying to help you cope. it seems to me, when you are ready, then all your parts will let you see everything, feel it. Good luck, hang in there!

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi Kat,

      I wondered if it was either of those, I’ve experienced them before and this felt different than my past experiences. But maybe derealization and depersonalization can feel different at different times?

      Thanks Kat. 🙂

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