Picking Apart Anger To Get To The Why


This week during therapy I told my therapist that I have been experiencing a lot of anger; sometimes quite vicious. I had no explanation for it especially considering what triggered the anger.

During the last week to week and a half I have had a rather large group of people making comments about my weight. I cannot adequately describe how upsetting these comments are or the anxiety and yes, anger that they cause.

I already wrote about my mother-in-law’s comment and the waitress’ comment. What happened after that was just too much to bear.

I went to my religious services and the same young woman who had made such a stink over my “flat stomach” previously, proceeded to come up behind me and in a loud voice (per her usual behavior as an attention-seeking yeller) she squealed and flailed about, saying that I was “wasting away” and I needed to “stop” losing weight, among other things. These statements were made dramatically and I should have lots of exclamation points behind it.

I was so thrown and embarrassed and angry, and then another woman came up behind me and said: “Are you losing weight? Because you need to stop. I mean so that I can catch up!”

The only thing I could think to say was to remind them that I had gained 100 lbs on my meds and that I needed to lose it. That shut them up for the moment.

Later the first girl, the yeller, seemed to realize that her comments could be taken as an insult so she made a point of saying that I look good and she hadn’t meant otherwise. She again repeated that she is trying to lose weight. I said something nice about her weight and dropped it.

An hour or so later we were all at someone’s house and a different woman leaned over and asked me if I was losing weight. I was so overwhelmed by this attention and comment making; I can only imagine what my face looked like as inside I was anxious and so very tired of it. I said yes and she asked the normal question, “What are you doing?” I said what was expected: diet and exercise. She wanted to know what exercise and I told her. There was another woman sitting by us and she chimed in about my weight loss. It was beyond getting ridiculous! I again mentioned that I was losing medication weight and the second woman helpfully said that she remembered when I had been skinny. W-o-w. Thanks for that you giant bitch.

Since the get-together was a meal and I hadn’t eaten anything yet, I ate one small chicken thigh and called it a day.

After telling my therapist about these incidents and my anger she wanted to explore why I got angry. I had no explanation and I’m grateful that she made some connections that I couldn’t.

I told her that when people compliment me on my weight or make these comments about it, all I can think is…“You have no idea what’s going on inside me or why I’m doing this! This isn’t a good thing. Just shut up and STOP TALKING ABOUT IT!!!!”

See? Anger.

Again I can’t explain how much I do NOT want people to talk about it. I don’t want people to look at me or talk about me or assume that I give a shit about what they think of my body.

My therapist said that it’s like they don’t really know me. I agreed. She told me that there was a time in her life when she had experienced a loss, and she, by accident not design, lost weight. People told her how good she looked and all she could think was, ‘I’m at the worst point in my life and all you can do is judge how I look? That’s all you see?’

She got it.

Her other insight into my anger was that in the past, any methods of self-harm I had were my secret. They were hidden and no one could see them. This is different because people can see my secret…I can’t hide it and it makes me angry.

I completely agree with that. I didn’t see that until she said it.

I feel like this is so very private and so very mine that it’s beyond unforgivable for someone to intrude and say something.

My husband said that women seem to think they have a right to comment on another woman’s body. I agree.

It also adds more stress to know that people are looking at my body and noticing changes. That means that if I gain, they will notice that too. Do you know how awful it is to know that people are looking at your body and judging it? Making comments probably behind your back? It makes my jaw clench just thinking about it.

The wonderful thing is that my friend (in real life) here who knows that I am having food issues, continues to say how good I look and how people wish they could look like me and how I look like a model blah blah blah. Why would someone say that to someone they know is struggling? I don’t get that!

If you knew someone who was going through chemotherapy would you tell them how jealous you were of their weight loss? Or that you wish you didn’t have to worry about your hair either? C’mon! (I’m not equating food issues with cancer, merely pointing out behavior that would obviously be stupid)

I am floored by how many people…people who know less than zero about me…think they have a right to talk to me about my body, my life or anything else for that matter.

Yea, I’m angry.

Today I went antiquing with my “friend” and an older man commented on how tall and thin I am. He had noticed me when I walked in the incredibly large building filled with lots of people. Unnerving. And immediately after he said that, an older woman came up to me and complimented my posture and height. Jeez! What the hell!?

The annoying part is that my weight bobbled up within the last few days and I almost didn’t leave the house because I was afraid the people who are watching would notice that I got fatter. This gets better all the time.

I should add that I’m not talking about any of you. Many of you I consider to be my friends and I have no problem talking about things here. This place is different and many of you know me better than most.

So, me and my anger should probably get cozy as I don’t think that these people will change flapping their gums any time soon. I am going to tell the next person who says something that they need to mind their own business. I really hope it’s the yelling girl because I would look forward to that. That’s probably bitchy but oh well.

 

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About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Child Molestation, DID, dissociative identity disorder, Eating Disorder, Incest, Mental Health, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, self-harm, Self-injury, Sexual Abuse, Therapy, Trauma and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Picking Apart Anger To Get To The Why

  1. castorgirl says:

    Hi CI,

    I experience so much of what you talk about here… the anger and anxiety about people talking about my weight… I often end up feeling like this object that people are talking about and not too.

    Oddly enough, parts of me look for this type of interaction… I’ve worked out that my weight loss is (similar to what you mention) an external reflection of my internal chaos/hell/pain… In addition, it’s a form of self-injury, and re-victimising for parts of the system. All of this adds up to what ends up being a scenario where I’m in so much pain, and yet everyone is walking around talking about that pain as if it’s a good thing… Which, for me is like setting up scenarios similar to when the abuse was happening in the past… In one area of my life I’m in so much pain, yet in others I was smiling and pretending like everything was fine. People around me saw the smile and commented on that attitude… it was like they failed to see the “real me” and the pain. So now, the people are seeing my weight loss and giving compliments… not seeing the pain… therefore, they’re sort of playing the role of one of the people who should have seen the abuse in the past, but didn’t… or did, but didn’t do anything about it… I’ve been told that my weight loss is about setting those people up to fail me again, because that’s all that I think that I deserve.

    I’m not sure if I’ve explained this well, or whether it relates to anything you’re experiencing… but thought I’d mention it, just in case. There are so many issues, and layers associated with any form of self-injury… and yes, the food issues are often about self-injury.

    I’m really sorry you’re being treated with such a lack of care, respect and dignity… Please remember that what you’re seeing and hearing says more about those people, and their issues, rather than anything to do with you. In many ways, that makes it sadder, as it means that those people are not going to be able to see *you*… You need someone to really see you… the real you… the you that is hurting so much…

    Please take care,
    CG

    • CimmarianInk says:

      CG,

      You explained it very well. You’re right about the aspect of the mind/system that wants to look the way we feel. It’s very objectifying to have people dissect and judge the body and maybe there is a connection there to being objectified in the past?

      The tragedy of people either not seeing your abuse reflected in your behavior as a child, or not responding to it is not lost on me. It seems like sometimes all we can do is re-enact the past. That’s sad is’t it? I do believe that a person can get to a point where that’s no longer the only way, but it absolutely sucks that we have to deal with this fallout when we didn’t do anything wrong. The abusers have no consequences seemingly (though I don’t believe that it stays that way).

      You deserve someone to see the real you as well CG. I think it’s good to have an outlet in blogging because at least we can all show care and respect here. 🙂

      • castorgirl says:

        Hi CI,

        Yes, I think there is an element of objectification happening now, and then… That objectification is also a great way to ramp up the dissociation and disconnect – I’m not sure about you, but I often experience a form of depersonalisation when I’m being paid the compliments about my weight… it’s almost automatic – I start to smile, say the words they expect to hear, and all the while I become more and more depersonalised…

        I hope we can stop the re-enactments… I know we can… it’s about seeing those patterns and making moves to change them. It sure isn’t easy, and will probably always be a process… but I have to believe we can do it…

        Take care,
        CG

  2. Freasha1964 says:

    Thank you for this very enlightening discussion. I really haven’t seen body image discussed in such depth. This all makes so much sense.

    I don’t think I have ever commented without solicitation on anyone’s weight loss -or gain- simply because in our culture, it is considered rude to comment on weight gain, and if you can’t comment on the negative space of the issue, you probably should leave the positive space alone, too. They sure go together and you have really brought that home for me. And besides, no matter what, the person inside is still the same. I think you are beautiful, CI, and I can see you better without all that visual clutter of a physical presence.

    Your therapist has scored several more points in my opinion. She’s good.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi Freasha,

      Thank you so much for saying that. 🙂 I’m really glad the discussion came off enlightening, I always worry. It would probably be good if everyone handled commenting on weight the way you do.

      And yea, my therapist gained some points with me too. 😉

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