My therapist said something to me either this last week or a couple of weeks ago, I can’t remember but the words have been haunting and hounding me. They’ve doubled, then tripled in strength since they were first said.
The interesting part is that I know what she was saying but that’s not what I “heard”.
She was once again trying to reason with me logically about the need to eat etc. and she repeated her belief that you can’t control the body with your mind ie you can’t eat too little and expect your body to do what you want. The body will run the way it’s designed which means it will slow the metabolism way down and try to conserve everything in order to survive. She believes that you can’t change what your body will do.
In the course of this part of the conversation, I said something that I don’t remember and she said “You haven’t lost as much weight as you should have.”
Now, hold on! Let me again put her words into context. What she meant was that, considering the way I’m dieting, if my logic worked then I should weigh a lot less, but instead she was being proven right because my body isn’t doing what I want it to do, it’s slowing down and I’m not losing weight the way I want to.
But…what I heard was very different. I heard, “You haven’t been very successful at having an eating disorder.” “You don’t have the self-discipline that other women have.” “You’re a failure.” “You’re a lot bigger than you should be.” “You don’t really have an eating disorder because you’ve failed at losing weight.”
And now those words in the guise of her original statement, are swimming in my head bullying me everyday, mocking me when I weigh myself each morning, telling me how much of a failure I am.
My therapist has no idea the impact those words had on me. I haven’t told her because…what’s the point? It might hurt her if she thought I had taken something the wrong way.
I keep thinking that if I had the discipline of women who actually have anorexia then I would already look a lot thinner. I would look like the women I see in those pictures. But I don’t because I lack discipline. Then, I hate myself more and more and try every day to limit myself but now I keep focusing on a new number that I should eating. The problem is that I don’t know if I could restrict that much every single day. I’ve done it a few times and felt really good about it but I haven’t done it consistently every day.
I figure that I can’t have an eating disorder when I eat this much and weigh this much. I should way a lot less than I do and I hate myself for failing, for being soft.
I’ve been doing this for what? 3 months? I’d have to check my records but whenever it was, I haven’t lost a lot of weight, not nearly as much as I should have. I can’t express how angry that makes me. Angry at myself.
Yes, people see a difference in how I look. Maybe the weight change is being reflected in my shape and not the numbers but that’s not good enough.
I’ve set a weight goal for the end of the month since it’s also the end of the year. I don’t know if I can get there. Last month I hit my lowest weight since I started losing and I felt a brief spurt of happiness that lasted for about 1/2 a second before it fizzled. I haven’t seen that number since because as always, I bobbled up again. It makes me want to punch things, it’s so infuriating!
I feel like, if I could just do what the other girls do, then I would be where I should be. I’m just too weak. I’ve been considering some sort of punishment if I fail to meet this goal. I don’t know what the punishment would be but I don’t know of any other way to force me to behave.
Part of the point of these goals is that I keep saying if I reach a certain number then I will stop the disordered thinking and eat “normally” but that can’t happen until I reach the end goal. I just wish I was stronger. That I could be more strict, more controlling, more disciplined. This whole situation really highlights my weaknesses and I hate it.