Out Of Options

My therapist told me today that considering my blood tests and blood pressure dropping that I am a few weeks away from having to go into to treatment a few hours away from where I live. She said that soon we would need to have a meeting with my psychiatrist and my husband; that my psychiatrist would likely put me on new medication because I’m incapable of thinking rationally right now.

Or…I could change my disordered eating.

Well that just sucks doesn’t it? I don’t feel like I have much of a choice but she said that I’m making the choice not to change and I can choose to do otherwise. Well isn’t that just swell?

I tried to explain the draw of self-harming this way but she said that I won’t understand why I feel the need to do this until after I stop. Great…

So her instructions to me are that, since my appetite is all backwards and not working, I need to eat every two hours. I’m to eat something that “nourishes”, whatever the hell that means. She wants me to reconnect with my body by listening to what it tells me it wants because that’s what it needs. Blah blah blah…

I was hit by waves of sadness in therapy as we talked which she always likes because she wants me in touch with my feelings. The more we talked about me eating, the more sadness smacked me in the face. This pretty much sucks.

But I also loathe the idea of a meeting with my husband, therapist and psychiatrist. Ugh! No way am I sitting down for that.

She’s acting like I don’t have time to work on other things; the eating has to change now in her opinion. She likened what I’m doing to playing Russian Roulette. She said that she and my husband are watching me hold the gun to my head and pull the trigger over and over because at any moment my body can collapse on me and it will be too late.

Boo hoo. I’m not ready for this yet so I doubt this will work. It did occur to me while driving home today that I might have an eating disorder. But I’m also feeling super pissed about being pushed and part of me thinks that maybe ending up in the hospital isn’t such a bad thing. What do I care?

At the same time, I had a panic attack the other night because I thought that I might die at any second. How stupid is that? It’s like my mind can’t decide what it wants: to die or not to die. Or not to really die but to toy with dying. Part of me welcomes the cold, sterile white of the hospital. But I also know that I hate being hospitalized.

I’m very aware of the duality of my thinking. Like two sides of a coin. This side…then that side…this side…then that side.

I just ate some pizza and I already feel ill.


I may fail at stopping the disordered eating or I’ll fail at keeping it. Either way it’s failure somehow. It doesn’t feel like I can win this one.


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Child Molestation, DID, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Eating Disorder, Incest, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, self-harm, Self-injury, Sexual Abuse, suicidal ideation, Therapy, Trauma and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

18 Responses to Out Of Options

  1. *gentle hugs* Sounds like you had a really rough session! Wishing I had something helpful to say, but I’m at the other end of the spectrum eating too much! Nearly in tears thinking about how hurt some of us have ended up. I don’t have any answers, but I’m sending lots of comfort and hope. Be gentle with yourself. ~ rl

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi rl,

      It is sad how much damage can be done to a person and how it can reverberate throughout our lives.

      I like to think that one day we’ll be looking back on these days from the other side, seeing that things got better.

  2. daylily2011 says:

    I just heard something similar from my therapist about drinking. I wrote about how I hated what she said so much I wanted to end therapy. She also wanted to bring my husband into therapy. She said it was to help him understand but I feel like it’s an intervention to gang up on me. What happened to therapists being non-judgmental and supportive? I could be more positive but I’m not in the mood. I just want to tell you I can relate to how hard all of this is on you.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi daylily,

      I definitely understand feeling like an intervention.

      My therapist always said not to judge myself but that has not been the case with this. I assume it’s because in cases like this they feel that we are on a path that will lead to us being harmed so they are putting their foots down.

      • daylily2011 says:

        Yes, I’m sure it is because they are looking out for our greater good when we don’t have the right perspective. It doesn’t make it any easier to change our behaviors. Good luck to you.

      • CimmarianInk says:

        Hi daylily,

        I know it doesn’t make it easier, especially when people just don’t get it. Good luck to you as well.

  3. Karen says:

    Oh God, I wish I could say something to help 😦 All I know is that I’m worried about you and I’m certain I speak for everyone you know here and in the ‘real world’ when I say that regardless of how this plays out your life is so important. The idea of hospital and a meeting between your shrink, therapist and husband sounds repellant, but your long-term health is the most important thing.

    Bah, I sound really preachy, sorry. I just want you to be okay. Please at least know that you’re cherished and loved as you are.

    (((safe hugs))) ❤ xxxxx

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi Karen,

      It wasn’t preachy. And I really appreciate the concern. I hate making people worry.

      Yes the whole meeting idea is repellent. Good word.

      It’s very difficult to balance the need to harm with the knowledge that other people in your life are affected by your actions.

      Thank you. You know the affection is mutual. 🙂

  4. undercoverdid says:

    First, I’ll say I ant you healthy…but I know for me, getting in “touch with feelings” completely turns off appetite to the point it makes me sick to eat. So you are in catch 22 it sounds. I feel for you and hope you can find a balance so that you don’t have to have this conference.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi undercoverdid,

      Isn’t it interesting how emotions can affect eating food? And yes getting in touch with feelings just sounds awful.

      It’s so much easier when other people know where you’re coming from, so thanks for that. 🙂

  5. Meagan says:

    Wow, I would have a really hard time with a therapist like that. I wouldn’t be able to just STOP. I know that when I was harming myself regularly, I KNEW it was wrong/messed up/etc, but it seemed impossible to just STOP. I also have an eating issue or two, though that’s never been discussed with a therapist. I would, again, have a really tough time FORCING myself to eat. It’s like there’s a switch in my mind sometimes that I just can’t flip. A switch that keeps me harming myself. A switch that either makes me eat hardly anything for days, or binge. Either way, I was never strong enough to just END my damaging behaviors. I’m still not that strong. It’s a daily struggle.

    Now, I will say that I don’t have all the details in your situation. I’m sure there’s a reason why your therapist is saying that if you don’t change your eating/self harm, you have to go to treatment. I am by no means trying to judge your therapist, or the way she’s dealing with you.

    Good luck to you. I hope things get better for you.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi Meagan,

      Yes you hit on some of the difficulty. I feel like I’m being told to just stop and that is ridiculous. I can’t just turn it off.

      I don’t think my therapist can get it because she’s never been through it herself. She’s never been able to understand self-injury anyway and it can be hard to make her get it.

      I understand daily struggles. It’s great that you keep trying. 🙂

  6. castorgirl says:

    Hi CI,

    I’m glad your T is taking this seriously… I’m glad you’re starting to see the consequences of your actions…

    Any change won’t be easy, but what she is asking you to do is often the first step in any ED treatment – refeeding. Until your body and brain has nourishment, you can’t function. Starvation effects your thinking, mood, body, soul, … everything. That is why the change in meds is also mentioned.

    I’ve heard loved ones of someone with an ED say that it’s like looking at someone they love through a glass wall as they slowly destroy themselves. It can be hard to comes to terms with that idea – from the person with the EDs perspective, as well as the support person. Thing is, our ED won’t magically disappear. It takes a lot of hard work and support over an extended time-frame… I’m really glad that you have people around you who care and can potentially be a support.

    Your T might not be able to totally understand what you’re going through… you may have to help her, and by helping her you may come to understand it all a little more yourself???

    Please take care,

  7. meredith says:

    Force is hard to swallow in any form. What a struggle…

    thinking of you.

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