Bucking The System

It doesn’t matter what my therapist says. I’m not ready to change my behaviors. Everything I read says that a person has to want to stop first. I don’t want to. It’s that simple.

Maybe this makes me a bad person. But I know that this isn’t about seeking attention. I don’t want an intervention. I don’t want more meds. The hospital doesn’t sound too bad but that’s not a goal. I just have no interest in stopping. I don’t know why, but I’m not ready.

All I know is that being told what to do by my therapist has made me very angry. I feel coerced and everything in me is fighting against her instructions. I feel like no one in my “real life” is listening when I say that this is too hard. My therapist says it’s my choice but I don’t feel like I have a choice. I really don’t. And I think that if I was actually ready then my outlook would be different. I have zero motivation to stop and I’m not saying that to sound stubborn because I don’t feel stubborn. I feel a combination of anger and helplessness.

The more people try to tell me to do this or that, the harder my mind fights to continue on my path. My husband asked me to do it for him. That was unfair because if I don’t, then the conclusion could be that I don’t love him but that is not remotely the case. It’s not about who I love, it’s about me being completely overwhelmed by this drive. It’s stronger than me right now and I seem content to be overwhelmed without fighting.

The side effect of these actions is that my uncle has been so completely destroyed in my mind that he seems like a fictional character. I’m serious. It’s like he’s not real anymore. My therapist nods when I say that because according to her that’s part of the point of what I’m doing. I don’t particularly care about the motives. I just know that I’m tired of people telling me I can do something that I can’t do. I’m tired of being bullied because it feels like bullying. What else is it when someone tells you to do A and if you don’t B or C will happen?

I’m done arguing with people about this. I have a feeling that my therapist will feel like she has to give me an ultimatum. If she does then so be it. I will end therapy before her sentence is out of her mouth. If she can’t deal with me, then she can’t.



About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Child Molestation, DID, Eating Disorder, Incest, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, self-harm, Self-injury, Sexual Abuse, suicidal ideation, Trauma and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

13 Responses to Bucking The System

  1. i hope she doesn’t and i hope that she can see that she needs to work at your pace and not hers

  2. Karen says:

    Although it’s a very different situation, this reminds me of me and smoking. I smoked for years, but as a new year’s resolution for 2007, I’d decided to quit. I really wanted to quit – and I was successful, with virtually no cravings, for four years.

    Anyway, I ended up back on the hideous things after those four years, and decreed as my 2012 resolution was to quit again. But my heart wasn’t in it like it was before. So it kind of failed.

    Purpose of that vignette: I sort of know where you are. Changing without wanting to change is a best difficult, at worst impossible. You’re in a horrible situation.

    I wish I could give you some advice or guidance, but I have no clue. I just wanted you to know that on some level, I ‘get’ it.

    We all love you and want the best for you, whatever happens.

    (((hugs))) and love, as always

    K ❤ xxxxx

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi Karen,

      It’s always to good to hear that people get something even if it’s not something they’ve personally dealt with, so I really appreciate it. I’ll have to see if my motivation changes or if my attitude changes. All I know is that it can’t be forced so hopefully my therapist can deal with that.

      ((hugs to you))

  3. castorgirl says:

    Hi CI,

    One thing to remember, is that your T is bound by ethical constraints, as well as caring about you. This means that if you are in physical danger, she is ethically required to act on that danger – you have described the physical danger that you are in, and it is serious. She also cares about you, so wants to act on that caring, that sense of helplessness regarding watching you continuing to hurt yourself… So, giving you a boundary which will detail her actions, makes sense. Your reaction against that boundary also makes total sense…

    Allison and I are/were in a similar situation, and it creates a huge tension. Parts of me rebel against *anyone* telling them what to do… Parts of me resent someone even seeing the actions that I’m doing, and the consequences of those actions… Part of me is desperate for it all to go away, and for me to be able hide from the world ~ be invisible…

    Remember what your T has said… she is asking you to work on this for the next few weeks. That tells me that she’s not expecting everything to change overnight. She’s also giving you that time, and not saying “change this tomorrow, or that’s it!”… I know it may feel as if she has said that – I know I did when Allison gave me a similar boundary. You may want to check with her exactly what she was meaning, and tell her what you took from what she said – as well as the consequences of those words…

    You say that your uncle has become like a fictional character… but, your emotional reaction to what he did is still there. Your pain is screaming out through your eating disorder…

    Please know that I’m not “siding” with your T, but trying to give another perspective on why she might be telling you to do this…

    Please take care,

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi CG,

      I don’t feel like you’re siding with her. 🙂

      Thank you for relating your experience with Allison. It was helpful to read that I’m not the only one who reacts like this. You’re right about the ethical part and I had actually forgotten all about that aspect. I needed to be reminded of her responsibilities so thank you for that too.

      I guess that I don’t see myself as being in danger. I feel like if they took another test, I bet everything would look normal. It could have been a fluke of that day.

      I am going to talk to therapist about how I feel about her instructions. We’ll see what she says.

      Part of me wishes that I could reconnect with my feelings about my uncle, but the part of me that has buried him and continues to wrestle with doubt is barely aware that anything has changed.

      I always appreciate the other points-of-view that you bring. 🙂

  4. Freasha1964 says:

    Hi CI,
    I am so sorry this is tormenting you. I am always in favor of you telling your therapist when you are angry with her, or have any other issue with her. She seems to be able to handle it and it is a very important ingredient in her ability to help you.
    My therapist recently told me that addictions are serving some need that seems unreachable by any other means. I know you aren’t addicted to anything except, one could argue, not eating. Do you think that this strong pull on you could be serving some need that hasn’t been met? You mentioned how your uncle went away under all this. That would sure be a met need in my book.
    Whatever it is, it is. I am worried about you, too. I totally understand that it is beyond your control and that you aren’t seeking attention. I have been through times when I wished I could just go *poof*, and disappear. I couldn’t run away from myself I found in the end. I hope that all your blog friends, put together, can help you see what is going on enough to make a step forward.
    I do sure appreciate how forthright and honest you have been about this morass you are slogging through. That takes some courage.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi Freasha,

      Morass is a good word. And you’re right about needing to tell my therapist how I feel about what we talked about. I’ve actually found the comments from all of you helpful in seeing the possibility that I’m trying avoid more than I thought previously.

      I would agree that eating issues can be addictions too.

      I’m sorry that you’ve felt the desire to go away. I know that the world is a better place with you in it. 🙂

  5. Hi CI,

    *thinking maybe we should run away & hide together* I don’t want to deal with my food/eating issues either. I am really, really, really beginning to regret opening up about it to my T this week! I know we’re at the extreme opposite ends of the spectrum and I’m not entirely sure of how much overlapping there is in our conditions -seems like quite a lot actually.

    My psychiatrist was discussing my weight issue yesterday. She mentioned referring me to a nutritionist, which she knows I can’t afford so she did not, and asked that I research nutrition stuff online. This makes me want to scream and smack people! Just because I’m morbidly obese does not mean I don’t know anything about healthy eating and exercise. I cried on my way home because I was feeling judged for being fat and apparently nutritionally stupid (even though I’m sure my psychiatrist didn’t mean to make me feel badly).

    It makes me so angry and annoyed to talk about weight! Because people don’t seem to get it… IT IS NOT ABOUT THE FOOD OR WEIGHT!

    Like others have mentioned these food/eating issues definitely have a lot to do with other stuff -stuff that has some thin thread that attaches to food/eating. I can’t think about trying to lose weight (or be healthy, which in my mind is the same as saying lose weight) without becoming so anxious I feel like I can’t breathe. The emotional pain and discomfort and fear and anxiety I feel when I’m trying to be healthy is exponentially greater than the fat body, self-loathing, eventual health problems and death caused by my being morbidly obese.

    I don’t know how things will go next week with my T. He says we’ll talk about compulsions -since I compulsively eat. I don’t know if I want to deal with it. It is definitely easier not to and just eat my cheeseburgers and cookies!! I’m scared. …um, so let me know when you want me to pick you up so we can run away and hide together!

    Take care!

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi rl,

      Yea, we definitely need to get out of here. I’ll look at brochures for isolated islands away from therapy. 😉

      I agree with you about the similarities in our situation. It’s not about the food. I’m so sorry about your therapist making you feel bad! It’s not as easy as reading up on nutrition and it’s ridiculous to think that someone in emotional pain would be able to just read about healthy eating and poof! problem over.

      I have this feeling that part of the process of changing disordered eating is believing that we are worth the change. I think we have to believe that we deserve being healthy. If a person is dealing with past abuse, that can be a really hard concept to accept because the abuse taught us the opposite. I don’t think that’s the whole fix but I bet it’s part of it.

  6. meredith says:

    I don’t understand why the medical community does not recognize this experience as part of the healing process and regroup. CI, you are so normal in this expression, and I know everyone is going to say, “omg… that is so wrong to affirm because x, y, z” but we all struggle with figuring out harm, and our wound surface in very consistent ways. Who of us doesn’t shut down when we’re so overwhelmed by the idea of what’s happened to us that we don’t want to eat, or talk, or argue?

    I think whatever helps you to find a sense of rest is what matters most. Most animals can’t eat when they’ve been struck down. They have to rest. And that’s really true. Everybody wants to intervene, but if you need to be left alone to choose your way about this,then do it wisely; make sure you give someone (whose sense of balance you trust) a way to help you keep your eye on the prize–feeling better. Sometimes control becomes a slippery snake that twists our way of thinking. And trust is a good friend to cultivate in measures, as you go.

    People love you a lot.
    I do.
    I hope you find some ease.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi meredith,

      I really appreciated the way you said this. My therapist realized a couple of weeks ago that her approach needed to change. I will blog about what’s happened either today or tomorrow.

      Thank you for the compassion. Love you right back.

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