It doesn’t matter what my therapist says. I’m not ready to change my behaviors. Everything I read says that a person has to want to stop first. I don’t want to. It’s that simple.
Maybe this makes me a bad person. But I know that this isn’t about seeking attention. I don’t want an intervention. I don’t want more meds. The hospital doesn’t sound too bad but that’s not a goal. I just have no interest in stopping. I don’t know why, but I’m not ready.
All I know is that being told what to do by my therapist has made me very angry. I feel coerced and everything in me is fighting against her instructions. I feel like no one in my “real life” is listening when I say that this is too hard. My therapist says it’s my choice but I don’t feel like I have a choice. I really don’t. And I think that if I was actually ready then my outlook would be different. I have zero motivation to stop and I’m not saying that to sound stubborn because I don’t feel stubborn. I feel a combination of anger and helplessness.
The more people try to tell me to do this or that, the harder my mind fights to continue on my path. My husband asked me to do it for him. That was unfair because if I don’t, then the conclusion could be that I don’t love him but that is not remotely the case. It’s not about who I love, it’s about me being completely overwhelmed by this drive. It’s stronger than me right now and I seem content to be overwhelmed without fighting.
The side effect of these actions is that my uncle has been so completely destroyed in my mind that he seems like a fictional character. I’m serious. It’s like he’s not real anymore. My therapist nods when I say that because according to her that’s part of the point of what I’m doing. I don’t particularly care about the motives. I just know that I’m tired of people telling me I can do something that I can’t do. I’m tired of being bullied because it feels like bullying. What else is it when someone tells you to do A and if you don’t B or C will happen?
I’m done arguing with people about this. I have a feeling that my therapist will feel like she has to give me an ultimatum. If she does then so be it. I will end therapy before her sentence is out of her mouth. If she can’t deal with me, then she can’t.