I’m just realizing how much addiction stays with you.
I’m recovering from an eating disorder but it’s not gone the way I thought it was. Yes the all-consuming compulsion is gone but there are whispers now that haunt me when I’m stressed or anxious. They tell me how easy it would be to starve again, and they’re right, it would be.
I wasn’t expecting the possibility of relapse but maybe I should have.
I fight the suggestion everyday but it feels like an easy path that will remain available to me to slide onto when the going gets rough.
It’s a little too easy and it makes me nervous. The scale has crept up to an alarming number after two weekends of indulgent celebration and too much sitting for various events.
The addiction is ready to come forward if the numbers don’t drop to something we can handle so I can only hope the situation is temporary so things can calm down.
I will try to eat normally but cleanly and to get up and move just to give my body some kind of activity. I really don’t want to go backwards.