My weight has risen to a point that I cannot accept. I’ve waited a couple of days but it hasn’t dropped and my anxiety is rising along with the numbers. I weighed myself this morning with so much hope that I would have dropped at least a little so that I wouldn’t relapse but to my ever-mounting frustration I had gone up another pound.
I decided that I would restrict today, eating as little as possible which is of course going backwards but I’m not equipped with the knowledge of how to handle this weight gain.
I read about people recovering from anorexia experiencing edema in their tissues and other areas but I have no way of knowing if that’s what’s happening.
I’m almost back to the weight I was at when this started and that knowledge is crushing my heart. I’m sitting here (after trying a little exercise but my eating disorder mega stamina has disappeared so I could only do a little) and I just want to cry.
Going backwards will not help me but I have no guidance in what to do or what to expect. I didn’t get any recovery help because the person who was supposed to be an expert on ED’s (my therapist) would have to charge me more if I come in with some sort of crisis or whatever.
All sorts of violent images flashed in my head when I saw the number on the scale this morning and I have no idea what to do to get some control over this situation. I cannot, CANNOT let this situation get out of control! I can’t! But I’m also at a loss on what to do.
My body is so messed up right now that nothing is working right but I also can’t stand the gain. Going back won’t help but going forward is unacceptable.