Today is…not too good

My weight has risen to a point that I cannot accept. I’ve waited a couple of days but it hasn’t dropped and my anxiety is rising along with the numbers. I weighed myself this morning with so much hope that I would have dropped at least a little so that I wouldn’t relapse but to my ever-mounting frustration I had gone up another pound.

I decided that I would restrict today, eating as little as possible which is of course going backwards but I’m not equipped with the knowledge of how to handle this weight gain.

I read about people recovering from anorexia experiencing edema in their tissues and other areas but I have no way of knowing if that’s what’s happening.

I’m almost back to the weight I was at when this started and that knowledge is crushing my heart. I’m sitting here (after trying a little exercise but my eating disorder mega stamina has disappeared so I could only do a little) and I just want to cry.

Going backwards will not help me but I have no guidance in what to do or what to expect. I didn’t get any recovery help because the person who was supposed to be an expert on ED’s (my therapist) would have to charge me more if I come in with some sort of crisis or whatever.

All sorts of violent images flashed in my head when I saw the number on the scale this morning and I have no idea what to do to get some control over this situation. I cannot, CANNOT let this situation get out of control! I can’t! But I’m also at a loss on what to do.

My body is so messed up right now that nothing is working right but I also can’t stand the gain. Going back won’t help but going forward is unacceptable.


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in DID, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Eating Disorder, Incest, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, self-harm, Self-injury, Sexual Abuse, Therapy, Trauma and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Today is…not too good

  1. Breathe! Remember you are a wonderful person no matter what the number on the scale reads. You know I’m on the opposite end of things weight-wise. But I know whenever overweight folks are watching what they eat and trying to lose weight, we’re told if we have a day where we “slip up” and overeat that it’s not the end of everything. Just start fresh tomorrow. Regarding restricting your food intake and exercising today, maybe you can look at that in a similar way. It doesn’t have to mean you are relapsing or going backward! You’re just having a bit of anxiety and a little bump in the road. Give yourself a little wiggle room. If you restrict your food intake the next day or two -just to ease the anxiety a bit- use that time to do some research online about what to expect as your body acclimates itself to healthier eating and less strenuous exercise. Remember to take into consideration your time of the month too. Our cycles get out of whack with excess weight or not enough weight, so you might be experiencing something new with that too as your weight is changing. I know I don’t know anything really about eating disorders or treatment, but I hope I maybe said something that was helpful. If nothing else, know you have someone listening and caring and taking your fears and worries very seriously! – rl

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi rl,

      Thanks. Breathing is hard right now. I think you’re right about the need to not think one has completely fallen off the wagon if there’s a misstep. And yes, it doesn’t matter if the person is underweight or over, the principles are similar.

      Thank you for listening RL, that meant a lot. 🙂

  2. castorgirl says:

    Hi CI,

    I’m sorry you’re struggling at the moment… I also agree that you need to take a deep breath and look forward to tomorrow as another new day…

    This might seem too much to think of, but is there something happening at the moment that is ramping up your anxiety? Remember that ED stuff can be a way to cope with stress, and distract from things… That may not be the case, but it might be something to be aware of?

    Sending lots of positive thoughts your way,

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