Frightening Familiarity

It’s scary how comfortable addictions can be.

I restricted my calories for a just a few days and exercised briefly like I did when my eating disorder was in full force and it’s frightening how much it felt like getting into a warm bath; it was very comfortable and all too easy.

I can see that my thoughts are already beginning to reason on things the way they did when this all started. It’s so easy. It’s soothing even.

It doesn’t help that I was “rewarded” with weight loss. But the anxiety from being overweight so soon after losing so much was unbearable.

I don’t know how to lose weight and keep calm without falling back into old behaviors. If my weight could just stay at a place I could breathe through then I could hold out until my body recovers from the ED.

I also have no desire to distract myself from my goal of remembering…if there is anything to remember. When my ED was raging, that part of me shutdown and I don’t want that.

Maybe I need to explore if there is something else at work here. Several bad things have happened to people I know and it’s possible I’ve been triggered without realizing it.

Maybe I will write about those events soon.

About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Child Molestation, DID, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Eating Disorder, Incest, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, self-harm, Self-injury, Trauma and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Frightening Familiarity

  1. Pingback: This Week in Mentalists – Ed Balls Ed Balls Hyundai Ed Balls Edition | The World of Mentalists

  2. castorgirl says:

    Hi CI,

    Please go gently, and try to step back from the behaviours, thoughts and feelings… What’s driving the need for the ED? Recovery is a tough job…

    Write about those events if they will help…

    Please take care,

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi CG,

      I’ll try to look at what’s going on. It’s so annoying that my therapist’s new billing policy means I would be charged more for discussing this with her.

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