It’s scary how comfortable addictions can be.
I restricted my calories for a just a few days and exercised briefly like I did when my eating disorder was in full force and it’s frightening how much it felt like getting into a warm bath; it was very comfortable and all too easy.
I can see that my thoughts are already beginning to reason on things the way they did when this all started. It’s so easy. It’s soothing even.
It doesn’t help that I was “rewarded” with weight loss. But the anxiety from being overweight so soon after losing so much was unbearable.
I don’t know how to lose weight and keep calm without falling back into old behaviors. If my weight could just stay at a place I could breathe through then I could hold out until my body recovers from the ED.
I also have no desire to distract myself from my goal of remembering…if there is anything to remember. When my ED was raging, that part of me shutdown and I don’t want that.
Maybe I need to explore if there is something else at work here. Several bad things have happened to people I know and it’s possible I’ve been triggered without realizing it.
Maybe I will write about those events soon.