I’ll Talk About It, But I’m Not Talking About It

This is more a quick post so that I put down in writing what may have triggered me a few weeks ago but I’m not going into too much detail for my own reasons.

There was a teenager I was trying to reach out to. I had an inkling that something was off in her household and I wanted to offer to be a friend for her. I ended up being right but I was also very triggered by our conversation. There are adults aware of the situation including the teen’s mother and I plan on making sure that the other adult and I have a conversation about what’s going on. I’ve been waiting to hear back from the teenager but even though we’ve been around each other a couple of times, she hasn’t told me what I was waiting to hear.

For my own conscience I will have to follow-up with the adult I feel is in a better position to help her but I also realized afterwards that I can’t put myself in the position of being responsible for her. I can only say what I think needs to be done but there were things the teen needed to do for me to help her and she hasn’t done that yet. Of course I get that she’s not quite an adult yet so that’s where the adult that’s closer to her comes in. Hopefully her parent will get on board as well and I’ve also suggested therapy, medical help and police involvement.

I think once you’ve done everything you can, you have to know your limits. It’s difficult because of all the stories I’ve heard where adults didn’t help the victim and I don’t want to be that person but I also don’t have super powers to change things or make people do what they need to do.

I felt one of the most important things I could do was to tell her I believed her and to listen to her story. I did those things and gave her my thoughts on the situation. There are things that are out of my control and I have to be careful since I was highly triggered. I don’t have the mental or emotional stamina to be someone’s anchor or rock in my real life in a situation like this where I see these people all the time. But I will do what I can to get resources in on what’s going on.

When speaking to my therapist about this I became very emotional… in my own way that is. When that happens, I don’t cry. I get quite calm and analytical, almost detached and I state that I am feeling a certain way almost as if I’m observing some strange specimen. My therapist wanted me to stay with the feelings but I couldn’t identify exactly why I had been triggered by discussing it with her. It was one of those times when my therapist honed in on the heart of the matter with scary precision.

She asked me if I’d had anyone to talk to when I was that age. I shook my head…maybe I got out a “No” before the tears came. I hadn’t realized that the emotions ran that deep. I felt selfish for crying about myself but there it is.

I’ve also noticed that as I wrote this post, I repeatedly stated that I was going to do what I could to help and I think it’s because I’m afraid that you guys will blame me or think I’m not doing enough or worse…that I’m like all the adults who didn’t help us.

So much for a short post.

About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in dissociative identity disorder. Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to I’ll Talk About It, But I’m Not Talking About It

  1. Natalya says:

    Sounds like you did as much as you could under the circumstances. Try not to be too hard on yourself. I think it was good you did what you did since it triggered stuff in you.

  2. Karen says:

    As far as I can see, you’ve been remarkable in this situation. You’ve acknowledged your own limits as far as triggering goes, but you’ve also offered this teen a safe place to explain her problems. As someone who’s been on the side of “this happened, but no one realised/cared”, I promise that even your belief in her is likely to be a very big deal.

    And you’re the polar opposite of the adults that oppressed you (and this girl). Yeah, you’re not running to the cops – but would she thank you if you did? In a perfect world (in which rape, CSA, etc didn’t exist anyway, but you know what I mean), then sure – that’d make sense. But it’s never that simple for victims/survivors. I’m typified with bias, but it wouldn’t work for me. What would have done so is exactly what you’re doing: offer the person a safe place to speak; a place where she feels accepted, believed, where she can in some form lessen her tension.

    Don’t underestimate how big a deal that is, CI. You’re doing well, my friend. The fact that it triggers you badly just shows how awful these things are. Whilst I’m sure your friend finds it tragic that this happens to you, I’d wager that on some level it helps her to know that trauma is an entirely normal response to the crap you’ve both been forced through 😦

    tl;dr version: your support and ability to emphasise should be of massive support to her.

    Safe hugs and love, as always, if that’s OK.

    Take care

    Karen ❤ xxxxx

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi Karen,

      Your thoughts mean a lot. Thanks for that. I didn’t share my own experience with her because I don’t really have one, but I told her about what I’ve read and helped her to define it.

      I hope believing and listening helped. I talked about going to the police and she wasn’t ready to so I couldn’t make her. I just want her to get help. We’ll see what happens.

      Thanks again, really. 🙂

  3. Freasha1964 says:

    Oh, CI, you have done volumes more than most others did and I am so proud of you.

    Of course you deserve to be sad for yourself that no one stepped up for you! That was unfair. Very very unfair.

    I get into these situations from time to time. I suspect that a man that has been driving me bonkers at the studio I like (used to until he showed up) to work in has had some huge trauma in his life. But it is not my responsibility to help him in this context. And in any context at all, I don’t have the expertise.

    Put on your oxygen mask first. Don’t jump in to save someone from drowning if you can’t swim, no matter how much you wish you could.

    But you have done what you could and that is enough. You pass my test. You have helped plenty. Thank you!!

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi Freasha,

      Thanks. 🙂 Good analogy about helping yourself first. And yes it’s very difficult when you want to do more but either it isn’t safe or you’re just not qualified.

  4. kat says:

    i too feel the same way–that if i have a chance to help, a chance to be there, i dont want to be that adult who turned away and did nothing either. and you are so so right about knowing what you can and cant do, so you know what you can really offer. i think it would be a much better world if everyone tried to help those they come across in life who have need. i think what youre doing is awesome!

  5. castorgirl says:

    Hi CI,

    You have done one of the most valuable things ever… believed someone. That’s a gift… a huge gift… nothing to be minimised, or ignored… It speaks volumes of your awareness and courage… That you were able to show someone that attention while being triggered yourself… yup, courage… Even better, you were able to identify your limits surrounding what you could do, and what you were emotionally capable of doing. That’s taking care of you, too…

    Please, go easy on yourself… This would have stirred up so much for you, and you need to keep taking care of yourself…

    Take care,

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi CG,

      Thank you. 🙂 I think we all feel that responsibility more than the average person probably. I have since found out that the situation in the home has been reported to the parent and dealt with and as for the other, the person does not want to go to the authorities and I can’t and wouldn’t force that so I’ve done what I could.

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