Head For The Hills!!!

I think that this is what my head has done.

To start my last therapy session I told my therapist that I felt a need to have a “serious” discussion but I didn’t know how to start it or what to say. I had been reading the book I’ve been referring to and continuing to take hard looks at my psyche and questioning myself.

One part of the chapter about memory brought up the idea of a person creating a narrative in order to please a therapist who has suggested that abuse happened. I brought this concept up her and her response made me laugh. She said, “Well you’ve done a terrible job of that then haven’t you? You have no details and no story. You have the same two images repeating over and over and that’s it.”

Well…yea I admit I haven’t “come up” with much if I was trying subconsciously to please her but I think I needed to throw out another obstacle for myself. She also brought up her history with me of going on 12 years of being my therapist.

We got the serious part of the conversation in which I talked about my inability to believe that the flashes I see and their accompanying emotions are actually based in reality. I was having a hard time because I was feeling fear every time a flash happened. The images aren’t threatening in themselves; just a room and a narrow hallway. When I see them I automatically associate it with  my uncle for some reason.

I feel fear. My body tenses up…my stomach…and I get scared of what else I might see. The flashes are so fast though that I couldn’t reconstruct the picture to describe it to anyone.

For some reason I can’t quite remember everything my therapist said during that last session but whatever it was…it had something to do with who I am as a person in every circumstance in my life. The fact that I make it a practice not to lie. It is literally only in this one area that choose to believe things about myself that are not true. I am not a liar. I engage in fantasy but I always know what’s true and what isn’t and my fantasy is all about escape. I do not indulge in therapy for attention and I only talk about painful subjects when I have to. I get no pleasure out of it and do not seek attention from anyone.

So why do I have such a hard time believing these images and feelings? My therapist asked me to consider what it would mean if I did believe and my mind felt the fear for a split second and immediately recoiled from the idea. I understood what it would mean on a very small scale for a very brief moment.

On my way home I gave serious thought to our conversation. I felt like a turning point had been reached for me. And then the flashes stopped. They were just gone.

I could theorize that once I was ready to believe it, my mind decided that it didn’t want me to believe a lie but my gut…my gut says that the retreat into the hills is because of fear not lies. I could wrong about myself…so very wrong that it would rock the foundation of who I believe I am but if I am not a liar then what I feel is based on something real.

But I don’t know how to get my mind back. I don’t know how to get the images back. I’m hoping that I’m patient they will come back on their own but I don’t know. It’s very frustrating to feel like you’re on the precipice of something only to have the edge move away from you to a distance you can’t even see.


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Child Molestation, DID, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Sexual Abuse, Trauma and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to Head For The Hills!!!

  1. I wish I had something helpful to say, but all I can say is…I get it. I can totally relate to what you wrote here. Reading it made me feel less alone in the world. Of course, I know that doesn’t answer your questions, but if it helps that same thing happens to me sometimes….just when I decide I will be brave and face my fears…my mind leaves me. Frustrating.

  2. meredith says:

    Been we’re you to read every logical book you could get your hands on could you let yourself believe you were harmed? It’s like a million dollar dilemma because CSA carries so much stigma with it. Think it’s wonderful that you read and think, question, and it’s good not to accept every
    aspect of information that comes from within, because children have a hard time articulating info
    in a clear way. Your emotional responses, though,, don’t lie.

    Something traumatic happened or you wouldn’t spend so much focus on it. You have lots of other things to use your mind for…. so maybe you might want to set the reading aside and invite the memory to return once you find a safe way to hold it in your mind without prosecution. In some ways, arguing whatever reality you face reinforces the wrong ways your family dealt with the information the first time around. It’s up to you to break the cycle if you want to work workout the confusion.

    Adults are master refuters when it comes to this kind of thing, and they taught you not only to doubt yourself but but also to persecute yourself. You do it with knowledge, but it has the same affect as not eating, or cutting, or any other type of self harm. I really don’t think your goal is to destroy a child’s need to be heard by outstanding them, but it might feel that way to your inner guide when you do have memories surface.

    Maybe. It’s just a thought shared from my files of storm chasing, so to speak. 😉 Be well.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi Meredith,

      You made a really good point that I had not thought of…me being like an adult who’s not believing the child. Wow! I had to let that one sink in so thank you.

      It’s very hard to turn off the constant questioning and find a balance between being open but not just accepting everything which wouldn’t be true to myself either.

      You gave me something to think about.

  3. meredith says:

    Message from tablets never make sense. Sorry.

  4. strangelings says:

    Something my therapist of nine years (just retired) said that made an immense amount of sense to me (she specialized in severe trauma and dissociative disorders) was that- people who didn’t have *something* happen to them, just don’t wonder about these things. It doesn’t *occur* to them to wonder if they were abused- it’s not in their radar. And that honestly seems to be really true.
    Another thing, from the intellectual side of things- in Lenore Terr’s “Unchained Memories”, she makes the extremely valid point that- only *actual* trauma causes symptoms. In fact, children who’ve had trauma in infancy or before age 2 may not directly remember it, but will often repeat it in their play over and over- *even if no one who is around them knows that it happened*. Because on *some* level, they do remember.

    When I first started remembering things, or when very very difficult things come up, I allow myself to take an “as if” attitude- considering the idea like a hypothesis, so I’m neither denying it or having to completely accept it.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi strangelings,

      Wow, I really appreciate the thoughts you posted. I hadn’t thought of what the “average” person does…someone who wasn’t abused in some way.

      I always find it helpful to have a comparison because I can hold up my behavior or thoughts against something else. It feels like I’m flying blind at times.

      I also like the “as if” attitude you talk about because it’s not judgemental. It’s really difficult for me to adopt that stance but I wish I could. My therapist has told me to find a mantra I can repeat when these things happen so I can take them in without judgement. Also hard but I’m working on being more open-minded without compromising my nature.

      You’ve given me some things to think about.

  5. castorgirl says:

    Hi CI,

    The fear of it all being real is HUGE for so many… I struggle with it constantly…

    Please go gently…

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi CG,

      I can see why. It seems like it would be terrifying though I’m rather divorced from my feelings about it at the moment. I’m trying to be patient. Some images have come back but sporadically. I’m hoping whatever I need to know is in there somewhere.

      Do you find that you want to know or not really?

      • castorgirl says:

        I’m not sure how to describe it. At times I need to know, and it does me in that I don’t… At times, I’m so convinced it didn’t happen, that I don’t think there’s anything to know… When this second scenario is happening, I’m deep in Denial Land and ignoring/forgetting/dismissing all of the constant memories of abuse that I’ve had, as well as all the consequences of that abuse that I live with daily.

        Dissociation is a mechanism to aid in the forgetting, or more accurately, compartmentalisation of the memories… So, it’s basically dissociation doing it’s job, and not realising that things have changed…

        Take care,

      • CimmarianInk says:

        Hi CG,

        I really appreciate you sharing your experience with me. I totally get the “does me in” feeling 😦

        Take care of you too CG.

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