I think that this is what my head has done.
To start my last therapy session I told my therapist that I felt a need to have a “serious” discussion but I didn’t know how to start it or what to say. I had been reading the book I’ve been referring to and continuing to take hard looks at my psyche and questioning myself.
One part of the chapter about memory brought up the idea of a person creating a narrative in order to please a therapist who has suggested that abuse happened. I brought this concept up her and her response made me laugh. She said, “Well you’ve done a terrible job of that then haven’t you? You have no details and no story. You have the same two images repeating over and over and that’s it.”
Well…yea I admit I haven’t “come up” with much if I was trying subconsciously to please her but I think I needed to throw out another obstacle for myself. She also brought up her history with me of going on 12 years of being my therapist.
We got the serious part of the conversation in which I talked about my inability to believe that the flashes I see and their accompanying emotions are actually based in reality. I was having a hard time because I was feeling fear every time a flash happened. The images aren’t threatening in themselves; just a room and a narrow hallway. When I see them I automatically associate it with my uncle for some reason.
I feel fear. My body tenses up…my stomach…and I get scared of what else I might see. The flashes are so fast though that I couldn’t reconstruct the picture to describe it to anyone.
For some reason I can’t quite remember everything my therapist said during that last session but whatever it was…it had something to do with who I am as a person in every circumstance in my life. The fact that I make it a practice not to lie. It is literally only in this one area that choose to believe things about myself that are not true. I am not a liar. I engage in fantasy but I always know what’s true and what isn’t and my fantasy is all about escape. I do not indulge in therapy for attention and I only talk about painful subjects when I have to. I get no pleasure out of it and do not seek attention from anyone.
So why do I have such a hard time believing these images and feelings? My therapist asked me to consider what it would mean if I did believe and my mind felt the fear for a split second and immediately recoiled from the idea. I understood what it would mean on a very small scale for a very brief moment.
On my way home I gave serious thought to our conversation. I felt like a turning point had been reached for me. And then the flashes stopped. They were just gone.
I could theorize that once I was ready to believe it, my mind decided that it didn’t want me to believe a lie but my gut…my gut says that the retreat into the hills is because of fear not lies. I could wrong about myself…so very wrong that it would rock the foundation of who I believe I am but if I am not a liar then what I feel is based on something real.
But I don’t know how to get my mind back. I don’t know how to get the images back. I’m hoping that I’m patient they will come back on their own but I don’t know. It’s very frustrating to feel like you’re on the precipice of something only to have the edge move away from you to a distance you can’t even see.