Let me tell you a story…


This story was rattling around my head a few days ago and I’d like to tell it because…well I want to. To me it’s a prime example of how dysfunctional things around me were.

We were at religious services, and that’s a really important part of this story for reasons that will become clear.

We had picked up a older gentleman my parents knew to give him a ride and he sat with us. I dress appropriately at religious services out of respect for why I’m there…knee length or longer skirts or dresses, no low-cut tops etc. And yes I have a reason for saying this. During the service I crossed my legs in my modest outfit. The man was sitting next to me and he was shifting in his seat. My mother (who was sitting on my other side so she couldn’t see anything) then proceeded to lean over and tell me to stop crossing my legs because I was giving the man an erection.

Yep, that happened.

I remember that I froze in absolute horror and I’m pretty sure that I’ve never been more uncomfortable in my life. I became so still, I don’t think I moved for the next hour. I barely breathed because I was so horrified.

I don’t know why I wanted to tell this story but there it is. Maybe it’s because I think my mother is disgusting or maybe it’s because I wonder why, as an adult I get obsessed about my ability to give random men erections. I’ve written about that before…the way that I will see a man and wonder if I can arouse him. It bothers me. I don’t know if it started during this instance or not but it’s something that I don’t understand.

Well now that I’ve made everyone uncomfortable…

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About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in dissociative identity disorder. Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to Let me tell you a story…

  1. Broken Girl says:

    CI, I’m curious about how old you were when this happened. I’m assuming young, like elementary school age, but you didn’t specify and I think that would help with the context. I think this is an interesting connection for you to make. Did this just pop into your head recently?

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi Broken Girl,

      Sorry I should have said that I was a teenager when this happened.

      • Broken Girl says:

        Ah, ok. First of all, what a horrifying and uncomfortable situation to be in. Secondly, I’m curious whether your response to your mom’s comment felt at all like being triggered. I’m wondering if your discomfort was simply because your mom said something really disgusting and inappropriate or if you were triggered by something like feeling like she was blaming you/making you responsible for the sexual responses of an older man. I could be reading too much into it, but it sounds like you were having a freeze response to what you perceived as a threat (even though you might not have thought this particular man was going to harm you). Again, I may be reading too much into it and I’m tired so I apologize if it doesn’t make sense…

        As far as your obsession with whether or not you can give random men erections, I think that’s about control (over men, sexual situations, etc.). What are your thoughts?

      • CimmarianInk says:

        Hi Broken Girl,

        You ask interesting questions. I definitely felt like my mother was blaming me for whatever may or may not have actually been happening. Her tone in of itself was harsh like I was doing it on purpose. She had told me I was like a whore even as a child so this wouldn’t have been a new concept.

        As for my response and what drove it? I honestly don’t know. The whole situation was so creepy, I’m not sure how I felt at the time. I wasn’t aware of my uncle on a conscious level at this time in my life so I don’t know that this instance with the man and my mother would have connected with that.

        Like I said, interesting questions. It’s one of the reasons that I appreciate all of you who read this blog. The questions and comments and points of view are really helpful. 🙂

  2. Hi CI, good heavens that man was a pervert!! He should have never said anything to you no matter what you were wearing or doing! If he couldn’t control himself in church and pay attention to the sermon that was his problem. I can definitely see how this might lead to have a lifelong obsession about arousing men (on the other hand, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be seen as arousal worthy… only if it causes you angst). I’m sorry that happened to you. ~ rl

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi RL,
      Actually it was my mother who said it. I’m not sure why she thought he was… excited. She was on my left and he was on my right with me in between them. It always struck me as scary.

      • Ugh… I’m sorry. I misread what you wrote. (I’m catching up on sleep… but still a little sleepy ditsy!) Obviously, still very inappropriate. And, definitely confusing as to why she thought he was aroused! It’s understandable that it was a scary place to be between the two of them -very unsafe, scary place to be. Even if the man was doing nothing wrong, your mom turned it into a bad situation. 😦

      • CimmarianInk says:

        No worries hun 🙂 And yes it did turn out to feel unsafe and not cool at all. My mother has a way of reading into situations and making them gross. Even if she was right there was a different way to handle it. She could have had my stepfather switch places with me or something.

  3. kat says:

    you did nothing inappropriate at all. as you said, you were dressed modestly. and, crossing your legs is NOT immodest. if the man next to you was aroused, that is him and his response. you did NOT make him have an erection. you were not being a tease or doing anything to cause it. just because your mother said that to you does not make it your responsibility. you are not dirty or naughty.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi kat,

      Thanks for that. My mother had a way of making situations even more uncomfortable than they would be already. I don’t know if she was right but remembering that gives me the creeps. Yuck.

  4. Daylily says:

    I understand how a woman’s mother/daughter and male/female dynamics can be confusing.

    Being a woman and trying to discover our identity is hard enough without having our mothers and male figures along the way screw us up. My suggestion…Look at each interaction and recognize how you felt — what was right and what wasn’t. Situations are not your fault. You are perfect and did not bring out the worst in others. That is them – not you and not your mother’s perception.

    {{ HUGS }} Fern

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi Fern,

      Thank you. It can be hard to challenge what we are taught by our parents or other adults when we’re still trying to figure out who we are. ((hugs))

  5. castorgirl says:

    Hi CI,

    This is a really “interesting” snippet of your life, that says so much about the different messages and abusive situations you were subjected to. Your mothers dysfunctional thinking, inappropriate comment, and attitude are incredible… Great way to blame, shame, and humiliate you for something that you’re not even aware of – or, if it was even real… I wonder if there was more than a hint of jealousy and resentment towards you within her actions??

    As for your thoughts about arousing men… I’ve heard that this is fairly common amongst CSA survivors… if we’re exposed to inappropriate contact at a young age, and we’re not sure how it started, or whether we “caused” the abuse to happen through something we did; we can wonder if it can happen with anyone… Well, that’s one theory I’ve heard, I’m not sure if it’s true…

    Take care,
    CG

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi CG,

      Jealousy and resentment were very common themes in my relationship with my mother, so yea that’s possible.

      And yes, who knows if she was even right st all.

      The blaming was also common.

      Interesting about the whole arousing men thing. I can see how a survivor of CSA could feel that way. Makes sense.

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