Old Grief Resurfaces

Sometimes you think you’ve gotten over something… you’ve grieved it and it’s over. Then you get smacked in the face with something that takes you back to an unhappy place.

I was at the pharmacy today waiting for my medication (I injured my foot and am currently sporting a brace, but that’s another story).

While I sat an older woman came to stand in line and in her arms was the most beautiful baby I have ever seen.

When I say that he was beautiful you need to understand that something about him pulled at everything in me that had wanted to be a mother, but on a soul deep level. For those of you who don’t know, I wanted to have a child. Years ago I went through what had to be the some of the worst emotional pain I’ve ever felt because I felt that for me having bipolar disorder meant that I couldn’t be the kind of parent I wanted to be…the parent my child deserved. This was a personal choice because I was very unstable. I actually tried to stop my meds to get pregnant but I declined too fast and it didn’t happen.

I spent a lot of time crying until I couldn’t breathe. Eventually the feeling passed and I felt at peace with not having a child. That was a good thing because within a couple of years I had to have a hysterectomy.

Today, I looked into this baby’s eyes and felt myself respond to him. His eyes were the most beautiful dark, dark brown. And he responded to me too. He stared at me and I talked to him. When I talked to him he watched me closely and then he smiled at me! A big, big toothless grin and his eyes were dancing. Then he laughed!

The older woman told me he was her foster son and told me a bit about the baby and his siblings. I told her how wonderful it was that she had taken them all in. I thought I was fine. I enjoyed the interaction.

Hours later at home the baby’s face popped into my mind and I started crying. I wanted him. I had wanted to hold him so much and take care of him. I was completely blindsided by the sadness.

So sometimes the thing you thought you grieved comes back and it still hurts and you have to grieve again.


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Mental Health. Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Old Grief Resurfaces

  1. kat says:

    yes they sure do come back sometimes. not fair at all. so sorry for you hurt.

  2. *gentle safe hugs* I’m so sorry. I know the pain of deciding not to have a child because of mental illness. But what a beautiful interaction between you and the baby. Knowing he’s in foster care, he must’ve come from an unstable or abusive environment. How wonderful and healing for him to feel your adoration and attachment to him -even if it was just a brief encounter. Take special care of yourself as you grieve and feel this sadness. -rl

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi rl,

      I know that you are very much in touch with this situation. I thought of you yesterday rl.

      I’m hoping that this was a reaction to specific child and a repeat of the past. I really wished that I had been well enough to adopt. I seriously considered it but I knew my mental health would make me less than ideal and I still would not have made a good parent.

      Strangely I am often told by people, even strangers that I would be a great mother, but I know better.

      Be kind to you too rl and ((safe hugs to you))

  3. Broken Girl says:

    I just wanted to say that I’m very sorry for your grief. I know that the decision not to have a child must have been an extremely painful one to make. It was also incredibly selfless and admirable. I hope you can find a little solace in that and once again be at peace with the decision you made. Be kind to yourself.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi Broken Girl,

      You’re very kind. Thank you for saying that. I have to remind myself of the reasons and remind myself that I was right. It’s just complicated to have conflicting desires. Thanks again.

  4. castorgirl says:

    Hi CI,

    This is just so difficult… you can be sailing along thinking that everything is “sorted” and worked through, only to be blindsided… Baby eyes are great for blindsiding you… Take the time to grieve, and grieve again… and again… there is no time limit to sorting through all of the emotions, and it will happen in waves…

    Sending you positive thoughts…
    Take care,

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Thanks CG,

      I know you’re right about grief not having a time limit. I always think I’ve gotten past something just to be reminded that it’s not that easy. Giving oneself permission to feel is important. 🙂 ((hugs))

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