Sometimes you think you’ve gotten over something… you’ve grieved it and it’s over. Then you get smacked in the face with something that takes you back to an unhappy place.
I was at the pharmacy today waiting for my medication (I injured my foot and am currently sporting a brace, but that’s another story).
While I sat an older woman came to stand in line and in her arms was the most beautiful baby I have ever seen.
When I say that he was beautiful you need to understand that something about him pulled at everything in me that had wanted to be a mother, but on a soul deep level. For those of you who don’t know, I wanted to have a child. Years ago I went through what had to be the some of the worst emotional pain I’ve ever felt because I felt that for me having bipolar disorder meant that I couldn’t be the kind of parent I wanted to be…the parent my child deserved. This was a personal choice because I was very unstable. I actually tried to stop my meds to get pregnant but I declined too fast and it didn’t happen.
I spent a lot of time crying until I couldn’t breathe. Eventually the feeling passed and I felt at peace with not having a child. That was a good thing because within a couple of years I had to have a hysterectomy.
Today, I looked into this baby’s eyes and felt myself respond to him. His eyes were the most beautiful dark, dark brown. And he responded to me too. He stared at me and I talked to him. When I talked to him he watched me closely and then he smiled at me! A big, big toothless grin and his eyes were dancing. Then he laughed!
The older woman told me he was her foster son and told me a bit about the baby and his siblings. I told her how wonderful it was that she had taken them all in. I thought I was fine. I enjoyed the interaction.
Hours later at home the baby’s face popped into my mind and I started crying. I wanted him. I had wanted to hold him so much and take care of him. I was completely blindsided by the sadness.
So sometimes the thing you thought you grieved comes back and it still hurts and you have to grieve again.