I should catch you guys up on what’s been happening.
First, I decided to allow my mother some limited contact, very limited. Did I say “very” already? I had two reasons: 1) she came as close to apologizing as I believe she is capable of 2) I did for myself because I felt that if I ignored this gesture it would make me vindictive and that’s not me. I had said what it would take and she came as far as she could.
But I thought long and hard about what would make me feel safe and what would give me control so I laid out very clear rules with the understanding that I can revoke this communication at any time and that it would be forever this time.
I have to say that a part of me relished having this power finally. My whole life I was scared of her…I pretended to be whatever was required in order to pacify her no matter what I actually felt. I could never speak my mind or express my feelings and I was vulnerable. Not now. Now, I control this part of my life and she knows it. I like that and I won’t pretend that I don’t.
The picture thing didn’t work out. She said that she doesn’t have it, so it’s good that I made the decision not based on this factor. I have to admit though that I broke my own rule and dug around for information about my uncle. I was vague and casual while inside being terrified but my mother shut that conversation down. It was for the best. After I saw that I would get nothing from that avenue I became very calm about her. I literally don’t care about her in any form or fashion and it frees me. She can either cooperate or not and I will act accordingly. I don’t care. She’s only allowed electronic communication two times a month and I see that being the case for the rest of our lives. My choice, my rules.
I did notice that after I allowed this feelings that I thought were buried concerning her came back. I was very angry…again. I was annoyed because I thought that I was over that but in the end I decided that I had a right to my anger and I let it be. Also good.
After I realized that the memory thing about my uncle was once again on me I ended up doing something that I didn’t realize I was doing until probably a week or so ago. I won’t get into it here because I don’t like talking about spirituality on my blog, it’s not the place for it, but let’s just say that I put the responsibility for remembering on another source instead of myself and then became enraged and hurt when my little plan didn’t work. After talking things through with my husband of all people, I realized that I was trying to put the pressure on something outside myself instead of looking for truth from within where it belongs. I believe that I hold the memories that will tell the truth; whether something more happened with my uncle or not. I realized that putting the responsibility outside of myself gave me a place to direct my anger or I should say, misdirect. I was able to focus all this intense anger and sadness and self-hatred outward instead of putting it on those who are actually responsible.
This was what caused me to “briefly pause” as my previous post mentioned. It was really weird. It was like having a dam with cracks in it and when I tried to put my issues outward the cracks sealed up temporarily. Everything stopped and by everything I mean the flashes that I see regularly, the feelings…well that’s not quite right. Sometimes the putty sealing the cracks curled up and let a little through but I was really cut-off from myself.
As soon as I stopped and let myself have permission to feel again and to try to remember again, everything started up. At first it was a fast trickle then the putty was gone and the cracks streamed again like usual.
Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t come to any new conclusions or insights but I now know that remembering isn’t about the information I can get from others…it can’t be because there aren’t any other people who know what happened except for my uncle, maybe his wife and what I believe is in my head. There aren’t any doctor’s reports that I now of or police reports, no newspaper clippings or family stories. It’s gotta come from me and that’s okay.
So for now I’m trying to relax into it (that is really hard and easier said than done) and I also wait to see if my mother screws up because I am very ready to cut her off if she provokes me. Power again…it’s so strange to have it.
I’m also anticipating a doctor’s appointment this month with an endocrinologist. I am having serious trouble with my weight and my blood tests haven’t been right for months until I was forced to start taking another medication. It’s been extremely difficult to see my weight go up even though I’ve been practically vegetarian. I can tell that something is wrong with me but I don’t know what it is and I hope the doctor can help. I have almost given up hope and if that happens I will not handle it well…I know I won’t. But I won’t borrow trouble until the time comes. I hope he can help me.
In the meantime I will keep talking and writing and I will see what happens.
Thanks for listening. 🙂