In line with my new goal to be more open to accepting the flashes I see as truth…as actual flashbacks, I am going to address this incident as a flashback (even though the little questioning elf that lives in my head is poking at me to question it to death).
Yesterday I was reading forum threads on a website for survivors of any kind of sexual assault or molestation etc. I like the site and it seems to have a lot of people contributing comments and subjects with respect and trigger warnings and general niceness of the people who post there.
Anyway, I was reading a thread where the subject was emotional flashbacks. One person was talking about how much helplessness she feels during these flashbacks and how alone she was with no one to help her. As I read this statement I thought of my own feelings when I see the flashes…feelings of fear and sadness and I wondered if my sadness was because I was alone with no one to help me. At that moment I saw a room, a room I have never seen in my flashes before in a house obviously different than my grandmother’s house. It was the oddest feeling. (Hmmm…I just now thought to myself, why did I automatically assign the location to my hometown and the time period I lived there with my grandmother? I lived lots of places but I immediately put the room/house there)
For one moment the image was there with feelings of familiarity and just as fast it was slipping away from me like when you wake up from a very strong dream that feels real. I knew the place! It was like being reminded of something and feeling “Of course I’ve been here!” and then it evaporated. I tried desperately to hold onto it. I was begging myself, ‘Please! Wait! Stay here so I can see you!’
I tried to grab details but it was gone. It was really weird afterwards because there was a duality: I knew the place but I don’t know the place. It was a reminder of something I know but I don’t know it.
It was really hard to not question it to death but the very uniqueness of what I saw and the timing of it makes me take it more seriously than I normally would.
I felt like what I saw was important and it’s been hard not to give into my normal dismissal. It’s also disturbing to feel like there’s something important that I’m missing. Today has been weird because I’ve had a strange feeling all day because of what I saw. There’s a duality in my head…in a reality where I was at this house, in this room and I know it and a reality where I was not.
I’m just grateful that I saw something. My therapist says that trust has to be there within myself to remember whatever I’m able to and a trust that I won’t turn it on myself (like self-hatred etc.) I’m working on it.