I had a flash or a… flashback I suppose I should call it. A pair of man’s thighs in pants that seemed to fit too tight, seen as if looking down on them perhaps sitting on the lap facing out.
I ended up in a familiar place, my bathroom floor in the dark because I became upset and needed to be alone. I cried though I’ve lost touch with why.
I asked myself “What do I need?” The answer came from voice in my head, like a child. The answer was “I want my mommy!” But there was no mommy…there hasn’t been a mommy and there is still no mommy.
The realization that we don’t have a mommy flooded me with anger. My body was full of anger. My mind began casting around for a woman we know today who be our mommy and there was no one because every woman we know comes to us for their problems. More anger.
I started kicking out at my cabinets and banging my head on the wall because I didn’t know what to do with all the anger in my body.
I think it was worse because I’m now in contact with my biological mother and she has made it clear that talking about these things is not an option.
I already knew this of course and would never wish to talk to her anyway but it was just the knowledge of how utter useless this woman is in my life. She’s already being kind of drama queen but she is useless. She is not my mother. And as much as my deceased grandmotherwas my mother…the little me didn’t think of her that way. So for her, there was no mother.
My therapist says most adults don’t talk to their parents about this stuff. They talk to a friend or a significant other. She encouraged me to talk to my husband but it’s very difficult.
I wish I had a mother to talk to. I never realized those feelings were in there.
I want my mommy. There is no mommy. There will not be a mommy.