Ghost of Mothers Lost

I had a flash or a… flashback I suppose I should call it. A pair of man’s thighs in pants that seemed to fit too tight, seen as if looking down on them perhaps sitting on the lap facing out.

I ended up in a familiar place, my bathroom floor in the dark because I became upset and needed to be alone. I cried though I’ve lost touch with why.

I asked myself “What do I need?” The answer came from voice in my head, like a child. The answer was “I want my mommy!” But there was no mommy…there hasn’t been a mommy and there is still no mommy.

The realization that we don’t have a mommy flooded me with anger. My body was full of anger. My mind began casting around for a woman we know today who be our mommy and there was no one because every woman we know comes to us for their problems. More anger.

I started kicking out at my cabinets and banging my head on the wall because I didn’t know what to do with all the anger in my body.

I think it was worse because I’m now in contact with my biological mother and she has made it clear that talking about these things is not an option.

I already knew this of course and would never wish to talk to her anyway but it was just the knowledge of how utter useless this woman is in my life. She’s already being kind of drama queen but she is useless. She is not my mother. And as much as my deceased grandmotherwas my mother…the little me didn’t think of her that way. So for her, there was no mother.

My therapist says most adults don’t talk to their parents about this stuff. They talk to a friend or a significant other. She encouraged me to talk to my husband but it’s very difficult.

I wish I had a mother to talk to. I never realized those feelings were in there.

I want my mommy. There is no mommy. There will not be a mommy.

That sucks.

About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Child Molestation, DID, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, neglect, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Sexual Abuse and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to Ghost of Mothers Lost

  1. Freasha1964 says:

    So many ways to lose your mother. Not a single way to get her back… It is so very sad.
    You did take care of yourself by crying it out and feeling such anger. Do you realize that this is great progress on your part? Of course the progress involves pain. I am sorry for the pain and great discomfort- if that is what you are experiencing.
    Is there any way to tell your husband the abridged version, or the GP rated version, and see how he responds and then decide if it is safe to go further with him? Sharing such deep, deep, tragedy generated experiences is a way to get closer. Opening up to vulnerability invites closeness, but of course, it is a two edged sword.
    I do hear how you can make some kind of alliance with the mother inside you, but I am not going to give you advice about something that I have not yet been able to do, or at least, not been able to see. (My therapist would probably point out ways that show that I have. But don’t give me an open essay test on this.)
    I am sending hugs to that lost little girl who just wants her mommy.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi Freasha,

      I know that you are more aware than most how it feels to lose a mother and my thoughts are very much with you.

      I have shared with my husband that I have had some flashbacks but going deeper is…I don’t know, distasteful or it makes me feel weak and whiny I guess.

      It’s funny that you mentioned the mother inside because my therapist mentioned the same thing. Either a mother in your head or a therapist in your head. It makes me tired to think of creating this, though it sounds like a good idea.

      I know the crying is progress and I’m better at accepting that than before. I’ll take the pain if it gives me information too.

      Hugs to you Freasha

  2. Broken Girl says:

    I’m really sorry that you don’t have/never had a mommy figure in your life. You needed one when you were a child and your younger part(s) still need one.

    I’m not sure whether your therapist could step into this role in the therapeutic setting? If you’re alone, perhaps your adult self could step in to soothe and care for the child part. You did that when you went inside and asked the child part what she needed.

    I’m sure I didn’t suggest anything you hadn’t already thought of, but I figured I throw out some ideas. Keep all your parts close and take care, CI :).

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi BG,

      Thank you. The inner mother idea is a good one, I just think I found it difficult this time to comfort my child parts when I as the host needed comfort as well. If that makes sense. Maybe it takes practice. 🙂

  3. Broken Girl says:

    I started writing that reply before Freasha had replied. Sorry if my comment was somewhat redundant after hers.

  4. Karen says:

    This is so sad and unfair and cruel. I’m so sorry. I wish I could do more than offer sympathy and love, but they’re all I have, and I’m sending them in abundance. ❤ xxxxx

  5. I don’t have a mommy either, never did, never will. I think that’s something to grieve for, to mourn, and it will always be there in some form. I have to admit I envy you for having a husband, because you do have someone, certainly not your mommy that you need, not at all, but someone…sending blessings from a complete stranger…..

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi Laura,

      I’m very sorry that you also know what it feels like to have that gap in your life. I never want to downplay how grateful I am that I chose a really good guy to marry, I just think that at times like this I miss having a female presence in my life to talk to about matters like this. It can be difficult to talk about sexual abuse with a man, and one who has no experience of such matters (for which of course I’m glad for him) but talking about sexual abuse to a spouse adds another layer of stress and sometimes shame and makes me just shutdown talking about. It feels like whatever I say will be burned in his brain and come into our bedroom.

      But I also recognize that I do have someone in my home when others do not, so I understand what you mean. 🙂 Thank you for the good thoughts Laura.

      • Ah. I think I understand better now. Thank you for taking the time and emotional energy to explain this to me! It can’t be easy.

        There must be something about this. A very good friend of mine was sexually abused by her maternal grandfather, and tried and tried to tell her mother, her mother yelled at her for “making things up,” as if a five-year-old could make such things up. I myself am a survivor of serial rape and child prostitution, which I tried to tell my “mother” about several times, but she just gave me a blank stare and looked away. So where does that leave us in the “mommy” department? Out in the cold, as far as the biological kind. So we decided to be each other’s mommy! That worked very well for a while, until she went off the deep end and married an abusive man, and had no more time for either mommy-ing or being mommy’d. And so it goes….

      • CimmarianInk says:

        Hi Laura,

        It’s heartbreaking that your biological mother did not help you. It makes me ill. And unfortunately it happens to often.

        It seems to be really hard to find a good friend who can be there during hard times or just to talk to. I find myself being the counselor to other women.

        Maybe that’s life… I don’t know. But blogging helps me to connect.

      • I find blogging to be a really safe form of group therapy. We switch roles– sometimes the counselor, sometimes the counseled, often just the listening ear and support system.

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