The Shift From Doubt To Belief

It seems that I’ve been hit in the face enough in the last month or so with flashbacks and feeling memories that I can no longer doubt that something happened to me.

It’s a relief actually. When I look back at how much I doubted myself and what kind of excuses I made as to why the images and feelings I have couldn’t possibly be real…I can’t believe that I ever thought those were logical lines of reasoning! I’m not a drama queen. I’m not a liar.  I don’t cry over nothing and I can’t ignore the flashes I’ve seen or how they made me feel. And I’m glad that I can’t ignore it anymore.

I’ve shifted from constant, draining to self-doubt to acknowledging that something happened to me, I just don’t have all the details right now.

I also stopped focusing on getting answers from outside of myself. There is way too much stuff simmering in my subconscious for me to doubt that all the answers I need are inside of me. I don’t need to have a complete, sequential record of every single second of what happened. I just need to know enough to know what I’m dealing with.

Now I’m in a phase of frustration that goes from mild to severe. There are images and feelings just out of my conscious grasp and I just can’t reach them. I’m trying to relax and be patient with myself but it can be very, very hard.

Still, I’m glad to be done with beating myself up with lies about who I am inside.


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Child Molestation, DID, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Sexual Abuse, Trauma and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to The Shift From Doubt To Belief

  1. turq says:

    it’s not quite the right word, but congratulations! you’ve made a massive step. yes, big work to come, and it won’t be fun, but you’ve shown you can manage it!

  2. I find myself stuck in perpetual doubt but knowing that things don’t totally add up. i want to trust these flashbacks, believe my body memories, but sometimes they are too terrifying to truly accept. But its seems impossible to move forward in the meantime. I wish i could force myself to accept it because I feel like healing woudl be easier. But that doubt is always there. trying to figure out if I’m the delusional one or my entire family is. i don’t know if this makes sense. but that you for writing this. I’m so glad for you that you have moved passed that doubt phase. Shows such great strength. But I am also glad to hear that am not the only one who has doubts about the chaos in my head. thank you for writing this.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi finallyspeakingmytruth,

      Doubt is SO incredibly common among abuse survivors! Everyone I know goes through it. It’s easier to think we’re crazy than to believe that a human being could harm a child in this way.

      I think the fear of the truth makes doubting it safer and I’ve gone through at least 3 years of doubt.

      You’re very normal. I had to remember who I am and get that reinforcement from trustworthy people like my therapist and my husband. It took a long time. I think it’s part of the process though so hang in there.

  3. Broken Girl says:

    CI, I think acknowledging that something happened to you and not doubting yourself is huge progress! Good for you :).

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi BG,

      Thank you, I think it’s huge to compared to where I was. I’m sure I’ll be wishing for doubt again in the future when I see something I don’t want to see, but oh well.

  4. cptsd2013 says:

    I recognize a lot about doubt and I’m glad to read that i’m not the only one. But I am very glad to read that you no longer doubt, its like your subconscious is screaming at you, believe is a very good step in the right direction! 🙂

  5. ~meredith says:

    You’re such a logical fighter. Kudo’s to you.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi Meredith,

      Thanks, though logic can be a trap sometimes if I get inside my judging head too much. 🙂

      • ~meredith says:

        Ah… well, you’re among good company with that, you know. I’m always surprised to learn where I am in relationship to where I think I am… especially when my mind snaps shut and I can’t get out. bleah

  6. lotuslily6 says:

    Sometimes being strong is the only choice you have ❤

  7. Pingback: “Oh, DID, that’s really rare, isn’t it?” | Trauma and Dissociation

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