I’ve been away a long time, I know. From time to time I have phases where, even though I’m going through something, I don’t have the words or sometimes just the energy to blog it. I had a therapy session today though and I thought I’d give writing a go.
My mother’s communication has brought up a lot of crap that I thought I had worked through. That’s the way of things, you think you’ve worked through an issue and felt all your feelings but then something happens to bring them back and they can be just as strong as they were before or stronger.
As I said in my last post I’ve been very angry and feeling a lot of hatred. That’s another reason I didn’t blog…I had already said all of this and I figured, ‘why repeat it all again’? The anger is still there, so is the hatred, but I was surprised a few days a go when I sadness. The context was watching a video about a young man who bought his mom a car she had wanted his whole life. The sadness came when I realized that I would never have those feelings for the woman who gave birth to me. Besides the anger and hate, I feel nothing for her besides annoyance when I have to interact with her, even though it’s all through email.
My therapist said today that I need to grieve that loss and I frowned because I thought I’d already done this years ago. Ugh.
She also said something that was perfectly worded although I won’t get the wording exactly right, but she mentioned how confusing this is for me because my mother is still alive and is a nuisance. So she’s alive but I still need to grieve because I never had a mother. Yeah, that is weird and it is confusing.
She and I have often said that my grandmother was really my mother because she raised me for the first 6 years of my life, not to mention all the times I was sent to live with her. She was my one constant in this world; the place I was most safe. But today during therapy we adjusted the wording on that because I said that although I now realize as an adult that my grandmother was my mother figure, when I was a child I did not know that nor did I see her that way.I saw her as my grandmother and therefore the only mother I had was the woman who gave birth to me and abused me until I moved out. So my therapist said ‘let’s say that you had an extra, extra special grandmother’, which is very true. Therefore, the loss is still there. It’s also complicated by the fact that my grandmother died way too young and that I found her body. That particular grief keeps cropping up over and over and it makes things more garbled and emotional.
In the background of all of this is the issue of the sexual abuse by my uncle. Whew, you know what? It’s really good to write that sentence because with all the mother crap, the sexual abuse has been pushed aside but my psyche keeps flashing images and my stomach keeps getting tight and flip flopping when he comes up. I still have dreams from time to time but I haven’t been talking about it. It’s good to talk about it. I was going to go to a support group that I found out about in my area but I think it moved to a church and I don’t do churches. As I write this I keep thinking that maybe I should go back to making collages…maybe that will help me get my focus back on what I really want to understand; the sexual abuse.
I’m glad that I sat down to write this because it was good to reconnect to my writing, my blog and my readers. And I reconnected a bit more to myself. Thanks for sharing this space with me. I’ll try to write more often instead of letting things simmer in my brain so much.