I’d like to thank all of you for your comments. My mind is all over the place so it’s easier to thank everyone here and tell you that I’ve read every comment.
The relationship with my mother was complex, which makes the grief at her passing complex. I can honestly say that I thought I wouldn’t care if she died. I was wrong, but even now I’m not sure how I was wrong. I care. I’m shocked at the depth to which my being was shaken at the news that she no longer exists.
I wouldn’t even attempt to write a post at this moment except that I’m afraid if I don’t document my feelings, I’ll never understand them or the passing of time will make it harder to remember what it’s like now.
I thought I’d be happy but, happy is more than the opposite of what I feel.
Even when I used to wish her gone I would mentally add on that I didn’t actually mean it because she was married and I’d never wish that loss on someone. Hearing her husband’s voice breaking kills me even though we’re not close and he contributed very much to my dysfunctional family life by not stopping my mother’s abuse and by behaving as if he wished I wasn’t there. He was cold and rather mean and he abused his own child, leaving marks.
I still feel bad for him and strangely his situation makes me feel less entitled to my grief. My therapist says this isn’t true but…
But I’m not writing to talk about someone else’s feelings. I have to remind myself that I matter,because I’ve been trying to help him even at great emotional cost to myself. Guilt is a bitch.
My guilt lies in the fact that hadn’t spoken to her in, what, at least a month? After the apology she sent, I was furious. It literally took me this long to be able to formulate a response. I waited until I could write her from a place of relative calmness. I specifically didn’t want to be mean, so I waited until my response wouldn’t be mean. Do you know how long I waited? I wrote my response the day before she died, but I didn’t send it because I was going to wait to the weekend. I’m glad. Even though my reply was calm, logical and reasonable, it was also truthful. If she had read it and then died, no one would ever be able to convince that I didn’t kill her. As it is, I wondered if my lack of response was what did it.
This post is turning into a novel so I’ll leave it here and come back later to write more.