Images


I continue to be overwhelmed by my feelings over my mother’s death.
I think that, subconsciously, I was aware that at least she was somewhere in the world and I guess that mattered. I didn’t know that it mattered.

Now she’s not there and I still can’t process it. I haven’t cried since the funeral…it’s like it’s too much and I can’t even comprehend that she’s gone.

It’s so complex. Her death changes nothing about what she did and her death does not grant forgiveness or forgetting for me. I’m not feeling any magical affection that didn’t exist before. It’s more like I miss the memory of her, before the abuse began. The woman that I knew very briefly when I was a toddler.

I never wanted pictures of her before but now I do…but not recent pictures, or pictures from my childhood; those are bad memories. I want pictures of her from before I was born, when she was someone else.

I can’t even think the thought that she’s gone…

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About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Child Abuse, depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Trauma. Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Images

  1. kat says:

    so sorry for your loss.

  2. Freasha1964 says:

    But maybe there was always that little hope that maybe some day you could repair your relationship somehow and have the mother you wanted and never got? I had hoped that with my father for a while when he was getting demented because I thought maybe some of those tough layers might peel off. It didn’t happen. I guess he was tough all the way to the core; or as close to the core as he got by the end.

    I am sorry this is so hard. How you will feel when someone dies is never easy to predict.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi Freasha,

      I’m so sorry that you experienced that disappointment with your father. Parents have a lot of influence over our emotions and it drives me nuts. You’re right, death reveals things and my therapist agrees with you that I must have had some kind of hope. I wish you’d had the relationship you wanted with your father.

  3. Faith says:

    Oh sweetheart. I’m so sorry for all the complexity, for all the tangled up emotions that make the situation even more complicated. I am just so sorry. I know what you mean by wanting to remember her before things changed, remember the one you needed. I get it and felt every word you wrote including the part about not being able to process the thought of her being gone. When I have these overwhelming emotions of grief, anger, fear, love, hate, unanswered questions, on and on I have to run, physically run. Well, I may not be able to do that anymore but I at least know I NEED to do something physical to work off all the energy flying around unguided, no direction just bouncing off this side of my brain then that side. For me it takes some sort of physical activity to help me deal with trauma like this. I hope when you are able and you are at that step, you too will find a way to ease the free flow of questions and emotions that occur during times such as these.
    I am truly sorry for the pain you are feeling,
    Faith

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Thank you Faith. I did walk on my treadmill once when I was overcome by anger, but mostly I’m depressed, tired and barely able to get out of bed. I appreciate what you said. I hope I can do more physical stuff…at least it would be better than being in bed.

  4. Oh my gosh, you are me. We share very similar experiences in our upbringing. I am so sad for you b/c I know exactly what you are saying. My mother is still alive and this is the fear I have…..how will I handle her death. I have a father alive and well but not the relationship I need from him, I am not good enough for his world he just lives 2 hours away. I feel and know your pain, wish I had that little box of answers for us.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi, I’m sorry you’re in the same position. Honestly you can never know how you’ll react until it actually happens and you’ll probably be surprised either way. I wish I had answers too.

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