I just realized a couple of days ago that I am not coping very well with stress at the moment. There are too many things going on at once and I’m not handling it well at all.
I need to sell my house, and the decision about where to move is extremely stressful because of the financial commitment. My mother’s death is still weighing and I’ve been spending an inordinate amount of time in my imagination. That’s not coping. Well, it’s my way of coping but it’s not always the healthiest.
Physically I haven’t been feeling well and I’ve completely lost my way when it comes to exercise. Part of it is due to the weather change. When cold weather comes, my chronic illnesses become even worse than usual. Part of it is because I’ve lost my motivation.
Tonight was the first time in a long time that I considered self-injury and the night is not over.
I’m feeling epic amounts of guilt for failing myself and others on so many fronts at once. I actually thought to myself tonight that maybe my husband would be better off if I left him; he wouldn’t have to move (it’s my health that’s making the move necessary) and he’d be happier. I’ve never thought about that before. Yes, I’ve thought about leaving in the sense of death, but not leaving in this manner.
I’m so tired. I’m tired of struggling against my own weaknesses (that’s another post altogether) and I’m tired of failing. I’m tired of not knowing which way to go or what to do. And, I’m tired of feeling unworthy.
My husband thinks I’m depressed but I don’t think I am. I think that I’m worn out from things he doesn’t even know about. Things I could never tell him about.
I wish I could be a good person. It’s exhausting to hate yourself and your choices all the time.