I’m Not Coping

I just realized a couple of days ago that I am not coping very well with stress at the moment. There are too many things going on at once and I’m not handling it well at all.

I need to sell my house, and the decision about where to move is extremely stressful because of the financial commitment. My mother’s death is still weighing and I’ve been spending an inordinate amount of time in my imagination. That’s not coping. Well, it’s my way of coping but it’s not always the healthiest.

Physically I haven’t been feeling well and I’ve completely lost my way when it comes to exercise. Part of it is due to the weather change. When cold weather comes, my chronic illnesses become even worse than usual. Part of it is because I’ve lost my motivation.

Tonight was the first time in a long time that I considered self-injury and the night is not over.

I’m feeling epic amounts of guilt for failing myself and others on so many fronts at once. I actually thought to myself tonight that maybe my husband would be better off if I left him; he wouldn’t have to move (it’s my health that’s making the move necessary) and he’d be happier. I’ve never thought about that before. Yes, I’ve thought about leaving in the sense of death, but not leaving in this manner.

I’m so tired. I’m tired of struggling against my own weaknesses (that’s another post altogether) and I’m tired of failing. I’m tired of not knowing which way to go or what to do. And, I’m tired of feeling unworthy.

My husband thinks I’m depressed but I don’t think I am. I think that I’m worn out from things he doesn’t even know about. Things I could never tell him about.

I wish I could be a good person. It’s exhausting to hate yourself and your choices all the time.


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Child Molestation, dissociation, Incest, Mental Health, self-harm, Self-injury, Sexual Abuse. Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to I’m Not Coping

  1. Freasha1964 says:

    Oh CI, big hugs to you if you would permit me a long distance embrace. Please don’t hurt yourself. I can’t bear to think you would hurt more than you are already. I kinda think your husband is correct: you really sound depressed. Maybe there are other overlying and underlying issues, but it seems to spell depression. After all, it is Christmas day, and the first one in your life where your complicated, not-so-wonderful mother is not on planet Earth. I am quite sure that your husband would NOT be better off without you, and he is not even thinking that. How many times have you heard other depressed people say that? I sure have several times, heard it. Maybe felt it, too. Self hate; I know that, too. It is the nature of the beast: a brain disease that doesn’t want to feel better. As they say, just put one foot in front of the other, and take a step. Don’t worry about the next one.
    Please keep me, and the others, posted. I hope you will find a little shard of love for yourself somewhere in that troubled soul you are burdened with. You deserve it. You ARE a good person. Honest, I am sincere. You ARE.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi Freasha, your hugs are always welcomed and thank you for that.

      I think you’re awesome and it’s sad that you’ve experienced things like self-hatred considering what a stellar person you are.

      The holidays don’t factor in for me but I did speak to my stepfather the other day and I think it added more grief.

      I’m going to do my best not to give in to what I’m thinking and I’ll hope that tomorrow is better. I will however pay attention to what you said about depression, and be aware of how my mental state progresses.

      I hope tomorrow treats you well and hugs back to you.

  2. kat says:

    i come and go from that place where you are, and im sorry you are feeling this way. you are not worthless or any of those other things, you are important.

    feel better soon

  3. manyofus1980 says:

    Don’t hurt yourself. You are worth so much more than self harm. Sorry its been a rough day. Sending hugs if you want them and can accept them. Xmas time is hard for many people. Things will get easier soon I am sure. Sorry that you have to move. That is very stressful. XX

  4. “things he doesn’t even know about. Things I could never tell him about.”
    Talking to him might be a good start.

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