Using my therapist’s technique of identifying emotions by keeping them simple: happy, sad, mad, or scared, I’m going to say that I’m sad. Believe it or not that’s actually progress for me and I still need that kind of help to explain how I feel.
It’s the little things that are making me sad. Yesterday my husband picked up the phone to give his parents an update on our house sale and it hit me really hard that I can’t do that because my mom is dead. I have a stepfather but he’s exactly that. We don’t have the kind of relationship where I just call him up to say hi. My bio-dad is exactly that, the guy my mom slept with to have me.
The casual, sure way my husband called his parents just got to me.
And it’s strange because my wistful sadness is a mixture of reality and wishes. In reality I hadn’t spoken to my mom in a while and if she were still alive I may not have called her about this. But, I would have likely been emailing her at least and I can’t even do that. The wishes come in from not knowing what our future relationship would have been. Maybe we’d finally speak on the phone…I have no idea.
I’m sad. I miss her but it’s weird. And it seems like everyday now I get kicked in the gut by grief. It’s a change because I still haven’t cried since her memorial service. I haven’t felt much of anything until now. I want a picture of a younger her…a her from before the hitting started, but my stepfather has the ones I probably want. My other pictures are packed so I can move when the time comes.
One of the small things that isn’t small is again wishful thinking. I recently read an article where a young woman, now an adult, who had been sexually abused as a child told her mother what had happened. Of course for her, her mother was supportive, but I thought to myself that I’ll never be able to tell her what happened. There’s no support incoming. I highly doubt there would have been support if my mother were still alive but it’s not even having the option that gets me. It’s the maybe’s (is that even a word?).
I don’t know how to process these feelings or even how to feel them in the first place. The training from my mother kicks in which means no crying, no showing how I really feel.
On the side I also have an extremely needy, whiny person around me who requires constant hand-holding or they think I don’t like them anymore. This person is supposed to be a friend but they are super high maintenance and they’re so busy telling everyone around us how sick they are (they’re not) that they can’t understand why I’m not focusing all of my attention on them.
Anyway, speaking of whining, I’m done. How’s everyone else doing?