My stepfather sent my mother’s death certificate along with the coroner’s report. I read rather quickly and unfortunately my eyes picked up many phrases in the report before I actually realized what I was glancing at.
I didn’t know he was going to send anything, let alone the report detailing how they took my mother apart in pieces and weighed her organs.
I’m angry that he blindsided me with this and I’m deeply disturbed by the details I read before I threw the report down.
They cut her up in pieces. They recorded her body parts in pounds and grams…they dissected her like she was nothing and then they reported their findings like her family wouldn’t see it.
I can’t deal with the fact that they disassembled her. All I see in my mind’s eye is her on a table as they take her apart. In this case, having a good imagination is not a strength.
My eyes keep watering because I want to cry but…I don’t know. I want to talk to someone about how I feel but I’m so damaged (ironically in part by my mother) that I can’t. I have a husband who would probably listen to me but it feels like weakness to go to him. I have a friend who lost her mother last year but I feel guilty bringing this up with her because I don’t want to cause her more pain.
I’m therefore left with my thoughts and my imagination and my anger and my guilt and my sadness. You would think with so much company I wouldn’t feel so isolated.