The Indignity Of Death

My stepfather sent my mother’s death certificate along with the coroner’s report. I read rather quickly and unfortunately my eyes picked up many phrases in the report before I actually realized what I was glancing at.

I didn’t know he was going to send anything, let alone the report detailing how they took my mother apart in pieces and weighed her organs.

I’m angry that he blindsided me with this and I’m deeply disturbed by the details I read before I threw the report down.

They cut her up in pieces. They recorded her body parts in pounds and grams…they dissected her like she was nothing and then they reported their findings like her family wouldn’t see it.

I can’t deal with the fact that they disassembled her. All I see in my mind’s eye is her on a table as they take her apart. In this case, having a good imagination is not a strength.

My eyes keep watering because I want to cry but…I don’t know. I want to talk to someone about how I feel but I’m so damaged (ironically in part by my mother) that I can’t. I have a husband who would probably listen to me but it feels like weakness to go to him. I have a friend who lost her mother last year but I feel guilty bringing this up with her because I don’t want to cause her more pain.

I’m therefore left with my thoughts and my imagination and my anger and my guilt and my sadness. You would think with so much company I wouldn’t feel so isolated.


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Child Abuse, depression, dissociative identity disorder, Family Relationships, Mental Health, neglect, Trauma and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

18 Responses to The Indignity Of Death

  1. kat says:

    im so sorry that happened. how cold and cruel your stepfather must be. im sorry you had to read all of that. just know that your mother is safe now, in a better place, and you can always ‘talk’ to her when ever you feel her close by. let her sit with you as you mourn, say all the things you want to, feel her. one day, things will start to move on–but she will still be there to talk to, to feel close by, whenever you need.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi kat, thank you so much for your kind thoughts. I don’t think my stepfather meant to be cruel but perhaps his grief clouded his judgment so that he didn’t think about what he was including or to warn me. We haven’t had the best relationship but I honestly hope he didn’t think it through. I think my poor uncle (my mother’s brother) probably got the same packet mailed to him. 😦

  2. Andi says:

    Short on words but offering support.

  3. I think you’re right, no one thinks clearly after such a loss. Sorry for your loss. I hope you can re-place the pictures that report put in your mind by happy memories with your mother. Every time just say, NO, and make your mind see a happy time.
    I told my therapist she was insane when she said I could control my thoughts, and though it took time and some work, I could. I tend to have repetitive thoughts that take root but still it did work. Happy times, happy memories.

  4. Faith says:

    You have aptly filed this under neglect.

    I’m angry for you.
    I am someone very visual. If its said or read, i can see it. I would be hospitalized if I’d read that report. I don’t think there is a single place in my mind I could run to get away. That is painful beyond words. I am so sorry you have this!! on top of her death. You certainly didn’t need this.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hello Faith, for some reason it helps to read that someone else is angry too. Maybe it validates my own feelings, but whatever it is I truly appreciate your empathy. I’m still trying to push the images away and I hope they fade eventually. Thank you again.

  5. Karen says:

    I can’t even begin to imagine how you must feel, so words fail me. But I’m so angry and horrified for you, and more importantly am sending much love and support. ❤ xxx

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi Karen, the love and support mean so much. Thank you. And thank you for the anger too. It feels like I have too many emotions to contain them in my body so sharing it helps. xxx

  6. Faith says:

    I wonder, what was he thinking when he sent you all that stuff unannounced? Was he in the grips of grief? Was this his typical behavior to spring things on you? What on earth was he thinking? WTH? Talk about cruel. What were his intentions?

    A few months back I had an experience I could not handle. In my therapist’s office I was hyperventilating, crying and saying,”Please help me.”. He showed me how to put that experience in a box and bury it. I closed my eyes (huge measure of trust) and he guided me through burying the experience. It works. I’d heard of the technique before but it seemed silly. When I needed it, it worked. It’s a good technique. . …

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi Faith, I have no idea what his intentions were. I don’t understand what he was thinking. WTH indeed. Your therapist gave you a good coping skill in using visualization. I know about visualization but I’ve never used it. Perhaps it would be a good thing to learn. Thank you for the suggestion Faith. And I’m glad you have a therapist you can trust.

  7. LeikaShadow says:

    Sending you peaceful vibes, my heart goes out to you. Try the visualizations and work thru this, and know you’re not alone.

  8. Heather B says:

    All I Can Say Is THINK of Your Mom As “The Best” She Was.. Not Ever as What he sent those papers as.. I could never even think of those things.. My mom was way better & so was yours! My mom was also put under the knife to figure out what she passed from. I try my best to Remember Her as Smiling, Laughing, Loving, Me.. and I her.. My love to you. 😀

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