This thought has been in my head for a few weeks now and I wanted to post in hopes that it might help someone else. I know I’ve been writing about my mother dying almost exclusively but this blog is also about Dissociative Identity Disorder and sexual abuse so for the first time in a long time I’m posting about that.
The concept is simple but I’ll explain how I had one of my “aha” moments.
I was watching TV and the show was about the 80’s/90’s. They were talking about being able to go to the mall back then and record yourself singing. Until that moment I had completely forgotten about that trend. But when they mentioned it, boom, I remembered it as if I had never forgotten it. The second instance was a very casual comment on TV about spray deodorant being available at the gym. Again, it was a very simple, non-important thing I had forgotten but at that moment my mind flashed to the gym I used to go to when I worked years ago and I could remember the aerosol can of deodorant there in the ladie’s room. Again, like I had never forgotten it.
Why are these two instances important? Because both times something triggered a memory and both times, even though the memory had been buried (probably because it wasn’t important), I readily and easily accepted it without question.
My “aha” moment came when I realized that memories of sexual abuse, as vague and fleeting as they are, are exactly like these other memories. Something triggers them and I see something or feel something. However I typically question the memory to death (even though I’m WAY better at how I handle them now). The question was, why did I accept those casual memories so easily when they came to me the same way that the abuse ones do? The easy answer? Because no one wants to believe that they were sexually abused as a child. The instinct is to flinch away from those images. But after my moment, I realized that memories are memories and I need be better about accepting them.
Hopefully my “aha” moment will help someone else. Take care everyone.