How To Accept A Memory

This thought has been in my head for a few weeks now and I wanted to post in hopes that it might help someone else. I know I’ve been writing about my mother dying almost exclusively but this blog is also about Dissociative Identity Disorder and sexual abuse so for the first time in a long time I’m posting about that.

The concept is simple but I’ll explain how I had one of my “aha” moments.

I was watching TV and the show was about the 80’s/90’s. They were talking about being able to go to the mall back then and record yourself singing. Until that moment I had completely forgotten about that trend. But when they mentioned it, boom, I remembered it as if I had never forgotten it. The second instance was a very casual comment on TV about spray deodorant being available at the gym. Again, it was a very simple, non-important thing I had forgotten but at that moment my mind flashed to the gym I used to go to when I worked years ago and I could remember the aerosol can of deodorant there in the ladie’s room. Again, like I had never forgotten it.

Why are these two instances important? Because both times something triggered a memory and both times, even though the memory had been buried (probably because it wasn’t important), I readily and easily accepted it without question.

My “aha” moment came when I realized that memories of sexual abuse, as vague and fleeting as they are, are exactly like these other memories. Something triggers them and I see something or feel something. However I typically question the memory to death (even though I’m WAY better at how I handle them now). The question was, why did I accept those casual memories so easily when they came to me the same way that the abuse ones do? The  easy answer? Because no one wants to believe that they were sexually abused as a child. The instinct is to flinch away from those images. But after my moment, I realized that memories are memories and I need be better about accepting them.

Hopefully my “aha” moment will help someone else. Take care everyone.


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, DID, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Multiple Personalities, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Rape, Sexual Abuse, Trauma and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to How To Accept A Memory

  1. Faith says:

    So many kids wanted to be a star!! Oh my goodness, I haven’t thought about that in years either.

    Ya know, when it comes to abuse, you can not separate it from the word vulnerable. When we think of leaving ourselves vulnerable then self blame comes in. For example. If I didn’t lock my doors at night then I’ve left myself vulnerable, open to attack. If you read that again you’ll see just how much self blame is involved. It’s as if I am responsible for robbers and more looking to hurt someone. It’s like saying, I left the door open so why am I mad that someone walked in and hurt me?
    Vulnerability has a lot of self blame attached to it by our society.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi Faith, you really hit the nail on the head when it comes to self-blame. It’s one of the curses of abuse; the abuser never blames themself but the victim takes on all the blame. I also appreciate your use of the word vulnerable. Who wants to be vulnerable or to remember that they once were?

  2. Kit says:

    This post came at the perfect time for me, right after I myself had a flashback. I too question those memories TO DEATH. I have a bad habit of thinking in my own head that there is no way that memory can me real. I think you hit the nail perfectly on the head, no one wants to admit they were sexually abused. My therapist has even commented that I cannot even say the words that I am a sexual abuse victim. I usually phrase it as “you know, my uncle” and a shrug of my shoulders. Definitely something I need to work on. I too need to get better at accepting memories. Best wishes!

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi Kit, I’m glad the post was helpful. It might also help to know that questioning memories to death is very common and part of the process. Just keep believing in yourself and reminding yourself that trauma is complicated and it’s common to forget what’s happened and you’ll eventually get to where you need to be to heal.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Yes, doing my best to not think of her that way.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s