Idiosyncrasies aka “Wait, not everyone does that”?


May was one of those months that just sucked, which is why I didn’t blog much. Thankfully I’ll finally be moving soon which will see me more settled.

But today’s blog isn’t about that, it’s about sex, coping and finding out you’re weird. Yeah I’m just jumping in and I’m hoping to get some feedback about idiosyncrasies you may have that directly relate to whatever has happened to you in the past.

My husband and I were being intimate the other night and without going into a ton of detail about what we were doing, I had a very, very strong, negative reaction to the whole thing.

I will detail my reaction though with the purpose of both sharing for you and for me. I’m betting at least some of my readers will relate, even if you don’t comment and hopefully my experience will help. But if you do choose to comment, I’m hoping to get a wider view of what’s normal for us.

I’ve had negative reactions to sex before but this was a doozy! And let me say right off the bat that my husband did nothing wrong.

Before we even started, immediately my head started floating away and I found myself staring at the ceiling, unable to move. The touch was so extremely unpleasant that my head started filling with voices and feelings wanting it to stop but I couldn’t speak or do anything. It was like having ten people in my head and body all having varying reactions that were all bad, but I remained still and silent on the outside.

I was totally confused because I didn’t know how to make things stop with my husband or what to do about my inner turmoil.

My chest area went numb like someone had given me lidocaine. It was so weird!

My therapist found all of my reactions informative: going very still and quiet, being afraid to make the person stop, staring at a fixed point, my head floating away, my body becoming numb…yeah even I see the implications. However, it’s very difficult to process these feelings and sensations without narrative memory to help.

My therapist calls these “feeling memories” and she tried to help me think of them as information.

I will briefly discuss something weird about boobs here so just throwing that out there.

Towards the end of our session I told her that both during therapy and with my husband, I felt odd sensations concerning my breasts. I hate my breasts being touched and I hate anything brushing against them, including my shirt. I mentioned to her that I sometimes wish I could get rid of them or bind them up so they can’t feel anything. I told her that I wear my bra 24/7 except for when I bathe, including sleeping in it. I always have since my first bra because I tried taking it off for bed and I couldn’t bear the feeling. Being in my bra keeps them…contained? So nothing touches them.

I did not realize how weird my behavior is until our session. My therapist had never known anyone who sleeps in her bra. Great. I’m weirder than usual.

So, my question is: do any of you have any idiosyncrasies related to your past, whether it was physical, emotional, mental or sexual abuse, or other trauma? Do you have a habit or ritual etc that you do, that is normal for you but not for other people?

Feel free to comment anonymously, I just would like to see how normal we all actually are by being “abnormal”. I bet many of us are similar by being different.

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About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Child Abuse, Child Molestation, DID, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Multiple Personalities, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Rape, Sexual Abuse, Trauma and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

17 Responses to Idiosyncrasies aka “Wait, not everyone does that”?

  1. kat says:

    well is surely sounds like you have had some trauma on this issue. and that your spontaneous response is to dissociate and leave the body paralyzed. i have had similar responses and also ones completely the opposite. that is, sometimes i go crazy wild when being intimate, others i shut down. but neither are really what is called ‘normal’ intimacy. i don’t think my body or brain recognize ‘normal’ when it comes to sex and sexuality.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi kat, like you I sometimes go “crazy wild”, sometimes I obsess and desire it so much, so often that my therapist and I talk about sex addiction. It’s such a complex issue that branches off into complex reactions that can seem to be polar opposites but must be related. Thank you for commenting about your experiences!

  2. attached says:

    You reaction sounds fairly typical for a trauma survivor to me. I’ve experienced both the intense, almost uncontrollable desire and feeling paralyzed and trapped sometimes both during a single episode of intimacy with my husband. Thank goodness things have gotten and it happens much less often and less intensely now

    My oddest experience was when my husband tried a new toothpaste sample he got from the dentist without me knowing. We started kissing and I went from a mild dislike to retching and dry heaving while crying hysterically in less than two minutes. It made sense with respect to my memory of the abuse burst I had changed toothpaste brands when I moved out on my own quite accidentally (started buying something cheaper). I hadn’t realized how much of my struggles with dental hygiene related to the toothpaste. I thought I was just lazy and undisciplined as a child and eventually I grew up and started taking care of my teeth as an adult.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi attached, it’s so interesting to me how we can have such intense reactions that blindside us. I’m really glad that things have gotten better for you because it proves there’s hope. Thank you so much for sharing!

  3. redteam12 says:

    as soon as i got my first bra i also began wearing them all the time to keep my breasts feeling “contained” as well

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi redteam12, that is reassuring to read! My therapist theorized that even though she hadn’t known anyone that wore their bra all the time like I do, that if I asked on my blog, it was probable that I would find others who have similar habits. It’s interesting to see behaviors, maybe even things we didn’t notice on a conscious level. Thank you for sharing!

  4. ~meredith says:

    bras… containment… me, too. certain times of the month, it’s a comfort, other times, it’s a just because kind of thing… just because. 🙂

    body memory–ooooh, yes. everything comes together, eventually, but there’s also an ‘easter egg’ in those moments, too. as the muscle memory surfaces, it seems to lance the pain, draining it of toxins once it comes. i know how shameful it feels to acknowledge it, too. but! eventually, i stuttered my way through a confession of a similar moment… and when it’s not okay, it’s okay to say so… a relief for both of us, actually. i’d never thought of that.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi meredith! Yeah I definitely get the easter egg feeling, I just wish I could get clear on what happened. I will need to tell my husband what’s happening but I dread it. Thank you for sharing your experience with the chest area. 🙂

  5. ~meredith says:

    (rest of thought…) i wanted clarity, too. all it did was make me feel crazy and tired, so i resigned from the remembering club and started drawing cartoons of myself when everything in the world matters.
    i crack me up, so it works. 🙂

  6. thebigfarm says:

    Hi,
    I’m just the opposite. I can’t wait to get out of my bra. If I don’t absolutely have to wear one, I don’t. Doc

  7. Broken Girl says:

    I’m a little late reading this post but I really relate to it. As far as your reaction to being intimate with your husband…being triggered and feeling floaty, getting quiet and still, staring at a fixed point, having inner turmoil and not knowing how to make the experience stop. YES YES YES. I have so been there. I think your therapist is right about these “feeling memories” being pieces of information.

    The bra thing…definitely yes. I cannot sleep without a bra. I used to sleep in my regular bra but a couple of years ago I switched to sleeping in a heavy duty sports bra…I want my boobs strapped down to my chest when I sleep lol. I thought I was the only one who did that. From what I gather most women are like thebigfarm…they can’t wait to take theirs off. I never want to take mine off.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi BG, thank you for talking about what you experience! It’s so funny that you mentioned a sports bra because I just researched breasts binding after I wrote this posts and a website described how to do it with sports bras and I went out and bought some. I really appreciate your honesty, thank you!

  8. Out of the Ashes says:

    Hi,

    I know this response is super late but hoping it might be helpful just as your writing is helpful to me, thank you! I relate to the intimacy weirdnesses – if you know what I mean. I’ve caught myselves making grocery lists, solving math problems, counting to five over and over along with many other non-sexual things during sex. Planning the rest of the day, thinking about dinner, anything but what is really happening. I have had the freeze experience as well – could not speak or breathe. Not cool. And during that, my husband never even noticed which was triggering all in itself, but I digress.

    I never felt the need to sleep in a bra as long as I am home. However, whenever I go anywhere, I definitely feel the need. I spent a very long time living in a hospital with my sick son and wore one for 100 days. I do feel the need to be covered up with several blankets and barricaded with pillows on every side every single night of the year, hot or cold. Drives my husband nuts. But I cannot sleep without the weight of covers up to my neck and pillow barricades. I used to not be able to sleep with the bedroom door open either but a sick child who I needed to be able to hear solved that issue.

    All that to say, you are not alone. I hope this late comment finds you in a good place.

    Kind regards,
    Ash

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi Ash,

      Comments are always welcomed and therefore never late. 🙂 I seriously appreciated what you shared about intimacy and needing to be surrounded by things like pillows. I used to do that as a child; surround myself with a circle of stuffed animals all around me. It all makes sense. And yes, it is disturbing when a spouse doesn’t notice our distress. It’s a whole other level to deal with. I hope you’re well too.

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