I had therapy this week with my new therapist. Somehow the sexual abuse has come up a lot faster than it did with my previous therapist, maybe because I’m more comfortable with discussing it in that setting.
Anyway, it wasn’t a very heavy conversation yet and I vaguely mentioned my uncle and she asked, just to note, “And what’s his name?” I went to answer and I blanked, but guys this was one of the weirdest things that I’ve ever experienced! At first I laughed, a bit uncomfortably, because I couldn’t believe that I had forgotten his name! I know his name and I’ve never had any trouble remembering it or speaking it (I mean, I hate it but I can say it). But then I realized that I hadn’t forgotten it…it was more like someone in my head had pushed his name out of mind and then put their hand over my mouth so I couldn’t speak it. Then things got worse. I’d have to look back at my past entries to know how long it’s been but I haven’t switched (changed personalities) in a long time. Suddenly, I’m sitting there with this new therapist, feeling someone taking names from my mind, stopping me from speaking them out loud and then I felt myself being pushed aside or pulled out of my mind and someone else taking over. I managed to say that something was wrong as I put my hands over my face. My therapist told me to breathe and told me to look at her. She led me through breathing until I was able to regain control.
Oh man…I thought that because I hadn’t switched in ages that that part of my life was over. My therapist said “Nothing is ever over.” Now I feel like I have to relearn how to deal with alters coming out and the possibility of losing time and everything else that goes with all of this all over again. What’s even scarier is that I did not recognize the presence that shoved that name out…shut me up and tried to push me out. It scared the crap out of me I’m not gonna lie.
My therapist noted that all of this coincided with me saying that I was frustrated that I couldn’t catch the flashes I’ve been seeing and that I wanted to remember more;also all the anger stirred up by my stepfather seems to have started an avalanche of anger from other places too, including maybe anger about my uncle.
I’m finding it difficult to be scared of myself. It’s hard to be accepting and open to whatever comes when you’re freaked out that something scary is inside of you lurking in the darkness.