“J” my therapist for 14 years passed away last Friday. I actually didn’t find out until this Monday; my psychiatrist actually caught it in the paper and he had to call me back about something and told me. I was on my way out the door for an appointment when I heard. I started to cry and then told myself that I didn’t have time because I had to be somewhere. I got two steps into my garage before I fell on the floor and wept. I sent a text saying that I was running late and did my best to get myself together so that I could leave. No one in my acquaintance would really get why her death matters so I feel like I will have to grieve in private. In a way that is my usual as I always have to show my feelings in private. It’s true that my new therapist was friends with her so I could grieve in therapy but I also only have 45 minutes a week to cover all of the layers of awful that is going on so…
My husband gets it in a way but as I told him in the car the other day, he’s never lost anyone he was really close to. I’ve lost everyone except him, literally. My grandmother. my mother and now J who nurtured me in vital ways and believed me when I didn’t believe myself. So much loss.
I’m actually pretty crazy right now. I can feel it and I’m in that stage of not caring that I’m crazy. I’m not doing anything around the house, don’t care about my hair, I’m wearing pj’s or sweats all the time, I’m living in fantasy in my head and yet I have a twinge of mania too. Not to mention that everyday, all day I’m having some sort of flashback about my uncle.
To top things off on an already cherry of a few months, my social security disability is up for review. This is a standard procedure they do every few years but it causes me such an intense amount of stress that I can’t even begin to express it here. Having someone else determine if I’m still disabled when I know 100% that I cannot work no matter how much I would love to be able to. I miss work, I really do. I loved working. But I know that I simply cannot do it anymore; not even one day, that’s how off my chemicals are. My psychiatrist said this is normal procedure and it should be no problem but I’m freaked as usual…having my future in someone else’s hands is awful.
That’s it for now. I feel like everyone is dead and I’m crazy. How are you guys?! (No, seriously?)