She’s Gone


“J” my therapist for 14 years passed away last Friday. I actually didn’t find out until this Monday; my psychiatrist actually caught it in the paper and he had to call me back about something and told me. I was on my way out the door for an appointment when I heard. I started to cry and then told myself that I didn’t have time because I had to be somewhere. I got two steps into my garage before I fell on the floor and wept. I sent a text saying that I was running late and did my best to get myself together so that I could leave. No one in my acquaintance would really get why her death matters so I feel like I will have to grieve in private. In a way that is my usual as I always have to show my feelings in private. It’s true that my new therapist was friends with her so I could grieve in therapy but I also only have 45 minutes a week to cover all of the layers of awful that is going on so…

My husband gets it in a way but as I told him in the car the other day, he’s never lost anyone he was really close to. I’ve lost everyone except him, literally. My grandmother. my mother and now J who nurtured me in vital ways and believed me when I didn’t believe myself. So much loss.

I’m actually pretty crazy right now. I can feel it and I’m in that stage of not caring that I’m crazy. I’m not doing anything around the house, don’t care about my hair, I’m wearing pj’s or sweats all the time, I’m living in fantasy in my head and yet I have a twinge of mania too. Not to mention that everyday, all day I’m having some sort of flashback about my uncle.

To top things off on an already cherry of a few months, my social security disability is up for review. This is a standard procedure they do every few years but it causes me such an intense amount of stress that I can’t even begin to express it here. Having someone else determine if I’m still disabled when I know 100% that I cannot work  no matter how much I would love to be able to. I miss work, I really do. I loved working. But I know that I simply cannot do it anymore; not even one day, that’s how off my chemicals are. My psychiatrist said this is normal procedure and it should be no problem but I’m freaked as usual…having my future in someone else’s hands is awful.

That’s it for now. I feel like everyone is dead and I’m crazy. How are you guys?! (No, seriously?)

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About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in bipolar disorder, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, DID, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Mania, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Sexual Abuse, Social Security Disability, Therapy, Trauma and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to She’s Gone

  1. Blackdaria says:

    Sorry for your loss. I know it must be extremely difficult being with someone for so long, that you became so close with over the years and never see them again. It’s going to be hard but you will get through it. Cherish the moments you were able to share with her.

    Now regarding the disability, I understand completely. They especially make it really hard for those who really needs it. And the ones who don’t seem to get it with no problem. It makes no sense.

  2. Andi says:

    That’s awful and I’m so sorry for your loss. I can see how this may activate a load of emotions and triggers for you. As far as disability, it is standard procedure, but it is VERY stressful. I remember completely breaking down in the middle of my review once in my early 20’s because I was so terrified I would say the wrong thing and get my benefits taken from me. At that point I needed the health insurance desperately. I guess my behavior was enough to suggest I should stay on benefits because they’ve left them alone since. But I hear you, it’s incredibly stressful. I hope it works out in your favor.

  3. Broken Girl says:

    I’m so sorry, CI 😦 . I know I would be devastated if my therapist passed away so I think I can appreciate what you’re going through, even though I haven’t been in the exact same situation. For me, my therapist is someone special and our relationship kind of defies categorization; she’s a friend, a parental figure, and a bunch of other things all rolled into one person. I wouldn’t have the self-awareness that I have now without her. I’m really sorry you lost such a special person in your life. Try not to worry about the disability review too much. Everything will be fine :).

  4. Karen says:

    No words 😦 Thinking of you and sending love ❤ xxx

  5. Freasha1964 says:

    Oh, CI, I am so sorry to hear this. I meant to reply sooner, too, in your hour of need. I related to much of what you said. Paralyzing grief; grief that forces you to pay attention to it – I have known. It is awful. Several of my family members are ghosts- ghosts who mind their own business, I guess, or else I am unable to sense them, though I think I would want to. If you do go crazy, it won’t be forever. Just that at this time it is SO much, TOO much, to take in.
    Have you asked your new therapist about maybe going to J’s memorial, if there is one? As I think about this though, I am not sure this is a very good idea, especially if you have to explain who you are to someone. Since they were friends, maybe she could at least bring you some stories, a memento, or something? Right now I feel like it is important, possibly imperative, that J not disappear without a trace from your life (but do you?). She was such a big part of your life for so many years. This seems an extra difficult situation, one that I haven’t considered, or had to consider. The therapist-client relationship is confidential for good reason, and this could create a great dilemma if a person so dear cannot be properly mourned after death. Or do you feel that way? This may not be such an issue for you?
    Anyway, I have lots more hugs to send if you want them. And I am sending healing thoughts, too. Keep writing, please. I and (it seems clear) others, are interested in knowing how you are doing as this sorrowful plight unfolds.

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