Well this is what happens when you don’t blog for a while, you forget what’s happened. I’ll try to remember the main points. There may be some sensitive material here, discussion of suicidal ideation, abuse, depression. I don’t know what I’m going write so just be aware.
Basically I’ve been dealing with a lot of depression. I was absolutely in crisis not that long ago and was almost certainly hospital bound but somehow through my therapist, my husband and psychiatrist, I managed to stay out of it. I’m in a weird state of mind though. Usually when I go through depression and come out of it I stabilize. This time I’m on edge like one small thing could push me over or pull me back down into crisis again. It’s very disconcerting.
I saw my therapist yesterday and we were talking about my health problems. She asked me if I’m afraid of dying. I said no. After talking some more we and more so me really realized that even though I thought I was over my death fixation, I’m not, not really. I still find relief in the thought of dying but I’m not suicidal. Many people who struggle with mental illness know what mean by those words.
I also was having tremendous difficulty with being an orphan…feeling abandoned and unloved by my family. My biological father doesn’t want me, my stepfather lied about wanting a relationship, my uncle (not the abuser) my only close relative since my mother died, never talks to me. It was very upsetting. I felt like something was wrong with me because no one wanted me. However my therapist said some things that really helped. She brought out that their behavior was not new. They were not rejecting me all at once, suddenly, they’ve always been this way. She said, and this phrase was key for me, that I kept going to a dry well expecting water. I don’t know what it was about that sentence but it really stuck with me. It really simplified the situation for me and made me think “Yeah, why do I keep doing that?” It was very helpful.
I found I couldn’t take the PTSD nightmare medication every night because it also lowers blood pressure and I already tend to be on the low side so I would get dizzy and lightheaded all day the next day. I can only take it here and there or she suggested taking half. I noticed if I don’t take it is have dreams about being raped regularly. If you had asked me if I have nightmares I would have said no because I didn’t think of them that way…it’s normal for me. Now I know better.
It’s important to realize if you have something like bipolar disorder or depression or whatever that what I call “situational depression”, depression that comes from a situation that has happened ie someone has died, you lost your job…normal things anyone would be depressed about, this can snowball into a chemical reaction that makes your mental illness switch turn on. It’s happened to me many times; a situation that causes normal depression gets out of control because my brain’s chemical balance gets messed up and suddenly I’m in full-blown crisis. Be aware of how long you’re situational depression is lasting and take steps to get it under control because you lose control. For that means if my depression lasts maybe more than a week or two I need to start taking my anti-depressant. I don’t always do that though because the depression makes me not care. This time around I was so far gone that I couldn’t make any decisions, even on whether to eat or not, so my therapist told me to take my medicine so I did.
The last struggle I will talk about is having “friends” who are completely and utterly self-centered. I have two of them in my life, one of them is intolerable. I have literally said to her “I’ve had a bad month” and she said “You have? Let me tell you about mine…” She never and I mean never asks how I’m doing and even if no one is talking about their health she will simply start talking about her random health problems even if it’s awkward because the conversation was about something completely different. My other friend literally spent 3 hours last week one afternoon talking about herself. I made a comment and she said something like ‘Yeah, you’ve been suffering’ and then said ‘So back to what I was saying.’ I reached out to her last year after some of her relatives passed away and we became friends because of that even though when my mother died her attitude was more like ‘Suck it up’. Suddenly when it happened to her everything was different. I figured that nobody’s perfect so I could do what I wished other people had done for me and be there for her, but now…she’s so into talking about herself…I don’t know what to do with her and this other person. With the first friend I actually want to confront her about her behavior and cut her out of my life but she’s part of a huge family that I’m friends with and if I alienate her it will damage my friendship with at least two of the others which would hurt me.
Okay this was probably my longest post ever but I warned you yesterday. Hope you all are staying safe and taking care of yourselves everyday.