I probably have to slightly explain that something happened to me last year health-wise that made me very aware of stress. I felt a need to control my stress. Ha! Control. Silly me believing in control!
Well, what happened scared me almost literally to DEATH. I think I said in previous post that I thought I was actually going to die and I mean that. My belief that keeping stress as minimal as possible became almost a religion for me. The problem with that is emotions. Emotions bring stress, even positive emotions cause their own stress. I believed that I couldn’t afford to feel any emotion, especially negative ones. I clamped down so hard on my feelings that I don’t think I even experienced bipolar disorder that entire time. Now, of course I still had bipolar disorder but I was shut down.
Now that I’m seeing B, I might start referring to my new therapist as B because “new therapist” is annoying to type. Anyway, now that I’m seeing her she’s made it very clear that I can’t keep functioning like I have been. She actually told me that holding my emotions in was worse.
I just wrote yesterday about my parts feeling really comfortable with B but opening one gate or two or four opens more. Yesterday I was manic as all hell. I haven’t been that manic in AGES!!!! I mean WOW! Then today I had the inevitable crash into depression.
Everything is back. Parts, bipolar, feelings, ME.
In a way I miss being gone or away or partiallt numb or all the way numb…whatever I was, but in another way it’s nice being back…feeling myself again. It’s like I was brain dead for a while and now my synapses are firing again.
Alright, I’m out for now. You all are in my thoughts.