Now Everything Comes Back


Ugh. 

I probably have to slightly explain that something happened to me last year health-wise that made me very aware of stress. I felt a need to control my stress. Ha! Control. Silly me believing in control! 

Well, what happened scared me almost literally to DEATH. I think I said in previous post that I thought I was actually going to die and I mean that. My belief that keeping stress as minimal as possible became almost a religion for me. The problem with that is emotions. Emotions bring stress, even positive emotions cause their own stress. I believed that I couldn’t afford to feel any emotion, especially negative ones. I clamped down so hard on my feelings that I don’t think I even experienced bipolar disorder that entire time. Now, of course I still had bipolar disorder but I was shut down.

Now that I’m seeing B, I might start referring to my new therapist as B because “new therapist” is annoying to type. Anyway, now that I’m seeing her she’s made it very clear that I can’t keep functioning like I have been. She actually told me that holding my emotions in was worse.

I just wrote yesterday about my parts feeling really comfortable with B but opening one gate or two or four opens more. Yesterday I was manic as all hell. I haven’t been that manic in AGES!!!! I mean WOW! Then today I had the inevitable crash into depression. 

Everything is back. Parts, bipolar, feelings, ME. 

In a way I miss being gone or away or partiallt numb or all the way numb…whatever I was, but in another way it’s nice being back…feeling myself again. It’s like I was brain dead for a while and now my synapses are firing again.

Alright, I’m out for now. You all are in my thoughts.

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About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Alters, bipolar disorder, depression, DID, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Mania, Multiple Personalities, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Sexual Abuse, Therapy, Trauma and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Now Everything Comes Back

  1. manyofus1980 says:

    http://i0.poll.fm/js/rating/rating.jsyou are in our thoughts too we are glad your back! hope the new t works out for you guys! ❤ xxx

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