I’m often glad when I say something in therapy that reveals I’ve misunderstood something that my therapist has said. It tends to, no, it always makes both of us stop with wide eyes, shake our heads in confusion and then look at each other like we’re both aliens before realizing that apparently we need to start over clarify an important point.
This situation happened during our session this week and it was very important because it was holding up my progress.
My therapist has asked me for a long time now to try and identify my various parts, at least to the best of my ability. I have strong impressions of some and I do outright know some of them. I’ve been afraid though. I told her that I am afraid, me, the core personality that’s usually here. I wanted her to really get that I have my own feelings that needed to be acknowledged apart from all of this dissociation stuff.
My fear was coming from the assignment of needing to identify my parts. I was afraid that if I delved into that I would also discover why they exist; I would see their memories, things I may not be ready for yet. I was afraid that I would start reliving trauma, things like that. I thought I’d get lost in all of that darkness.
I told her about my fears and assumptions and she was really surprised because I hadn’t understood what work she wanted me to do and what work she wanted us to do together.
Her thought was only very surface for me. Just identify the part on a surface level really. It’s more like, okay there’s an 8 year old…oh hmmm, there’s a part that doesn’t speak, she’s maybe 5 years old okay…etc but I don’t need to go further into the why’s or anything.
What she wants me to do then is to stop. I do all other work only with her during our therapy sessions so she can be with me/us and talk to us, listen, watch or stop things and bring it back to safety if things are going too far.
I’ve never done any real work with my alters. There’s never been a program or a method so-to-speak so I didn’t understand what she was thinking and she couldn’t envision anyone even thinking they’d have to do trauma work at home alone so it didn’t occur to her to really spell out extra, single detail.
Communication people! Haha!
I’m actually excited. Feeling vulnerable but excited. We’ll see how things start out. First I have to start with identifying my parts. Hmmm…