Vulnerability


First of all, I’d like to thank my dear friend Freasha for reminding me to communicate here. I needed it and coming from her meant everything. Thank you.

It is extremely uncomfortable to be truly vulnerable. There are different levels of vulnerability and therefore different levels of discomfort that go with them. It could be a stomach flip of nervousness, a tightening of muscles, an increase in the speed of breathing; all signs of anxiety that come with allowing some part of yourself to be seen by someone else for judgment or rejection or by handing over part of yourself to another person and trusting them with it.

I’ve been experiencing severe vulnerability during my last two or three therapy sessions to the point that two new parts have presented themselves (I have also come to understand that I have a group of parts and an adult part I didn’t know about but that’s kind of separate).

My parts and I made an agreement that instead of acting out in certain ways we would draw pictures. It was in this context that I became aware of a young part who was very sad about the abuse that happened when we were little. Contrasting drawings were done by the her and the group and brought into therapy, this is where things went BANANAS!

When I was trying to talk about the drawings and who drew what and my surprise about the little girl, she came out! I’ve NEVER had a child part come out in therapy! My child parts are my most vulnerable parts! They do not come out! If I was an apple it would be like carving me out to my core. Vulnerability! She put her head on her lap and cried, oh my goodness it was so sad. My therapist tried to talk to her but I don’t think she said anything back to her. THEN….

A new part came out…

The little girl was crying and then I felt this presence. It was strong, powerful and pissed! It took control and basically said to stop crying, crying was not allowed, we needed to get our crap together. That’s what it was there for, to get things back under control but it seemed to be in relation to the little crying girl.

Guys I was so freaked! This part obliterated me! It pushed me out so hard that I couldn’t come back into my own body no matter what I tried. And I was shifting back and forth HARD! What that means for me is that in this instance, for a maybe 15 seconds I was the little girl, head on lap crying, then bang, I would be pulled really hard, full of anger and taking control, breathing hard and telling the girl no crying, then I’d switch back to her again, then back to the presence again. It was rough! It’s very disconcerting, confusing, frustrating, sometimes scary…I was in my head trying to come back but I couldn’t. I couldn’t come back until the presence decided enotions were under control and they receded.

When I came back I was not okay with that alter pushing me out like that. We had to have a talk about it with ny therapist’s help. It wasn’t really a talk because the presence didn’t talk to me but it listened.

My therapist and I delved into what happened and decided that the presence is a “protector” part. It makes sense. It wasn’t safe to feel or cry or anything, that had to be tightly contained. There may be memories there but I can’t remember if my therapist thinks the girl has them or the protector has them.

After that whole thing we talked about drawing being done with her present but I can be in my own area of her office and only show her the drawings if I want to.

There’s actually a 2nd drama that happened during this week’s session but that sounds like a part 2. Let’s do that later.

Talk about an update!

Please excuse any crazy spelling and grammar. I wanted to get this out to you guys and I’m fighting not to sleep; chronic illness stuff blah blah blah you know what I mean. Okay see you guys for part 2.

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About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Alters, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, DID, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Multiple Personalities, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Rape, Sexual Abuse, Therapy, Trauma, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Vulnerability

  1. Freasha1964 says:

    CI, you really deliver, and in a hurry! What you have written is absolutely fascinating. I say that in part because I was first fascinated by what happened to me several years ago. I have no trouble believing you because I have experienced this surfacing of deeply buried experiences, or feelings, or what ever you call them. It is just …fascinating… what lies in our deep unconsciousness. I am also happy that your therapist knows how to bring you back up before she sends you on your way. Mine sure did not. I still feel ashamed, no matter what anyone says, that I became dependent on her. But the other side of that is my own immense discovery of how much more is lying deep in our psyches that we are rarely in touch with. I don’t think I would have ever really known if that hadn’t happened to me. And I discovered you by way of this meandering path I wound up on, too, so, there is that. Some good came out of it, for sure. And you know, I believe, that I transitioned to another therapist and made it out the other side.
    I hope that you are feeling this awe for all that is going on with you, and a love for the parts that are surfacing. I hope it is a bearable journey.
    I look forward to part 2, now, when you feel like sharing it.

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